lounging around the house, doing nothing but eat Christmas leftover food, reading cheesy crime/love story novels and doing massive marathons of crime procedural shows (Without a Trace, CSI and an occasional Buffy)
and then on the last few days of hibernation, panicking because you realize you've done nothing productive at all
what a great way to start the year!
happy holidays everyone!
We're all as lonely as we wanted to be
- People Watching, Jack Johnson
"Loneliness is cooking for five people and then eating alone"
- me, crying over beef with brocolli a few nights ago
I don't know why December brings out the depression in people. It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. But because of our beauty/love/gift obsessed society, people who have none of the above tend to sing the blues instead of the hallelujahs.
Even I, the eternal cynical optimist (if there is such a thing) tend to drop a few tears when this time of the year comes around. And it depresses me when I feel depressed because I should know better than to listen to those stupid voices in my head that tell me I'm all alone. Hello, I have a God who showers me with grace and love, a family who loves me, friends who will be there for me if i need them, a job that i love, a roof over my head, etc etc etc. Why the heck should I feel sad just because I have no shopping money (due to laptop payments), i'm always an odd wheel (it's not their fault they're in love) or that the guy i like barely knows i'm alive (okay, that sounds too high school-ish) or because it is cool to be melancholic this time of the year
I'm a Christmas gal. I love the lights that line the street, the songs that make you sigh or bob your head or both. I go gaga over puto bumbong and bibingka. I sniff the Christmas air like it's a drug (but only till i realize that it's actually pollution im smelling, underneath that air). I think Christmas is wonderful. It's a reminder of just how much God loves us.
That is why I am convincing myself (and you too, if you are in the same funk) to snap out of this, because it is not doing me any good. Wouldnt you rather be happy and content than pining away for things that are out of your reach. Yes, easier said than done. But, it is still a choice (unless you're suffering from something clinical or psychological, then i suggest you get help) to be lonely or to be happy
And yes it sounds cliched and trite, but I will choose joy over everything else. Otherwise, it's all useless
it's that time of the year...
patience for slow and incompetent people. not everyone is perfect. and that definitely includes me
a full dental work-up so my chipped front tooth can finally be fixed (which was a result of a ghastly encounter with the stairs and the floor six years ago)
discipline and determination to go on a real diet and exercise program
different colored ballpens and post-its
confidence to talk to people i barely know and courage to talk to the people i do know who tend to dominate conversations
neil gaiman's fragile things
U2 on U2
a short, harmless fling
a best friend who's not married and who's not in japan
to be able to spend more time with my family
the ability to clean the house thoroughly
a cutesy laptop bag or envelope
a moleskin notebook
passion to fall in love with my God all over again
I may not have gone where I intended to go,
but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -- Douglas Adams
For the past few weeks, Plaza San Ignacio in Intramuros has been my 3rd home away from home (next to my apartment and the office) because of an event i have there (which reminds me, i havent written about that event here...hmmmm)
But last Saturday afternoon, was the first time that I've been able to just sit there and not do any work, to just stare at the surroundings that is just overflowing with history and untold stories
I felt like I was in a different place, reading a book and sitting in front of a statue of a girl reading a book, feeling the rain drizzling on my face, hearing the horses' hooves as they passed behind me, pausing every once in a while to look at the ruins and wonder at what actually happened inside them hundreds of years ago
And I wonder, a few hundred years ago, who was sitting or standing in this exact spot and what he/she was thinking. Was he a Spaniard, wondering at the fates that brought him to this "godforsaken island"? Was he an Illustrado, trying to hold back tears at the thought of leaving these islands for a better life in another country? Was he an Indio, thinking about where his next meal will be coming from? (Come to think of it, even today, these exact internal dialogues could still be happening with the different people who pass by here)
This is what I love with hanging out in places that are outside buildings or anything airconditioned. You get to indulge the dreamer in you, the writer that has long since been dormant and is struggling to get out. Or you can just have temporary, momentary peace that has eluded you for a long time. And in that mental snapshot of that moment, at least everything looks dreamy or hopeful or whatever you want it to be.
And I am brought back to earth when the rain finally shows its full might after teasing me with a few measly drops. The mood has been broken, I shouldve taken shelter. But as I cinematically lift my face up to the sky, I say, I'm okay where I am right now, with the rain and all
And then I wonder if someone in the future will stand at that same spot and feel the ghost of the girl reading a book in front of the statue of the girl reading a book
don't get me wrong, i love kids and babies. but when it comes to having one of my own...that's another matter altogether.
1. i am still too selfish. i would rather watch my favorite tv show than take care of a crying, squealing baby.
2. when i take care of other people's kids, i can always give them back when they start crying. but when it's my own, then i cant pass them off to other people. and i have no idea how to make a crying baby stop.
3. i dont know how to wrap gifts or to put plastic covers on books and notebooks. and im too lazy to learn
4. i havent been able to save money in the bank. not even a peso. and we all know that babies need a lot of money even if they dont have the vaguest concept of what money is
5. i dont know how to discipline. when a kid demands something from me, i immediately give in because i hate seeing them throw tantrums or cry or be mad at me for any reason. and i sometimes bribe kids into liking me.
6. i'm still very much a kid myself
7. i have such a low threshold for pain. childbirth scares the heck out of me. so there
it's been a while since i've played this game, since ive been thoroughly happy and satisfied with the way my life has been going lately. and i still am happy. i feel like this is where i belong
but there are days, when you have a pounding headache, when your body seems to be rebelling against you, when no matter how little you eat you cant seem to fit into your old jeans, when you're getting frustrated with love (or the lack of), when people keep saying your event is interesting and that they will go but no one seems to be actually going, when you just want to curl up with your music and your tv shows and your books in a cozy room somwhere in baguio
yes, it's one of those days
so...anywhere but here
i want to sit in a cafe in italy, sip three shots of espresso, quietly read a book that will cause the people around me to look at me and say, hmmm, she seems interesting
i want to walk along the cobbled streets of greece and go to the ancient ruined temples and listen to the echoes of long ago
i want to walk down the streets of new york, walking slowly, drinking in all the sights, not minding the people who are hurriedly walking past me, cursing me for walking slowly. i wanna stare at that bright monstrosity of a tree at rockefeller center
i want to swim in the blue waters of palawan, never mind that the water might be freezing. i want to bury my feet in the sand and watch pretty girls and gorgeous men as they walk by. but i will not wear a bikini. at least not yet
i want to browse through all the booksales in the greater manila area. and have enough money to buy a book from each
i want to drink a big chill strawberry kiwi fruit shake
i want too much. sigh
sometimes i wish i could fall in love (and get my heart broken eventually) if only to totally relate to the emo-ish alterna-love songs that i always listen to
two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
sing me a rainbow it’s sunny again
swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
could I keep dreaming for a little while longer
when you’re searching your soul
when you’re searching for pleasure
how often, pain is all you find
but when you’re coasting along and nobody’s trying too hard
you can turn around and like where you are
- when im thinking about you, the sundays
because of a gazillion doses of bioflu and tuseran (burning questions: why do cough syrups have to taste so vile? and why the heck do some people get addicted to it?) i feel like i'm floating somewhere in space looking down at me forcing myself to work
because of an intense buffy (gads, how i miss this show) and battlestar galactica (people, please start watching!) marathon, i am now so tempted to cancel all other appointments and just stay at home and watch all night, a throwback to my tv addiction days. hi i'm ida and i'm a tv-holic
because klite 103.5 is going off-air by dec 15, i have now decided to forsake radio and just stick to my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player and i dont mind waiting in line or going on long commutes as long as my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player has life
because i was not able to go to baguio this weekend and people forgot to bring me pasalubong (okay, i forgot that guys are incapable of doing thoughtful things for people other than their girlfriends), i am now craving for any strawberry-ish food, but i know it's bad for my diet, so im feeling a bit cranky
because i still feel groggy, i am not capable of producing profound and insightful words and so you are stuck with reading these random thoughts for i feel bad looking at my blog and seeing that my last entry is november 29
because i woke up to this song this morning, this is my lss (can you guess the song?)
Ive willed, Ive walked, Ive read
Ive talked, I know, I know,
Ive been here before
