Not All Who Wander Are Lost

on love, marriage and commitment

2009-04-26T07:25:00.002+08:00

People keep asking me why I don't want to get married. And I ask back, why the heck would anyone want to get married at all? I've seen and experienced countless stories of heartbreak; men who cheat on their wives, apologize, then cheat again, be contrite, then cheat again, then finally leave at the end. I've seen smart, seemingly emotionally stable women lose themselves totally in a relationship then end up broken and shattered after the guy decides that she isn't the one after all. I've seen families, mine included, broken because someone wanted to leave for seemingly "greener" pastures and yet not realize that it is the children that suffer more than the partners and grow up with a distorted view of what love and commitment really is. I've seen men struggling, women crying, children suffering. And you wonder why I want any part of that

I, myself, do not believe that I am capable at this point of making the kind of commitment that is expected and needed to make a marriage work. And I have to admit that another reason is that I could not bear it if any of the things I mentioned above would happen to me.

So for those of you who are in loving and committed relationships, I applaud you. You are one of the chosen few who have found the rarest of the rare, and I hope you continue on working for it to stay that way. Do not rely on emotions or romance or whatever it is that we seemingly want out of a relationship but instead work on unwavering commitment and steadfast loyalty. And run like hell when temptation rears its ugly head

For those who have done the hurting, I do hope that your conscience will not let you rest for some time. And I don't say that out of malice or spite. It is important that you realize the consequences of your actions and it is not alright, whatever angle you look at it. If you're a man, the excuse that it's natural will not hold up in any court. If you're a woman, this goes against every fiber of your being, so I hope you know what it is you have given up. Then, eventually, I hope you all find the happiness that you desperately crave for

For those who were left behind, I sympathize and empathize. I've gone through two traumatic experiences with my family and with my own relationship. And I am a living testament that there is life after the blinding pain. Moving on is a decision that you have to commit to everyday, and eventually, at your own pace, you'll get there. The "real" end of the world is much more devastating so take heart that this is not it

As for me, I will continue on living my life, focusing on those things that important to me. Yes, love makes the world go round, but I don't think they specifically said that it was romantic love. Love for family, friends, your calling, humankind in general, art, beauty, God; these are the things that matter to me and will continue to matter, with or without the love that has so captivated and devastated the world.

One Lipgloss I will not wear

2009-04-04T16:37:00.001+08:00

For lack of anything better to watch on TV in Boracay (and why am I watching TV in Bora? that's another blog entry) last night, Enya and I caught this teen show on TV5 called Lipgloss. It was an attempt to do our own version of Gossip Girl, yada, yada, yada, yada

Paging anyone who knows anyone remotely connected to this show: please, please, for the love of God, take this show off air. Or fire your entire creative team and start over

This is absolutely one of the most horrible shows ever. From the acting, to the cinematography, to the outfits, to the makeup, to the dialogue, to the....you get the picture. It's an absolute train wreck. The only thing remotely beautiful about the episode was the resort where they were staying, Lago del Rey. And even then, there was a nauseating cameo by Governor Lray Villafuerte that reeked of political campaigning. That man cannot act to save his life

And I know that I am probably giving this show free publicity by blogging about them. But you have to watch it at least for ten minutes so you know what im talking about. And they have to read this to at least attempt to repair their show. It's an absolute waste

I know they probably don't have a lot of budget. But low budget does not necessarily have to translate to low quality. There are ways, if you just put a little more effort and creativity into it people!!!

2009-03-29T23:14:00.001+08:00

Good thing someone invented ping.fm!

We Walked the Green Mile!

2009-03-24T09:33:00.009+08:00

We've organized a few sports activities here and there, but anyone who really knows me, would know that I am one of the least "sportiest" persons out there. But when presented with the opportunity to participate in a semi-sporty event that does not involve running or throwing or catching or hitting any ball, I immediately jumped at the opportunity. And I have to be honest, the added bonus of getting a pair of pretty slippers for free was so very enticing. And that it was for a cause dear to my heart so that was the cherry on top

And so finally after a lot of cajoling and planning, my colleagues and friends and I trooped to The Fort for Ipanema's Walk the Green Mile, a walkathon to raise awareness on deforestation. To know more about this, go to the Haribon Foundation website here

I was the 20th person to sign up, probably because we were there since lunch time, too excited and keyed up. Our only wish was that the sun would go down a bit by the time we start because it was terribly hot and the prospect of walking 1.6 kilometers under the sweltering heat was too horrible to comprehend. Anyways, I used to run the 2.2 kilometer Academic Oval in UP, so I thought 1 mile wasn't too difficult (and thank God it wasn't a competition). However, that was like 10 years and 10 kilos ago, so good luck to me

Thankfully, the sun chose to hide already by 5PM, and so with the percussions of Buganda and the whole Elizalde clan leading the way, we made our way around Bonifacio High Street, some wearing the fashionable slippers of Ipanema while others chose to still go sporty with rubber shoes. I was walking hand in hand with Anja, Enya's 6 year old daughter, and to distract her (and myself) from feeling tired, we exchanged non-sensical ghost stories. And while we talked about stealing jewelry from skeletons, people around us were walking casually, no one was trying to get ahead of anyone (maybe except Lester, our photographer), all in support of a greener and cleaner world. My only complaint was that there should have been a loudspeaker with a spiel about the cause so that the spectators could better understand why the heck we were walking around High Street.

And when we finally crossed the finish line, I felt a certain sense of achievement, even though the distance we covered is probably nothing to real athletes. I don't care, at least I can say that I was able to finish a walkathon. Hah!

And our reward for our effort? Apart from the slippers, shirts and baller IDs for the first 50 participants, we were treated to sumptuous cocktails from Le Souffle (yes, we were dirty and sweaty and dined inside one of Manila's most posh restaurants)and entranced by the wonderful performance of Ballet Philippines, as they showcased Ipanema's Gisele Bundchen Seeds Collection. Oh, and for every purchase of these slippers, a donation will be made to Haribon Foundation. So if you care for your planet and your sense of fashion, go and get one now!

And yes, we still had to treat ourselves after the event to a few cupcakes at Sonja's (a visit to Serendra is never complete without cupcakes)so we probably gained back the few pounds we lost in this walkathon. Anyways, it was for a good cause, so I don't regret it.

*photos courtesy of Mark Lester Cayabyab, shutterbug for hire

Anja doesn't seem so excited, but we sure are!

You can see us somewhere in the huge crowd that walked around High Street

Walking the Green Mile and actually enjoying it

Okay, we seem to be doing a lot more picture-taking than walking

We actually finished 1.6 kilometers! What an achievement!

Ballet Philippines showing off Ipanema's Gisel Bundchen Seeds Collection

Just one of the many nice and comfy designs of Ipanema Seeds

Me and a giant Gisele Bundchen

Sky Broadband Sucks

2009-03-04T21:46:00.000+08:00

The title says it all

I normally don't blog or even micro-blog about my frustrations with certain establishments or services, no matter how frustrated I am with them. I work in the communications industry so I know how even one blog entry can affect any company's reputation or even sales

But I've reached my limit with Sky Broadband and so here I am

I was so excited to get their services because they claim to be faster and cheaper than regular DSL (serves me right for being too gullible). The first 3 days were heavenly. I even worked from home because I wanted to enjoy being able to work and download at the same time (darn firewalls). On the 4th day, things were okay, but afternoon came and I lost signal. I called them up, and when we couldn't solve the problem through the phone, they promised to send a crew over the next day. But the next morning, I had a strong signal again, so I canceled the crew visit. Then again, in the afternoon, there wasn't any signal again, and so again, I called. I was promptly informed that there was a problem with the Barangay Laging Handa (isnt my barangay's name the best?) area and it will take at least a few days to fix it

Days turned to weeks. Then to months. Every week I would call and ask what was going on. On the 2nd week, I lost all signal completely, 24 hours. I asked and asked and asked and all they could answer was, Ma'am we're still fixing the problem. And when I ask, how long would it take, the answer would always be, they have no idea. So for almost two months, I was able to use the service for only 3 days.

Okay, technical problems happen, I accept that. But for the problem to last two months and for no notice whatsoever from Sky Broadband, there must be something seriously wrong with you. I swear, I am so tempted to rip off the banners I see in EDSA advertising a free trial of Sky Broadband for a month.

I know there are bigger problems in the world, but all I want right now is to be able to go home and do my freelance stuff and download whatever I want and watch whatever I want online. Is that too much to ask???

So yeah, I am canceling my Sky Broadband and if they charge me for 1 year as the contract states, I swear I am going to throw a massive hissy fit.

So the point of this entry is, don't subscribe to Sky Broadband unless you are 100% sure that they will not have a month long or year long technical problem in your area

once again and always

2009-02-22T19:22:00.001+08:00

To say that the story of our friendship deserves its own soap opera would be an understatement.

College would never have been as fun if we weren't friends. The chances of us not being friends were actually astronomical, seeing as to we were only a handful in our block. And the moment I first talked to you, I knew we would be soul friends. We weren't really that different. We both came from damaged families, both love music like itself, both emotional (although I still maintain that you are the "crazier" one. agree?), both came from strictly Catholic families then converted to Born Again Christianity at around the same time I don't remember the exact details of all our college adventures. But I do remember the nostalgia that creeps into me every time I see the Sunken Garden, CASAA, former CCC and Christmass tambayans, and whenever Sir Paolo Manalo is mentioned. I don't remember how many tears we shed with each other over countless boys, failed exams, questions about God and life, and yes, tears of laughter over such trivial things as the word "boylet". And even after college, the bonds were never broken. We didn't actually have a blood compact or said the actual words, but it was understood that we would be each other's maid of honors, our kids would grow up together, we would grow old together

Until the incident

Thinking about it now, brings a sharp pain to my soul. Not because of the guy we both loved and who is now yours (whether you like it or not. haha), but because of what it did to us. Never in a gazillion years would I have thought we would make those stupid decisions, those frakking horrible mistakes that would forever alter the course of our friendship and our lives But we did. And we paid dearly for those mistakes. And I all but gave up on love and my best guy friend and girl friend. And I will forever regret that time of my life until my death bed

Until, miracle of miracles, one of us (i dont even remember who) started to tentatively reach out, with fear and foreboding at first, then with more confidence and determination

And from the ashes of a seemingly broken relationship, there arose forgiveness and love Of course things will never be like they were, not just because of what happened to us, but because we become different persons with every passing second of the day

But who needs juvenile, nostalgic friendship when what you've got is a brand new one, with has literally stood the test of time and life?

And now that in a few months, you will be more or less 5,000 miles (according to google) from me, I am both saddened and excited for you. Excited, because you are going on a new journey with the man who once came between us (and who should now take care of you, and if he doesn't i will kick him all the way to timbuktu) and your beautiful little boy. Saddened, because once again, I will "lose" you, but not really, because, what are a thousand miles compared to what we've been through?

What I want to say, and I am making it a public declaration mind you, is that nothing can ever ever ever come between us again. Not him, not New Zealand, not even ourselves

I am truly blessed to call you once again, and always, my friend

i was a writer in another lifetime

2009-02-19T21:49:00.000+08:00

I used to write

I never got published, nor received any accolade of sorts, but I think I was a pretty decent writer, if my high marks from my writing classes since elementary are any indications. My English high school teacher, who is my favorite teacher of all time (shout out to Mrs. Delosantos, Canossians! where is she now anyways), always had high hopes for me, even though she constantly reminded me that i am too lazy to actually write an epic someday

When I look back at some of my writing, only around 20% make me cringe, so I think i was never that bad. And I only cringe at those stuff that I wrote when i was in love or broken hearted because now they seem too trivial and corny and useless

But somewhere along the way, as predicted by the aforementioned English teacher, I became too lazy to even finish a short story or a decent article or even a coherent blog post

Hence, therefore and thereafter, giving the impression to some people that all I am good at is writing an events checklist, jotting down a few sentences for a presentation, composing numerous emails to my clients and answering stupid surveys on facebook and multiply. I am not even worthy of an invite to an event that should be able to produce blog articles, even though I repeatedly begged and cajoled and I promised not to eat dinner or get a freaking giveaway. All I wanted was to see the event, write down my thoughts that other people would hopefully read and help in promoting the product (therefore adding to the agency's good name, not that I am such a significant person in the blogging world, but it still is another blog after all)

Anyways, I digress and that is not my entire point

My point is this, I will try to write again, and hopefully some of the magic is still there. Maybe then they might take me seriously and see that I am more than just a pretty face (HA!)

25 Things

2009-02-07T11:31:00.001+08:00

Rules:
Once you've been tagged, you're supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. at the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. you have to tag the person who tagged you.

1. I am deathly afraid of rodents of any kind. If you want me to not speak to you for a week or forever, you only have to scare me with rodents. But please don't

2. For some irrational reason, I can't get on and off escalators properly. I have to step on at the even numbered steps from where I started counting. And I can't for the life of me figure out why

3. Like Ailene, I don't know how to ride a bike or whistle. Or snap my fingers. Or blow bubblegums. Or wink. Or raise my eyebrows.

4. When I was 6 years old, I stole my cousin's stationery (I think it was you Ate Carren, right?) and sold it to my classmates

5. I am a big pop culture fanatic. Ask me anything about movies, music, books, tv shows, gossip, I would probably know it. Well, except for local pop culture, I am clueless about that

6. As of this moment, I have no plans at all of getting married or having children. Not just because there is no one even remotely on the horizon, but because I love being single more than being in any kind of long-term relationship. And also, if I could marry my job, I would. Haha

7. I absolutely don't like R&B/hiphop music (except for a few artists) or house/trance/techno music (except for Chicane and Massive Attack). I would rather listen to a dozen one hit wonder pop alternative bands than listen to a song by Chris Brown and the like (I can't distinguish them from each other anyways)

8. I love vampires but I have no patience at all for anything Twilight (except its soundtrack). I would rather read the Watch series by Sergei Lukyenko, watch True Blood and Moonlight, or even read Anne Freaking Rice. But no Stephanie Meyer for me, thank you very much

9. I am a geek and I'm not ashamed of it

10. I've never been out of the country, but I plan to change all that before I turn 30. Which is in a few months. And I still don't have my passport by the way

11. I devour books by Tolkien, Gaiman, Atwood, Roth, Plath. On the other end of the spectrum, I collect Patterson, Garwood, Shreve, Roberts and a few old Mills and Boons books. I also like books aimed at teens (Artemis Fowl, Septimus Heap and the likes) but I NEVER read chick lit. I think they're detrimental to my health

12. In spite of # 6, I love attending and/or organizing my friends' weddings. There's something about seeing people I know pledge their love to each other and me helping them have a stress-free wedding day that just brings contentment to my heart

13. To de-stress myself, I organize my files and my Itunes folders

14. I'm a download whore. I get antsy if there's nothing downloading on my bit torrent

15. I may seem talkative and outgoing, but put me in a situation where I don't know anyone and I clam up and panic and hyperventilate

16. I am not photogenic. I have never practiced what's my best angle. I dunno how to smile. I automatically stick my tongue out. I probably have 2 or 3 decent pictures. But I am not really bothered about it

17. For people who know me after college, it is very surprising to them to know that I weighed 80 lbs when I was 18

18. I would rather sit in a coffee shop drinking coffee and talking rather than go to a bar that doesn't have a band

19. In connection to # 18, I don't dance

20. I consider National Bookstore my personal mecca. I am obsessed with buying post its, ballpens, notebooks and other knickknacks. I don't always use them, but I still buy them

21. One of my dreams is to sing in a Broadway revue. I Dreamed a Dream or On My Own or I'm Not That Girl or Memory or The Movie in My Mind

22. I like The Jonas Brothers. I want to marry Joe Jonas. So sue me

23. I think tennis players and football players (not American football okay) are the hottest athletes

24. Contrary to what some of my officemates say, I am not gay. I did think i was for about 15 minutes way back in high school, but I concluded that I like men too much

25. I like answering lists like this, even though it is so tiresome

of course i had to make an eraserheads post

2008-08-28T14:24:00.001+08:00

i think it's mandatory for people who blog and whose college lives unfolded to eraserheads music. and even though my attendance at the reunion concert is still up in the air (are there tickets still available?), i just have to do this post. after all, their music brings both tears, laughter and nostalgia as i reminisce

"Trip to Jerusalem"
The first concert I ever watched in UP was their Fruitcake concert. And I still get goosebumps everytime I remember how the whole UP Theater "exploded" when they got to this part of the song "Oh tell me do you wanna fly Fly high way up in the sky". Everyone was jumping up and down, hands in the air, shouting the lyrics. Goosebumps, I tell you

"With A Smile"
A good friend, who is now working in Disneyland Hongkong but whose hair still remains the same to this day, serenaded another good friend in her classroom. I was both "kilig" and embarassed for both of them. But at that time, I think it was sweet. Looking back now, it's probably corny

"Shake Yer Head"
This song brings back memories of lazy days in the tambayan, with John strumming on his guitar, and the rest of us trying to remember the lyrics to this song, with Leah always coming out the winner, if I remember it right

"Hey Jay"
A friend came out to me through this song. Until now, I dont think he/she (to protect his/her identity) is out to anyone. And I will carry his/her secret to my grave, if he/she asks me to

"Sembreak"
This brings back memories of tambay days during, err, well, sembreak. This was when I still went out of our house in Laguna, and when I still had friends there. You would always find us sitting in front of someone's house, with someone playing the guitar, us eating chips and drinking coke, and boys and girls harmlessly flirting with each other. I forgot some of their names already, but the scene will forever be familiar

"Shirley"
Friends tease me that this song can actually be re-titled "Ida". This was the point of my life when I had a new crush (which I referred to then as "love") every week

"Minsan"
Everytime I hear this song, I tear up. As in, everytime. I never lived in the Kalayaan dorms, but my whole college life revolved around my friends. Of course, I studied (although I did graduate a year late) but looking back, I barely remember the different film theories or what apperture I should set my camera when taking pics of a moving object or what the relevance of STS is to my life. But I do remember all the moments in the tambayan, each and every heartache I experienced, the first time I was able to enroll on my own (yup, my Mom still helped me enroll when I was a freshman), and most of all, all the friendships that I cherish up to this day.

Okay, enough of the mushiness and sentimentality. Time to look for those darn tickets!

finally

2008-06-11T01:22:00.004+08:00

a new post

And since I am always eloquent and wordy (read: too lazy to write coherent and things that make sense) I leave you with one liners of things that make me happy lately

making coffee for other people

making to do lists

crossing off items in to do list

work. seriously

thinking of things to put in my new apartment then wondering when the heck i can afford to put said stuff

getting postcards from people to contribute to my wall of postcards that i havent even begun yet

sleeping for 12 straight hours after an entire week of not sleeping properly

walking around the different scout streets with colleagues and pointing out houses we would like to own someday

making fun of stupid movies

being single. seriously

so what's been keeping you happy lately?

a humbling experience

2008-02-09T04:13:00.000+08:00

To put up my client's bulletin boards is truly a humbling experience
(To explain why my client needs bulletin boards every freaking month is something I cannot fathom also so I wont even try to explain)

Every time my ego becomes a little bloated or I think I'm already too good and way past manual labour, the paper cuts and pin pricks and sore muscles I get from installing them always brings me back to reality. And I won't even talk about the teasing I get about how my height is not proportionate to the boards I'm installing because that's a whole other post about height discrimination and the joys and pains of being vertically challenged

And I promise myself each month that I'll get someone else to do this next month and I always declare that my Mom didn't send me to college for four (oh right, five) years just to cut and paste and pin stuff that I really don't care about, like a high school student. Come to think of it, I don't recall making bulletin boards in high school because I've always thought they were lame (plus I was never really artistic or creative in that sense)

But my point is this...

Do something every once in a while that will humble you and bring you down from your high horse. We should never be too good for anything, because, hey, we all started from the bottom, we all got our hands dirty, so don't go thinking you're better than anyone else (unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, so i hate you, so stop complaining)

Reality check? Check!

a near perfect day would be...

2008-02-03T01:43:00.000+08:00

...sleeping the night before to the sound of Azure Ray

...being dragged out of bed by exercise enthusiastic officemates to run in Amoranto Stadium

...pushing yourself beyond your limits, or the limits your mind set on your physical body

...running to your own beat, ipod in hand, not caring about whether you look horrible while sweaty and out of breath

...gulping down a bottle of gatorade after an exhausting morning and it's not even 10am yet

...cooking your own version of cornsilog as a reward to yourself

...going to a job that you love and working with people you love or are fond of

...sharing your pancakes with your officemate's cute kid while she's sitting on your lap and waxing poetic about how pancakes are so yummy

(the near perfect day was marred by the overwhelming, excruciating pain of your teeth fillings accidentally falling out without your knowledge)

...having the overwhelming, excruciating pain mentioned above removed by your nice dentist who is probably the best dentist in the whole wide world because she's the only one you allowed to touch your teeth

...sleeping at 6PM, then waking up at 11PM, thoroughly drugged and out of it, but well rested and happy that the pain is finally gone

...falling asleep while playing mystery case files ravenhearst and listening to kings of convenience

who says you need a lovelife or money to keep you happy? you just need to find what makes you happy, be it the mundane or the profound

here's to happiness!

please wake up

2007-12-18T20:43:00.000+08:00

a few months ago, i lost a dear dear friend, who might have been the kindest soul ive ever had the pleasure of knowing. i still feel a twinge of pain every once in a while, but with acceptance comes the knowledge that his time on earth was truly up and that he was able to do all that he was supposed to do, and more

and now, another friend hangs on the brink of death, and my heart just cannot accept that his time is up. the comic book world still needs his genius. the blues world still needs an Asian harmonica man. his friends and family still need his heart and laughter and silliness and kindness

friend, please wake up, the world still needs you

photo courtesy of migs and jp

the music and the sadness and the happiness

2007-11-26T01:45:00.000+08:00

"Which came first, the music or the sadness?"
- High Fidelity, Nick Hornby

When all else fails, music will always be my constant companion. Be it in a noisy jeepney, an overcrowded mall, an eerily quiet office, or in the deepest pits of despair, music is the silent witness to all the joys and pains of my heart. One sign that I am slowly recovering from depression is when I get shivers when I hear songs that are not necessarily about pain.

Yes, I wallow still in the notes and lyrics that express the deepest longings of my heart, but when my heart starts leaping at beats and riffs and words that are actually about love or some sort of positive emotion.

Yes, I still experience that painful contraction whenever I hear one of the songs that I "gave" him, but I can slowly remember the fond memories that came with the songs and I can vaguely see the future that will have me laughing at whatever im feeling right now

Yes, I will still listen to angry girl music, be it old, new, pop or totally unheard of, but I will start listening again to songs that are filled with hope and optimism in the hopes that they might rub off on me

So welcome back, music that both pains and warms my soul

I Love…

2007-11-12T01:40:00.001+08:00

I wont even bore you with the details of how my life has gone to crap the past few days. Just thinking about those things will make me want to…never mind

So instead of focusing on the crap, I just want to share with you the things that have been bringing me joy, be it big or small, new or rediscovered. It just might inspire you to take a look at your own crappy or happy life and be grateful for big and small blessings.

My job – seriously. If it weren't for my job, I would have probably lost it. And as much as I complain about certain clients, the lack of sleep, the stress, the pressure, you do know that deep down inside I am happy doing with what I am doing
Bath by candlelight – my bathroom light is going bonkers so I started just using candles for my bath time. And even now that it's fixed, I still prefer candlelight. Something about it is so relaxing, okay and yes, romantic even. Don't ask me why
Making playlists – For the past months I've just been putting my ipod on shuffle mode because I was too lazy or uninspired to actually choose what I want to listen to. But lately, I've rediscovered the joys of matching my mood or activity to what I listen to. There's the "running around UP while emo-ing playlist". Or the "trying not to die from boredom while running on the treadmill" playlist. Or the "I'm pretending to not be heartbroken aka not listening to bitter and sad songs" playlist. And of course my personal favorite "Shit, she's listening to Sitti again so I better use my headset" playlist.
Living on my own – don't get me wrong. I miss my family like crazy. But there's really something about living on your own that makes me feel good inside. Yes I'm broke, a lot of times hungry because I'm too lazy to feed myself, and sometimes lonesome, but at the end of the day, it feels good to know that you can actually take care of yourself. Plus, decorating your own place is always a joy
Sondre Lerche – I want to marry him
Christmas – I'm a Christmas girl, and I go gaga over the season, no matter what circumstances I am in. Puto bumbong, decorations, shopping for gifts, the songs. Who cares if I've never had a boyfriend during Christmas?
Waiting for my best friend to come home this Christmas – Keyj! Beach in December? Yes please!

So your turn. What's been bringing a smile to your face lately?

When You Cannot Write Anything Coherent

2007-10-07T20:36:00.000+08:00

...a meme is the only way to go. Thanks Abbie!

Name Four Scents You Love
freshly cut grass
D&G's Blue (but i cant afford it so i settle for Bench's Eau de Baby)
coffee
that scent which name i dont know but i know the smell by heart

Name Four Things You Are Thinking About Now
Crap, my fone line got cut off!
Yeah, I really am stupid when it comes to love
Crap, I have to wake up at 4AM!
Yeah, I really am stupid

Name the Last Four Things You Have Bought
Raspberry Vinigrette salad from Goolai
Purple compact mirror from Watsons
Red star necklace from Greenhills
Simple wooden shoes from Greenhills

Name Four Drinks You Regularly Drink
coffee! coffee! coffee!
Coke
Light
Pineapple juice

Last Time You Said 'I Love You' And Meant It
Hmmm...to my mom, my brother and my grandmother, almost everyday. That counts right?

Last Time You Cried?
A while ago...

What's In Your Music Player?
If I list them down here, we'll go on forever. But safe to say, mostly rock songs, a little bit of jazz and pop, nice TV commercials from youtube and the latest Heroes ep

What's Under Your Bed?
Uhm, the floor?

What Time Did You Wake Up Today?
12PM. and i was supposed to meet my brother at 12PM. heehee

Current Hair?
bobcut aka Gretchen's new hair

Current Clothes?
Sesame Street parody of The Scream and hawaiian shorts

Current Desktop Picture?
Stardust

Current Worry?
That I overstepped my boundaries. And my office phone line got cut

Current Hate?
Myself? Grrrr

Favorite Physical Feature Of The Opposite Sex?
Arms, shoulders

Last CD You Bought?
Hmmm...Sino Sikat. But that was a million years ago. I just download. Eeeveeeelllll

Favorite Place To Be?
My new apartment
The Office (yeah, I'm a loser)
Sala in Laguna
Any coffee shop

Least Favorite Place?
Client's office

If You Could Play An Instrument?
Piano

Favorite Color(s)?
Purple and red

Do You Believe In An Afterlife ?
Yaha

How Tall Are You?
Next question

Current Favorite Word/Saying ?
Yaha and Naha
Seriously? Seriously?

Favorite Season?
Christmas

One Person From Your Past You Wish You Could Go Back And Talk To
The first ex. Just to set things right

Favorite Day?
Fridays and Sundays

Where Would You Like To Go ?
Italy

How Many Kids Do You Want ?
None

Favorite Car?
That new Honda car that I dont even remember

things that make me feel uncomfortable and/or annoy me

2007-09-10T09:51:00.001+08:00

1. wearing IDs - even back in high school, i hated wearing these things. i dunno, maybe it's the hidden rebel in me manifesting itself in a weird way

2. looking at people in the mirror of a public bathroom - avoid eye contact, that is my rule. maybe that is why i've missed seeing people i know even when they were right beside me

3. people who aren't close to me making cracks about my weight or lack of lovelife - ano tayo, close? i don't mind if it's friends who do that, but if not...how dare you?

4. being in a cramped elevator when the floor im going to is in the 30+ range - different strangers with different smells with different breaths with different body parts all stuck in one cramped space. Gives me shivers

5. women who breastfeed on the mrt - i know breastfeeding is a glorious thing, but woman, please do it in private to avoid men ogling you and women falling over themselves to avoid looking at you. i dont mind the caterwauling of your baby as long as i dont see your boobs

6. people who talk loudly on their cellphones - while i am sometimes amused at the different stories you hear from people who scream into their phones, when i want to concentrate on my book or my music or my sleep, i just want to hit them over the head

7. myself, when i correct people's grammar in my head - di naman nababawasan ang pagkatao pag mali ang grammar diba???

8. myself, when i become too emo - what the hell do i have to be emo about anyway? i have a good family, good friends, great job. what else do i want? oh yeah, that. ha

9. making small talk with people who are obviously not interested in what i have to say - i'd rather just shut up and fade into the wallpaper

10. people who are just overflowing with self-confidence - wait for someone to compliment you, wag ka magbuhat ng sariling bangko (dont carry your own chair? haha)

I Am

2007-09-04T00:34:00.000+08:00

(inspired by Stef's recent posts)

a raving insomaniac
short
hopelessly addicted to work
both an introvert and an extrovert
extremely klutzy
desperate for so many things
falling in love
trying to stop myself from falling in love
longing for hugs from people i like
uncomfortable when people i dont like hug me
a download whore
pressured
stressed
content
addicted to coffee
addicted to music
addicted to books
addicted to movies
addicted to tv
a closeted hopeless romantic
cynical and optimistic
dreaming of going to italy
perenially hungry
perpetually trying to lose weight
delighted with my family
sleepless yet happy
confused yet happy
a bit brokenhearted but happy
happy

for them, i would consider shifting careers

2007-08-28T01:48:00.000+08:00

i love kids. that fact is obvious to anyone who knows me and even to those who barely know me. but there are probably two kids that i enjoy spending time with the most

one is a little girl who is barely three years old, the daughter of two good friends, and my very first god daughter. at her age, she has memory gap already, because everytime she sees me, she kinda forgets who i am and refuses to come near me. but when she finally recognizes me, after i bribe her with yakult, candy, ice cream, or whatever she's in the mood for, she becomes this adorable chatterbox who i can't get enough of. to say that she's smart is an understatement. at age two, she could recite the entire alphabet and count 1 to 100. she gets unusually giddy when she enters national bookstore and sees all those books. and she speaks in pure english (which can be a bad thing later on). our conversations go like this

bianca: ninang, know what? i saw nice shoes. silver, with strings. i like it
ida: hey cool. where did you see it?
bianca: at sm manila
ida: wanna buy it?
bianca (rolls her eyes incredelously): but ninang, that's so fa (she still has difficulty with her r's , so this means far)

need i remind you that she's barely three?

and then there's my colleague's daughter, who at five years old, may probably be one of the most precocious little girls i've ever had the pleasure of knowing. she's always a distraction when she comes to the office because i would rather color books with her or read a storybook to her or sing out loud with her, than work on boring stuff like reports and presentations. and even though she sometimes acts schizo (crying one minute, laughing the next second) and she has her own vocabulary (Mommy, she ubos-ed it already), a day spent with her is always a memorable one. and i can actually hold an intelligent conversation with her.

anja: hey tita ida, i know that picture on your phone!
ida: oh yeah, nice clocks huh?
anja: no, that's persistence of memory by dali!
ida: (what the? how does she know this?) uhm, yeah, it is
anja: oh, and i know that guy who cut off his ear, van gogh
enya (her mom): and why did he cut off his ear?
anja: because the girl he liked didnt like him back
ida: (what the? most people dont even know that!) huwaw

there are days when i would rather give up my day job and be yaya's to any of these two little girls. and no, i am not longing for a little girl of my own, God forbid! it's just such a joy to be with these two, and to watch them grow smarter and even cuter, if that's at all possible

and then there are days when i just wish they would never grow up...
but even though the day will come when they will graduate from grade school, go to their proms, experience their first heartbreak, have little girls of their own, they will forever remain little girls for me...

Another One of Them Surveys

2007-08-22T07:36:00.000+08:00

Rules:

1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc.).
2. Put it on Shuffle Mode.
3. Press play.
4. For every question, type the song that's playing.
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button.
6. Don't lie and try to pretend your cool.

Opening Credits:
Your Weak Hands (Azure Ray) - hmmm....yes, can be a bit apt

You held my hand
Led me homeward
I looked for you
You were nowhere
Holding tight my hand
Was my own

Waking Up:
Another Sunny Day (Belle and Sebastian) - I swear, my itunes was on shuffle!

Another sunny day, I met you up in the garden
You were digging plants, I dug you, beg your pardon
I took a photograph of you in the herbaceous border
It broke the heart of men and flowers and girls and trees

First Day At School:
Queen of Apology (The Sounds) - Oohkaay...may be a bit of a stretch. But love the song nonetheless. Yes, indeed, I am a queen of apology

Now I'm fighting this feeling
but it never stops, never stops
I'm still waiting
And I'm stuck with this feeling
will it ever stop, ever stop?
I keep trying

Falling In Love:
32 Flavors (Ani Di Franco) - Why settle for just one flavor when you can have your pick of 32 flavors? And I mean you, you know who you are

and I'm beyond your peripheral vision
so you might want to turn your head
cause someday you're going to get hungry
and eat most of the words you just said

Fight Song:
If I Ever Lose My Faith (Sting) - This should be a mantra after every fight

I could be lost inside their lies without a trace
But every time I close my eyes I see your face

Breaking Up:
Rental Car (Beck) - First time I heard this song actually. Haha

Hey now girl, at the end of the road
Down where the reaper is walking alone
Singing a death knell, clapping along
At the end of the night there's a road will be gone

Prom:
The Beekeeper (Tori Amos) - As with every other Tori song, weird, just weird. The only reason I chose this part of the song is because of the word gown. Otherwise, doesnt remind me of prom at all.

In your gown with your breathing mask
Plugged into a heart machien
As if you ever needed one
I must see the beekeeper I must see if she'll keep her alive

Life:
Mood Swings (Debbie Gibson) - Well, yeah, I sometimes act manic depressive

In a vicious cycle of depression once
Not too long ago
But I'm over it now

Mental Breakdown:
Storms in Africa (Enya) - The original words are in another language. But as I always put it, it is ferpectly aft

How far is it from?
The beginning of the storm
The start to the end
Take your heart
Take your beloved
Long Journey
Heavy through the storm

Driving:
Light and Shaded (Fra Lippo Lippi) - I don't know how to drive, so if you put me at the wheel of a car, we would probably end up in the clouds

Sail on the wings of a cloud
Where to, well nobody knows

Flashback:
How High (Madonna) - Uhm, okay

It's funny, I spent my whole life wanting to be talked about
I did it, just about everything to see my name in lights
Was it all worth it? And how did I earn it?
Nobody's perfect, I guess I deserve it

Getting back together:
Liham (Hale) - Yes, I have Hale. You got a problem with that?

Nasasaktan bawat araw bawat hakbang
'Di mo lang maramdaman
'Di sinasadyang

Wedding:
I Always Was Your Girl (Jennifer Love Hewitt) - Okay, I don't want to be this cheesy on my wedding day

Birth of Child:
City of Blinding Lights (U2) - If only for this line

Oh you look so beautiful tonight
In the city of blinding lights

Final Battle:
Run For It (Delirium) - Yeah, yeah, I know I'm a coward

You better run for your life, love, I'm walking I'm walking

Death Scene:
Bullet (Mat Kearney) - What a dramatic yet extremely painful way to die

I would take a bullet for you
I would lose it all, I'd take my fall
To show you it's for real

Funeral Song:
Me (Paula Cole) - OMG! I actually wrote it down somwhere that I want this to be played at my funeral!

I am carrying my voice
I am carrying my heart
I am carrying my rhythm
I am carrying my prayers

End Credits:
An End Has a Start (Editors) - Okay, I cheated. I skipped one song so that this song would be my end credits song. It's just too perfect!

You came on your own
That's how you'll leave
With hope in your hands
And air to breathe
I won't disappoint you
As you fall apart
Some things should be simple
Even an end has a start

Stolen

2007-08-18T13:27:00.000+08:00

They were lying beside each other, bodies not touching, staring at the ceiling, sleepy but blissfully content, alcohol lazily coursing through their bloodstreams, but not yet drunk enough to not be aware of that very moment

For some reason, she suddenly blurts out, "Let's tell each other something we don't know about each other."

And she begins to run down in her mind something that she would want him to know. "Should I tell him that I love burping out loud? Or that when I was young, I wanted to be a receptionist when I grew up? Or that my greatest frustration in life is that I cannot draw to save my life?"

After he speaks and tells his secret, he turns to her and says "So, what's yours?"

And for once, she decides to bare a piece of her soul. She whispers, "I've never fallen in love."

He sits up, looks at her incredelously "Didn't you say that you were as good as engaged a few years back?"

She closes her eyes and the emotions that she felt during that brief period flashed before her. She murmurs "No. I don't think that was love at all. I haven't felt that all-abiding passion that I always hear of. I have yet to totally open myself up to the joys and pains of actually falling in love."

He pokes her shoulder and jokingly says, "Now, you will"

The girl refuses to open her eyes and look at him because he might see the fear in her eyes. She feels the inevitable cold truth coursing through her veins, the inevitable truth that he might just be right

She opens her eyes and looks at him and in her head, answers with conviction, "Maybe"

Clear liquor and cloudy eyed, too early to say goodnight
- Stolen, Dashboard Confessional

You're ruining me
With secrets and gestures and looks
With sonnets from second-hand books
Playing the chords in me nobody knew how to play
- The Thief, Brook Fraser

How long can I hide, what I'm feeling inside
My love is a river, that's got to make its way into sea
- Beneath the Surface, Incognito

monday morning blues

2007-08-13T10:28:00.000+08:00

nah, i don't really have the blues. and even though i didn't sleep a wink, and even though i know it's gonna be another hell week, i just feel so energized and ready to take on the world. well, in a sleepy way, that is.

so what has got me so revved up?

jollibee's chicken tocino breakfast
i dunno why oily food hits the right spot, but it does. and when you pair it up with hot chocolate, man, it just tastes like a slice of perfection. until i start thinking of the calories, that is. but i refuse to think of the calories

music! music! music!
azure ray - dream pop at its dreamiest
hellogoodbye - makes me want to dance around the room
nerina pallot - makes me wish i could sing and play the piano like her
amelie ost - makes me weepy and nostalgic and romantic
my wake me up songs - love is waiting, my favourite book, knowing there is only now, long walk home, sofia, grateful, we are all in the dance

lack of sleep
for some reason, i am more alive and productive and adrenaline-y when i haven't got any sleep. but then after a few hours, i will surely crash into oblivion. so i should enjoy this while it lasts

the truth shall set you free
i took a big step last friday in admitting something to someone, although it was somehow under duress. but i havent done that in a long time, and it feels so liberating. and i am enjoying the "perks" that come with finally being open about it. let's just hope i remember the rules and not overthink and overanalyze things. right, luv?

paris je t'aime
come hell or high water, i am going to watch it tonight. i swear, if anyone gets in my way, i will get so freaking pissed they won't know what hit them. as feist so aptly put it, nous sommes tous dans la danse

the august playlist

2007-08-11T16:38:00.000+08:00

my ipod is really such a blessing. not only do i have a companion on those long bus rides home or those early mornings in the office when i'm the only soul out and about, but now i have a valid reason to totally let out my OC-ness when it comes to tagging, arranging and re-arranging my music

oh, and playlists are so much more fun on an ipod (damn you, steve jobs! now i am a walking advertisement for your products!)

and in the tradition of stef and ailene in naming their gadgets, the ipod is now arien

so...on with the playlist

MY FAVOURITE BOOK - STARS
My officemate and I can't get enough of this sweeteningly sick yet utterly cool song. It is the perfect theme for her and her boyfriend, but since she says he doesnt appreciate this artist, i have dibs on this song already. now if only i can find a lover to share this with...hehe

"that is how we'll always make it. how i know your face or the way you move.i can read you, you're my favorite book. all the things you say, the way you shift your eyes. i never knew there was someone to come and make me feel alive"

LOVE IS WAITING - BROOKE FRASER
Totally Ailene's fault. Romantic longings and the songs that go with them are totally infectious.

i watch as lovers pass me by
Walking stories - whos and hows and whys
Musing lazily on love, Pondering you
I'll give it time, give it space and be still for a spell
When it's time to walk that way we wana walk it well

THE WORLD IS OUR PLAYGROUND - UP DHARMA DOWN
Maybe it's because I'm finally home with my family again
Or I recently celebrated my first year in my work (a major achievement for me, the perennial job hopper)
Or I've found out what I really want to do with my life
But seems to be the cry of my heart

"I swear I belong...This is where I belong"

NOT READY TO MAKE NICE - DIXIE CHICKS
I'm not really angry at anyone for anything. But this song just makes me so want to scream "Hell yeah!" for no reason at all. An anthem for the bitter and the oppressed

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

GOD ONLY KNOWS - BEACH BOYS
Entertainment Weekly recently named it as the most romantic love song. And I couldn't agree more. Whenever Ihear this song, I think of people who have been married for 25 years and who still have the ability to look at each other and say "God only knows what I'd be without you"

I'LL FOLLOW YOU INTO THE DARK - DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE
Yeah, it is theologically twisted, but it is such a beautful poetic and twisted take on the till death do us part and beyond aspect of love

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

WE'RE ALL IN THE DANCE - FEIST
It is the song that's playing on the Paris Je T'aime trailer which makes me fall all the more in love with that movie. Cinemanila na!!! Let's watch! Let's watch!

To be continued...

sige na nga, survey na rin

2007-08-08T15:47:00.001+08:00

01: Ano ang problema mo?
Ayoko ng ulan. At may gusto ako pero may gusto siyang iba...

02: Bakit sadyang may mga taong tanga?
Tulog yung iba nung nagsabog ng katalinuhan ang Diyos

03: Ano ang masasabi mo sa mga taong mahilig manloko?
Babalik rin sa inyo yan

04: Sa paanong paraan magiging masaya ang isang tulad mo?
Kape. Libro. Musika. At siya sa tabi ko. Haha

05: Kung luluha ka uli, ano o sino ang magiging dahilan nito?
Malamang lalake na naman. Lagi naman eh

06: Sino ang taong nagpapasaya sayo ngayon?
Si ano

07: Bakit hindi sagot ang pagpapakamatay sa mga problemang dumarating sa ating buhay?
Kase mas maraming problema na maiiwan sa mga taong nagmamahal sayo

08: Kaya mo bang magpakamatay para sa pagibig?
Hindi no

09: Ano ang mga pangarap mo sa buhay?
Magpunta ng Europa. Magkaroon ng public library/cafe. Magkaron ng harmless fling.

10: Kung may tao kang gustong patayin, sino ito?
Ang nakaimbento ng high heels

11: Bakit naman?
Parusa ang ginawa niya

12: Matapang ka ba?
Ay hindi. Loser ako

13: Ano ang pinakamalaking kasalanang nagawa mo sa taon na ito?
Ay marami

14: Madali ka bang magsawa?
Oo naman

15: Ano ang masasabi mo sa mga taong martyr?
Pagkatapos ng lahat, ikaw pa rin ang lugi

16: Seryoso ka bang tao?
’Pag meron ako

17: ‘Pag namatay ka ngayong oras na ito, marami kayang tao ang iiyak?
Sana

18: Masakit ka bang magsalita pag galit ka?
Umiiyak lang ako pag galit, di na ako makapagsalita

19: Pikon ka ba?
Pag sinabi mong kamukha ko si Aiza

20: Huling bilin?
Sige na, sagutin niyo na ito kung wala kayong magawa

A Day Late

2007-08-07T01:27:00.002+08:00

for someone whose life is communications, your messages are kinda muddled

or maybe it's just my head that's muddled and i've been imagining that things actually mean something when in fact, they are just some random mutterings that come out of your mouth whenever you deign to actually communicate with me

but whatever it is, can i just say, that finally, i am tired and i've reached the point of no return?
im through trying to rack my brains just to try to figure out what it is you want from me, if you wanted anything at all

and at least now, i can actually start being a friend, and nothing else. that is, if you need a friend. if not, oh well....

We are who we were when
Could have been lovers but at least you're still my day late friend
we are who, we are who we were when
Who knew what we know now
Could have been more but at least you're still my day late friend
We are who, we are who we were when
- A Day Late, Anberlin

the calm after (or before?) the storm

2007-08-05T11:44:00.000+08:00

To say that last week was emotionally tumultous for me is to say that the past few weeks was really, really hot.
It's funny, because externally, nothing much happened. Well, at least nothing that I care to admit here in this public domain.
But inside, I was such a mess that I couldn't concentrate much on the things I'm supposed to be doing, which resulted in a semi-disaster work-wise. But that's another story.
What's even more frustrating is I have no idea what message it is that my heart is so desperately trying to convey to me. And again, I'm such a scaredy cat when it comes to confronting my personal issues and demons. I would rather wait it out till the next episode, which probably results in weird episodes like this.
All I know is, one afternoon, I just felt this urgent urgent need to break down and cry. And when people started freaking out and asking me why, I couldn't give a decent answer which led to more tears of frustration.
But I guess it was just one of those days, or a combination of sleep deprivation, pesky hormones, unrequited emotions that refuse to be named, and the fact that I havent had a good cry for so long.
And after the floodworks, there was laughter. Yes, I think my officemates have officially labeled me a cuckoo

But, I guess, now that I have calmed down, I may have the courage to analyze why it is that I am acting like a crazy, pregnant woman (and for the nth time, no I am not!). Otherwise, I might just totally go bonkers the next time around

So here's to a week of sanity which I desperately need

since it seems like an emo friday

2007-08-03T16:48:00.000+08:00

i feel like any moment now i'm going to burst into a million pieces and all that is inside me will be splattered all over, but no one can seem to find the heart parts, when it was the heart that caused the explosion in the first place

Things I Wish I Could Say With a Straight Face"

2007-08-01T23:38:00.000+08:00

"I have no expectations whatsoever in whatever this is. I will simply enjoy our time together and not overthink things"

"Being a perennial klutz is so fun!"

"I don't mind being single forever. And ever. And ever"

"I like you. May magagawa ka ba? Wala. So just shut up and accept it, okay?"

"I have total confidence in myself. Self-doubt is such a foreign concept to me. I rock!"

But alas...

my favorite pen

2007-07-31T00:50:00.001+08:00

i collect pens like crazy. whenever i get the opportunity to drop by a bookstore, i will purchase a minimum of two pens, never mind if i have a dozen waiting for me inside my oversized pencil case

but now, i have a favorite pen. i doubt if i will ever use it. it is too small, and im afraid of the ink running out. but i will put it on a small pedestal, and treasure it like the most precious piece in a museum

it is a pen that was given out of random thoughtfulness from a friend that i thought i lost forever.
it is a simple memento to the power of healing and renewal
it is a testament to the hope that shoudln't be allowed to die when you know that something is still worth hoping for

i'm being melodramatic, but i swear, it is the best pen ever

Things I'm Loving Right Now (aka My Addictions)

2007-07-25T10:17:00.000+08:00

in no particular order

1. The moment when I'm the first person in the office and I can lie on the pink bean bag and listen to my songs of the day wholeheartedly, with eyes closed and a silly/sad/ecstatic grin on my face

2. Standing immobile under the showers for a few minutes and just letting the water rush over me after an intense workout or at the end of a hot and stressful day

3. Me tickling Lola and then her pinching me and exclaiming how "tabachingching" I am already.
She's the only one who can get away with that.

4. Devouring books at the most unusual times and places, like waiting for the bus in Kamias, standing in line at the bank, waiting for the bus to fill up, in the middle of the work day when my head can't take it anymore, waking up unexpectedly in the middle of the night. And yes, I devour books like there's no tomorrow

5. Arranging, rearranging, manually editing my song titles and info in Itunes. Goodbye winamp

6. Looking for and downloading old and new TV commercials and music videos from Youtube and iFilm. It's addictive I tell you. I get inspired. I am thoroughly amused. And the old videos are truly nostalgic. It's addictive I tell you. Now if only we could come up with ads as great as these

7. Having non-sensical and silly YM conversations that may or may not contribute to my development as a person

8. The smell of the different Body Shop bath gels. And the smell of the shampoo and soap at Planet Infinity. And the smell of my faux Light Blue perfume from Bench

9. Internet window shopping and then the day when I actually buy something and they actually deliver it to my office and then unwrapping it and then showing it off to everyone. Again, addictive

10. Watching crime procedural shows (CSI, Bones, Law and Order, Without a Trace, Medium) with my brother and then discussing them in a serious but fun way, like which actor has guested in all of the above, or how yummy the autopsy is, or how realistic that particular case is

Now, tell me what you love....

Quick Reviews

2007-07-22T18:11:00.000+08:00

Vacancy
It's probably the best movie ever! NOT! It's such a crappy, crappy movie and I can't imagine what possessed us to actually watch it. After the movie, I wanted to scream, "Give me back my 140 pesos!". The most horrifying moments were actually scenes which I refused to see, because lots and lots of rodents were involved. But my colleagues and I enjoyed trying to scare each other silly. Miss Kate Beckinsale, please don't ever play another damsel in distress role. I much prefer you to the kick-ass werewolf killer of Underworld. And sheesh, can you please make a little less noise when you're trying to get away from murdering maniacs?

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows
I don't know what's the record for fastest time for reading a 759 page book, but I did break my personal record. Dude, 9 hours straight! And I have to say, I am definitely satisfied with how JK Rowling ended the series. (But please, don't go back on your word and make another Harry Potter book after a few yours. Leave the story to rest.) I will not give away any spoilers, but suffice it to say, there were some tears involved and I am thoroughly satisfied on how she closed the story on one character which everybody loves to hate, but oddly enough, I sympathized with. Okay, I will shut up now

Nightwatch by Sergei Lukyanenko
As much as I love the world of Harry Potter, if I had to live in a fantasy world apart from Middle Earth, I would choose to live in this world where vampires, werewolves, witches and magicians engage in constant battles and philosophical debates, sometimes at the same time. This is the basis of that awesome Russian movie which Ailene describes as Underworld meets The Matrix. I am currently reading the second book, Daywatch, and I cannot wait to get my hands on Twilight Watch and Final Watch. When it comes to literature, even fantasy and horror novels, you Russians kick ass

the hotness that is Matthew Fox

Lost Season 3 Finale
Everyone was buzzing about Heroes and a lot of people kinda lost hope that Lost will regain its former glory. I do like Heroes but it's season finale was such a letdown. But when I finally watched Lost, I totally forgot all other TV shows (except for Battlestar Galactica. Why doesnt anyone I know watch this show???). Of course I won't give away spoilers coz I know AXN and Studio 23 arent finished showing the season yet, but people, I have got to tell you this: stick it out to the end. I know some episodes were hum drum (Nicki? Paolo? Who are you guys again?) but wait it out and the last six or seven episodes are truly worth it

and on a final note:

Taco Bell's Green Margarita Slush
If I could drink it everyday, I would

just some questions running through my head

2007-07-19T16:12:00.000+08:00

when will you ever look at me the way i want you to look at me?
when will you ever see the you that is reflected in my eyes?
when will my feelings for you stop fluctuating every other day?
when will you ever admit that you know what i said a few days ago?
when will the fascination with things i know are out of my reach stop?

and when will i start to finally ask these questions to your face?

Switchfoot Concert 2007 Manila Philippines!

2007-07-18T17:15:00.000+08:00

Switchfoot Concert for the benefit of abused & exploited children

On September 10, 2007, the alternative rock band, SWITCHFOOT, will be staging a concert in Manila, the Philippines for the benefit of IJM. Proceeds of the concert will help fund the legal and educational assistance provided to more than 100 children assisted by IJM.

International Justice Mission (“IJM”) is a non-profit organization that documents and monitors conditions of abuse and oppression, educates the public about the abuses, and mobilizes intervention on behalf of the victims. Our Manila office provides free legal, investigative, and social work assistance to abused or exploited children in the National Capital Region.

SWITCHFOOT popularized the following hits:
Only Hope (later re-recorded by Mandy Moore for the movie "A Walk to Remember")
New Way to Be Human
Meant to Live
Dare You to Move
This Is Your Life
Stars

Their latest CD is the rock scorcher "Oh Gravity!".

Ticket prices are:
P1400 (mosh pit)
P1200 (floor seats)
P1000 (special ringside)
P800 (reg ringside)
P600 (special lower box)
P400 (lower box)
P250 (gallery)

Please visit www.ijm.org for more information about IJM and www.mtv.com/music/ artist/switchfoot/artist.jhtml for more information about Switchfoot.
OneMountaintop is the producer of the concert.

Centralized news will be in http://switchfootmanila.blogspot.com
So go there and bookmark it!!! And call up for ticket reservations.

IJM and OneMountainTop is also looking for Corporate Sponsors, BTW

random thoughts while listlessly exercising on the treadmill

2007-07-10T15:37:00.000+08:00

if i fall down the treadmill, will people laugh?

what the heck are those women in the spinning class doing? is this self-inflicted torture?

how many minutes more?

i hope no one is looking at the junk in my trunk

i wish i could make like those "ok go" guys and just dance away on all these treadmills

note to self: look at people wearing bandanas or else you might miss seeing piolo again

how many minutes more?

how the heck did i get from 90 lbs to 1 _ _ lbs? i'm now regretting all those chocolate bars and ice creams over the years, while at the same time, i am dying to have one

i have got to get an ipod video. staring at pokemon on the tv while working out is not so conducive. where is that damn remote?

how many minutes more?

it's only in the movies where you meet "potentials" at the gym. most of the people around me are mommys. or gays. or women who dont need to go to the gym anymore. but yeah, i didnt go here to meet anyone anyway. so there

how many minutes more?

2007-07-09T10:21:00.000+08:00

It is a dreary Monday morning.
The skies are threatening to once again blanket the Metro in unwelcome tears.
My eyes are threatening to give up on me and catch up on the sleep I've been depriving them.
My head is mentally preparing itself to a gruelling week of meetings, plannings, brainstormings.

It's not supposed to cheer me up, but weirdly enough, it does

For the past weeks or so, I've been feeling this emotion that has been foreign to me for so long. Completeness. Satisfaction. Peace

I have made peace with my Father. There are still some issues up in the air but I know that if He got me through the darkets parts of my life, He can get me through these. They say that sometimes He has to break you in order to reach you, but this time around, He blessed me continually in spite of my unfaithfulness, until I couldn't resist anymore. He really has his weird ways and I love Him all the more for that

I am finally home with my family, where I belong. It involves a lot of late night commuting and struggles to wake up early in the morning but at least I can be there whenever my brother cracks a corny joke or Mama cooks a delicious meal or Lola needs me to comfort her when she's sick. At the end of the day, family is still the most important thing

I love my job, my boss, my co-workers. How many people can honestly say that? No matter how many headaches I get from clients, how many meetings and brainstormings in a day I have to go to, I would still declare my love for a job that I know I am meant to do (after years of dilly dallying as to what I want to do with my life, this is truly a great achievement)

Broken is alive. For those of you who don't know what Broken is, it's my band during my college years that was such a big part of my life then and now. And even though 2/5 of the band are married with children (with one more due to tie the knot this year), we are not old enough to love music and to share this love with other people. I imagine that even when we're 60, we would still find a way to play geriatric music together.

There are still so many big and small things that I am thankful for, but I might ramble on and on and on and on...So I will just leave you with the words of Stephen Speaks...

If i lay my voice down at Your feet
would you still hear my song echoing
i might end this game of hide and seek
because in You

i am complete
oh in You
i am complete

all the voices i hear in my sleep
all the sins of my past echoing
to stay off my knees and on my feet
oh but they,
they can't complete
cause in You i am complete

Song Menagerie

2007-07-02T18:23:00.000+08:00

it's that time again when my own words fail me, and so i need to borrow other people's poetry

Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost
- Lead Me to the Cross, United Live

She said what on earth made you stay here
When you finally figured out what I was all about
He said I always knew you'd do the right thing
Even though it might take some time
She said, Yeah, I felt that and that's probably what saved my life
- When It Was Over, Sara Groves

So I don't want to be the last, I don't want to be the first,
Don't want to be alone with my thoughts tomorrow,
And I don't want to be afraid, don't want to look away,
I'm learning to breathe
- Learning to Breathe, Nerina Pallot

But sister you know I’m so weary
And you know sister
My hearts been broken
Sometimes, sometimes
My mind is too strong to carry on
In your love, my salvation lies
In your love, my salvation lies
- Orange Sky, Alexi Murdoch

I feel like I am watching everything from space
And in a minute I'll hear my name and I'll wake
I think the finish line's a good place we could start
Take a deep breath, take in all that you could want
- Finish Line, Snow Patrol

If we only got one try
If we've only got one life
If time was never on our side
Before I die I want to burn out bright
- Burn Out Bright, Switchfoot

Random Thought for the Day

2007-06-27T15:19:00.001+08:00

Even if you say I'm baduy...I would have to admit
Way back in the late 80s and until this very moment...
I think and believe that Debbie Gibson is the bomb

fete? ce n'était pas amusement

2007-06-26T10:56:00.000+08:00

To say that my Fete dela Musique experience this year sucked is not really an understatement, but pretty close
Or maybe we just went to the wrong stage
Still, you couldn't pay me enough to merge with the black boys at the rock stage or the over-blinged people at the hiphop stage
So i guess we were stuck with the supposedly world music/jazz stage, which turned out to be the we're-not-that-popular-or-we-don't-fit-anywhere-else stage
Out of the 10 or so performances we watched, only three stood out: Wahijuara, Coffee Break Island and of course, my band of the moment, Sino Sikat?
I will not name names anymore of who sucked, but suffice it to say, this is the first Fete where I did not enjoy the music
Fortunately, I was with friends who are always a joy to be with and we even ran into a friend whom we thought wasn't here yet and free food is always fun, no matter the circumstances

So, here's to a better Fete next year. Bring back the jazz, the reggae, the soul,the real world music

Makes you wonder why I havent gone crazy

2007-06-19T22:12:00.000+08:00

love Maroon 5 and all
But if someone plays Makes Me Wonder continously for an hour or so
Makes you just want to curse the day the song was written

You have heard of other songs right?
(And don't say Chris Daughtry's Home because you've ruined that for me already by playing it 10 times)

Or just get a headset or something

Theories as to Why I've Become an Insomiac Again

2007-06-18T14:43:00.000+08:00

1. I haven't changed my bedsheets for over a month so there are all kinds of creepy crawlies

2. Prime Suspects, Bejeweled and Text Twist are just too addictive

3. I just might be a little depressed

4. Too many books, so little time

5. My bed creaks whenever I move just a little bit

6. I hate my room

I'm just so excited to be going back to Laguna starting next month. I know I will get less sleep because of the 2 hour commute but at least I will be with my family, I can have baon everyday, I have cable television, I can be spoiled by my lola and it really is my own room

Here's to more sleepless nights...

They say 7 is a lucky number

2007-06-16T10:52:00.000+08:00

Instructions: Each player starts with 7 random habits/facts about themselves. People who are tagged need to write on their own blog about their seven things, as well as these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose 7 people to get tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them that they have been tagged and to read your blog!

1. I have mini-bags inside my big bag. I have a bag for my ballpens and post-its, a kikay kit, a techie bag with all my chargers and wires, a pouch for my book and notebook and a food bag

2. I love reading "deep" books like Atwood, Pamuk, Hornby, Murakami but I also enjoy lightweights like Mary Higgins Clark, Nora Roberts, Lisa Kleypas, Judith and the like. But never chicklit, except when I'm really depressed

3. Music is my drug of choice. I get a certain kind of high when I'm really into music, whether it's listening to my mp3 player, moving my body and soul to a live jazz performance, silently absorbing everything in a rock concert, singing my heart out in karaoke or jumping and lifting my hands in a worship service. Oh, and I collect mp3s like there's no tomorrow

4. I have this weird quirk which I can never explain why I do it. I can never get on an escalator unless it's on an even number (when I start counting the steps). Otherwise, I slip, trip, or hold on to the nearest thing to me, which is usually a person. Okay, psych majors, explain away.

5. Over the past year or so, I've turned into an introvert. Don't get me wrong, I still enjoy talking to friends a lot of times, but I would rather just go home and lock myself into my room with my books, videos and music. Which is a good thing sometimes, but it does fuel depression. Also, I don't have the talent for making new friends. I won't talk to you first unless you talk to me. And it's not shyness or being snobbish. I just don't know how to start a conversation.

6. I am deathly afraid of rodents

7. Except for one guy (who is still a good friend), I cringe when I remember ALL the guys I used to love/like/had a crush on. I can't figure out why I loved/liked/had a crush on them

I tag Moks, Peps, Reah B, Babylene, Charis R, Iris and Jen A

boracay blues

2007-06-14T09:49:00.001+08:00

i had the perfect boracay post tucked away somewhere in my head, but it doesn't want to come out somehow. It had perfect descriptions of sunsets that i only saw in movies and having dinners by the beach under a full moon and serenaded by dreadlocked dudes playing percussions. I wanted to tell you how I was so tempted to just build sandcastles for a living just so I could move there. I wanted to tell you how I felt so insecure about shopping for a bathing suit before going to boracay but when I got there, it didnt really matter what you wore because everything else failed in comparison to the beauty of the place. I wanted to tell you that I didn't mind that Boracay was too commercialized because if you wanted isolation, Boracay isn't the place for you but if you wanted a romantic spot that you can share with a hundred other people, then it is the perfect place

But I think I'll let the pictures tell the story because I'm not feeling so eloquent right now

of course, we have to start taking pictures in the airport pa lang

Someday, that will be me. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking

Beach Bums (I don't mind being one forever)

This was our home in Boracay. Don't be fooled by the name, it's actually a really nice hotel

It wasn't romantic, but it was introspective

Posing at Puka Beach - the mostest bueatifulest place we visited

mermaids anyone?

my favorite starfish

dinner by the beach...

the standard artistic picture (aka modeling a lifevest)

sandcastle makers

2007-06-03T20:27:00.000+08:00

i just got home from boracay an hour ago
no pictures to upload yet
stories are still getting organized in my head
but i cannot let the day pass by without saying this

boracay is truly magical. i now understand why people fall in love with it

how i wish i could stay there and make a career out of building sandcastles in the beach and just asking for donations from tourists posing in front of it

alas, the real world awaits tomorrow

of boys and beaches

2007-05-31T14:16:00.000+08:00

i'm heading to the beach tomorrow for the first time in 8 years

yes, i know i'm a loser. but somehow, the opportunity has never arisen before or i was just too broke or too lazy to arrange something with anyone. but the curse is going to be broken tomorrow morning as the whole office flies off to boracay, hopefully without carrying a single thought of work with us

which brings back memories of the last time i was at the beach. i don't remember exactly when (sometime around 8 years ago) or where (somwhere in between baguio and manila) or what happened (except for the pictures that i have)

but i do remember the feeling of excitement that i carried with me going to the beach and then the hopelessness that i took back with me to manila

for me to tell you the story of the guy i was hopelessly in love with at that time and how he subtly and gently let me down (i refuse to say broke my heart because fortunately, it never happened)and how we have remained good friends until now because he happened to marry my high school best friend and they have a gorgeous daughter together, would require a bottle of beer and much persuasion on your part

for me to tell you the story of another guy who took those wonderful pictures of me and who happened to break my heart into a million pieces years later and how we have remained civil and sometimes a bit friendly in spite of everything that happened, would require three bottles of beer, rum coke and a little bit of persuasion on your part (if i'm not yet drunk out of my mind)

for me to tell you the story of what i was thinking when i was looking out to sea (which was when will i ever find someone i can love and who will love me in return, which unfortunately is still the question in my head every other hour of the day) would require a cup of coffee and a willing ear

and for me to tell you why i associate beaches with boys and hopeless longings, would require an analysis of hollywood movies influence on my life and a brief analysis of my psyche

here's to new memories of new beaches (and just maybe, new boys)

dazed and confused

2007-05-24T15:15:00.000+08:00

I don't know why, but my time away from the real world (aka locking myself in a world where the television is the be all and end all) has left me feeling dazed and confused. Everything seems to be moving slowly or maybe it's me that has gone slow motion. Words that used to flow smoothly through my lips are finding themselves stuck in my throat. Everytime I try to focus on the work at hand, my brain seems to refuse to focus and instead drifts away to a place it shouldn't go to at this moment. And instead of planning where I should go to next since I've been cooped in the house for a week, I'm already drifting off to my bed and thinking of all the things I want to do on my own

It's not as if I went through something remotely life changing. It's not as if I'm depressed because I have nothing to be depressed about. It's not as if I'm at a crossroads in my life because I like where I am now

So not knowing why I am dazed and confused has left me all the more dazed and confused

Bibliophile Meme

2007-05-05T00:54:00.000+08:00

1. One book that changed your life.
Helen Keller's autobiography. I read it once a week when I was in elementary

2. One book you have read more than once.
All Tolkien books. I've read each one more than twice

3. One book you would want on a desert island.
Time Traveler's Wife

4. One book that made you laugh.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

5. One book that made you cry.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Yes, i was schizo when I was reading it

6. One book you wish had been written.
a book about the Fourth Age in Middle Earth. Yes, I'm a geek

7. One book you wish had never been written.
Around 80% of the chick lit stuff lying around

8. One book you are currently reading.
Orphan Pamuk's Snow. I just wish I had the time to finish it

9. One book you have been meaning to read.
Margaret Atwood's Penelopiad

Tag five people for this meme. I won’t be upset if you don’t do the meme. But the meme ghost might be.

You, You, Yes You, You Again and You

the birthday blues

2007-05-02T17:13:00.000+08:00

i think there's a built-in mechanism within me that automatically switches to "depressed" whenever a birthday draws near

i long for the days when i used to count the days to my birthday, 3 months before. when the anticipation as to what that day would bring just about killed me. it wasn't really about the gifts, but finding out who truly cared to do something special of even just greet you.

isn't it such a cliche to feel this way now? somebody, slap some sense into me please?

Hi, just call me Ed

2007-05-01T13:26:00.000+08:00

During the four days that we stayed in Cebu, and having visited almost 10 different coffee shops, not once did the baristas get my name right.

It was always, "Coffee for Eda/Ed"

Don't get me wrong, I didn't find it annoying. I actually found it endearingly amusing

Here's to you Cebu. The next time I visit, I hope it won't be for work, but for fun. I look forward to exploring you leisurely and thoroughly (okay, that didn't sound like it did in my head. but, you get my point)

And the next time I visit, may I take real pictures instead of taking snapshots of lamppost banners for clients (hence, the picture here)

10 weird things about me

2007-04-25T21:12:00.000+08:00

I've been tagged twice, so here goes

1. I've made it my personal mission to collect mp3s like there's no tomorrow. Right now, they occupy 70% of my 80gig laptop. And i have countless burned mp3s. And they're all arranged by artist, alphabetically and by album.

2. I am so OC about organizing events and my computer files but my room looks like a heavy metal band trashed it. But as they say, there is order in chaos

3. I have this thing about getting on escalators. I can only get on the even numbered steps. Otherwise, I lose my balance and try to grab on to the nearest thing, which usually turn out to be strangers

4. I used to hate shopping for anything girly, like clothes, shoes, make-up. I would rather buy books or cds or techie stuff. But all that is slowly changing

5. I have bags within my bag. There's the kikay bag, the techie bag, the school supplies bag and the snack bag. I feel incomplete when one bag is missing.

6. i am so paranoid about forgetting to lock bathroom doors. It's my constant fear that I forgot to lock the door and then someone will walk in and see me doing my business. And I'm also scared of opening bathroom doors for fear that the person
inside forgot to lock their door

7. I am obsessed with getting the perfect body but too lazy to do anything about it. If I spent all my energy on actually working out instead of whining and stuffing my face, maybe I'd have a bod like Beyonce already

8. I used to have notebooks of my favorite celebrities back in high school (eg. eric fructuoso and hans montenegro)and i plastered my wall with posters of edward furlong and leonardo dicaprio. And I memorized all the albums of debbie gibson. And the choreography of paula abdul's opposites attract. In other words, I am such a fangirl

9. I am an introverted extrovert. I can talk like crazy, especially after I've had a dose of caffeine. But more often than not, if I had a choice, i would rather curl up with a book or my laptop or just lie down in bed and stare at the ceiling and make movies in my head

10. I cannot eat anything that has buko or gata in it because a few minutes after I eat that, there is a revolution in my tummy. And so I miss out on a great number of Bicolano dishes and drinking fresh buko juice. Or maybe I should just say to hell with it and i might lose a few pounds along the way

i tag whoever wants to get tagged

once again, my own words fail me

2007-04-18T12:05:00.000+08:00

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's
(My heart, it beats for you)

- My Heart, Paramore

Jane Doe #251

2007-04-11T15:52:00.000+08:00

for the past few nights, I've lain awake in my bed, thinking about what the police/media/crime scene investigators would deduce about me by just looking at my room if one day they discovered my body lying in a pool of blood

one thing's for sure. i will never be mistaken for a neat, control freak. maybe i should start cleaning up and staging the crime scene area

this is what i get from watching too much csi

the truth of the matter is...

2007-04-04T14:03:00.000+08:00

i keep saying i miss you
when in fact, deep down, i really don't
and i know that you feel the same way

but can we keep up the pretense for a little while longer?
it sometimes is nice to hold on to the thought that someone cares enough to pretend to miss you

Let's Pretend I'm a Famous (or even semi-famous) Rocker

2007-04-03T02:14:00.000+08:00

Got this from Aileen who got it from here

"The A.V. Club asks its favorite rockers, writers, comics, or whatevers to set their MP3 players to shuffle and comment on the first few tracks that come up—no cheating or skipping embarrassing tracks allowed."

So, let's pretend for a moment that I am someone famous...

1. "Hoodoo" by Muse
I discovered Muse because of their very very very addictive song "Starlight". This is a very haunting song about with a great classical piano riff and i think it's about a lost love. Or missed opportunities. Or voodoo. Or death. Or all of the above. For lyrics, click here. For the song, click here

2. "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell
A song that never fails to get me all choked up. And when they used this song during Emma Thompson's "breakdown" in Love Actually, I totally lost it. Lyrics here. Music here

3. "Madder" by Groove Armada
First time I heard this song actually. Haha. But Groove Armada is one of those groups that you love, even if you don't like their particular brand of music. I actually don't know how to classify them. Lyrics, music

4. "Letting the Cables Sleep" by Bush
Bush's Manila concert way back in 1996 0r 97 was my first ever rock concert. I came for Gavin Rossdale, I stayed for the music. And a shirtless Gavin Rossdale. If I'm not mistaken, this song was for a Cafe del Mar album. I miss Bush. And Gavin Rossdale aka Mr. Gwen Stefani. Lyrics, music

5. "Missing You" - Tyler Hilton version
No matter how much you hate his character in One Tree Hill, you have to admit Tyler has this sexy husky voice going on. And his straightforward cover of the John Waite song gives me goosebumps everything. Definitely on my list of cheesy songs I love. Lyrics, music

6. "Choose the One Who Loves You More" by Copeland
This is going to be my motto! Haha. Lyrics, music

7. "Emotions" by Beegees
I am not embarrassed to admit that this is in my playlist. I would be embarrassed if I had the Destiny's Child version. Lyrics, music

8. "What a Wonderful World" - Tony Bennet and KD Lang version
Probably one of the most covered songs in the history of cheesy and feel good music. This version sounds like most of the others. But it's still a nice song to listen to when you're feeling happy and in love and the world is a wonder...well you know. Lyrics, music

9. "Hear Me Out" by Frou Frou
A song for those people who stubbornly refuse to accept it's over. Here's hoping I don't become one of those. Lyrics, music

10. "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz
I used to be "married" to this guy. Where is he now? Anyways, I could never sing this song in a karaoke bar, but I always perk up when I hear this in random places or music players. Lyrics, music

Another one bites the dust

2007-04-02T19:23:00.000+08:00

Things I learned/realized before, during and after my friend Trixie's wedding
(Sorry Jacs, borrowed your format...)

1. Do not decide at the last minute what you're going to wear. Otherwise, you'll end up scrambling through your limited wardrobe and texting colleagues at 1 in the morning to find out what goes with a floral blue skirt. And especially when you're emceeing the reception.

2. Again, don't cram for a gift. You will end up buying stuff they probably would not need.

3. Don't agree to emcee the reception unless you really really love the person asking you to do it. It's not an easy task. And don't you always make fun/criticize emcees? Karma is a bitch.

4. Don't wear shoes that you know from previous experience makes you slip. And not when it will strike at the most inopportune times. Like when you're holding your laptop.

5. Speaking of laptops, don't volunteer your laptop to be used for playback at the reception. No matter how cool you think it is to be carrying a laptop while wearing formal wear, it is still uncomfortable, inconvenient and darn heavy, especially when you're forced to commute afterwards.

6. Stop staring at your friend's/the bride's older brother who was your first ever high school crush and stop blushing everytime he tries to talk to you. Remember, he's married with 3 kids even though he still looks darn good. And don't forget that he knows how you felt during those days when you used to write your name with his surname.

7. It's only in movies that you actually meet someone interesting and with potential at weddings. In real life, you actually don't meet anyone. And you don't want to meet anyone after you've made a fool of yourself while emceeing the reception.

8. For the nth time, don't cram when writing your script for the reception. Otherwise, please see numbers 3 and 7

9. Pat yourself on the back for actually feeling happy for your friend instead of wailing and complaining over the fact that you're not in a relationship.

10. Don't hold back your tears when you see your friend walking down the aisle or when they kiss as they're declared husband and wife or when you hug her and realize she's actually married. Otherwise, you'd end up bawling your eyes out when you get home. Less embarrassing but more painful

and because i want you to laugh at my expense

2007-03-29T13:15:00.000+08:00

probably my best picture ever...

one of the things i love about myself is that...

2007-03-27T23:56:00.000+08:00

it doesn't take much to make me happy

a nice paper bag
a kopi bun
a cup of coffee
a corny joke
seeing cristiano ronaldo's face when i open my laptop
hearing a great song first thing in the morning (today it's mika's love today)
an extra 10 minute nap after i hit the snooze alarm

and im a happy camper already

not really stranger than fiction

2007-03-26T10:10:00.000+08:00

this morning as i got out of bed, i felt a bit like harold krick, the main character in stranger than fiction, one of my favorite movies

i know that i will wake up not because of my alarm clock but because of a phone call from either my boss, an officemate or a client.
i know it will take me 15 minutes before i can force myself to trudge to the bathroom and do my morning rituals.
i know i will do all my morning rituals in the same, exact order that i've been doing it for the past two months.
i know it will take me approximately 30 minutes to get dressed and put on all sorts of stuff on my hair and make-up and then another 15 minutes to choose which bag to use for today and then literally dump all my things from my previous bag.
i know that i will sit on my bed for a minute just to convince myself that i should start my five minute walk to the office.
i know that as i go down the stairs, i will be met by the not so cute dog of my landlord and that he will growl for a few seconds before recognizing that i am one of the good guys.
i know that as i reach the corner of morato i will wage an internal battle with myself whether i should buy a cup of starbucks coffee or settle for kopiroti's cheaper but not necessarily better brewed kopi.
and i know that as i take the 3 flights of stairs to my office, my day will probably be spent in front of takeshi kaneshiro (aka my laptop).

oh, and when i opened the radio this morning, the very first song that i heard was Spoon's The Way We Get By which was the song riff they used in the movie I mentioned above

it's a sign that i need to get a life. or even shake up my routine a bit

This is so cool....

2007-03-25T21:30:00.001+08:00

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

metal from the sky

2007-03-16T15:21:00.000+08:00

a month or so of painstaking preparation
countless sleepless nights
loss of social life (which wasn't really there to begin with, come to think of it)
loss of hair due to frustration with anal-retentive client
loss of confidence in one's abilities coupled with surprising discoveries about one's capabilities

and then after...

my personal highlight of our big event wasn't the President's arrival or the kudos offered by happy clients nor the look of tired satisfaction on my colleague's faces

it all boiled down to an unfortunate freak accident

an hour or two after the President leaves, I open a door and down came the metal plate on top of my head
elated turned into dazed and confused and in tremendous amount of pain
and to my embarrassment afterwards, everyone from the site director to the janitor was fussing over me

the plus side, after an x-ray and a CT scan, it turned out to just be a contusion. and i got a much-needed four day rest

the minus side, i was so looking forward to an after event "party" which never materialized because of the whole mess

but i really am grateful that all screws are still present inside my head. or whatever is left of them

how has it come to this

2007-03-15T08:20:00.000+08:00

that i feel like i can't function...
that i couldn't sleep a wink...
that my mind is in constant turmoil and in a state of agitation...

all because takeshi kaneshiro (aka my laptop) crashed

hay...the problems of the computer age are too much for me to handle

another sign that i might truly be meant for the single life

2007-03-11T14:04:00.000+08:00

i spent 80% of the weekend by myself
and i can't remember feeling this happy and content in a long time

yes you

2007-02-27T00:46:00.000+08:00

i was just lamenting to an officemate that i think i'll try not to like a certain guy or any guy at all because it all ends up in heartache (yes, drama queen i know) when suddenly this song starts to play...

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
- Coffee, Copeland

(thanks my own personal demi-goddess for introducing me to this band)

i may declare everyday that i'm through with love
i may cry at every turn over guys that unintentionally hurt/ignore me
i may hysterically laugh at the jokes the universe continually plays on me
i may get fed up with putting myself out there and not getting anything in return
i may get nauseatingly jealous of people who have seemingly found something rare

but at the end of the day...i think i'd still be willing to wait
hurry up a bit, will you?
a girl can only wait up to a certain point without turning totally cynical

maybe i should...

2007-02-25T19:11:00.000+08:00

stop sticking my tongue out in pictures
it makes me look high school-ish
but it seems to darts out automatically when a camera is pointed at me

life is like itunes' party shuffle

2007-02-24T20:42:00.000+08:00

...you have no control over what you're gonna get next

Oh all the days
That I have run
I sought to lose that cloud that's blacking out the sun
My train will come
Some one day soon
And when it comes I'll ride it bound from night to noon
- Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well, Mike Doughty

the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide
- lightning crashes, live

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
- That It Would Be Good, Alanis Morisette

It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain
- Life is Wonderful, Jason Mraz

Now the skies could fall
Not even if my boss should call
The world it seems so very small
'Cause nothing even matters at all
- Nothing Even Matters, Lauryn Hill

Childlike no on understand
Jack knife in your sweaty hands
Some kind of innocence is
measured out in years
You don't know what it's like
to listen to you fears
- Hey Bulldog, The Beatles

make a wish

2007-02-24T00:00:00.000+08:00

i wish you could transport yourself here and have 10 cups of coffee with me till we're too high to find the exit door because we're too busy dancing and giggling about the silliest things. i miss those days

i wish i had the ability to have only 3 hours of sleep but still look gorgeous and refreshed the next morning. But then even when I had 8 hours of sleep I still wasn't that so go figure

I wish I had enough money to decorate the little space in morato i call home. It doesnt feel like home to me because of all the furniture that's there that i didnt choose but comes with the package. The oversized armoire, the creaky bed, the humid air, those arent very conducive to reading a book, doing a handicraft or sort or even just staring off into space

i wish i could sit for an hour or two with bono and just pick his brain. and then afterwards he would grab his guitar and sing "walk on" to me while tears silently trickle down my cheek. a hallmark emo moment

i wish i would stop falling for guys who look my way but see an empty space or guys who love to look at pretty girls or guys who are emotionally unavailable or guys who seem nice but will eventually turn out to be jerks. Okay, i've already ruled out 60% of the male population, and 35% have a different preference. So good luck to me!

i wish i didnt disappoint you. you put me on a pedestal and now that you think i've fallen, you just can't hide your dismay and hurt huh? But you know what would make you cry even more? I love my life now. It's not perfect but it's a path that i've chosen on my own. Is it a tall order to tell you not to feel sad for me?

i wish i didn't have to deal with anal-retentive clients. it definitely takes out the fun in doing events. i dont mind the late nights, the cramming, the thousand details, as long as i dont have someone breathing down my neck

i wish i could sit in one corner the whole day and just finish 2-3 books that are supposed to be read but are now gathering dust and sitting forlornly on my bedstand

how about you? what do you wish for at this very moment?

cholesterol rocks!!!

2007-02-21T22:27:00.000+08:00

i could whine on and on about anal-retentive corporation communication men and careless mistakes i've been making because of too much pressure from aforementioned men who are too busy covering their asses rather than trying to do a good job

but what i wanna say is...

tapa queen is positively sublime

thank you, o inventors of greasy and spicy food
you just made life a little more bearable

crush of the moment

2007-02-20T08:22:00.000+08:00

"Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore"
- Starlight, Muse

Have you ever had a crush on a song? Whenever you hear it, you get all tingly inside, and not because you associate it with a certain someone. You long to hear it on the radio, even though you've got it always stored on your phone. And even though the vocalist isn't a gorgeous specimen, suddenly he seems incredibly attractive.

That's how I feel about this song

Now I don't know if it's a sign of desperation that I'm having crushes on songs...

i wish i could jump gracefully

2007-02-17T23:04:00.000+08:00

but as it is, my jumping pictures are awkward and silly
but id rather jump with abandon
try it, it's therapeutic

i want hat!!!

2007-02-12T22:08:00.000+08:00

it's amazing sometimes how single-minded children can be. when they really want something, they would ask for it continuously, regardless if they really need it or if they have any use for it

saturday afternoon was spent on a taxi ride with a little girl in the backseat endlessly begging for a hat that wasn't even cute to begin with. and as much as the little girl was witty, adorable and heartbreakingly aching for that stupid hat, her mom (my colleague) was adamant about not giving in to her demand because she knows it will just be a waste of money. she sulked, she pleaded, she shed crocodile tears, all to no avail. we tried to pacify her by making jokes of officemates' names, which to us was utterly hilarious, but to no avail. all she could say over and over was "I WANT HAT!"

which got me thinking, we never really get over that, as much as we'd like to think we've matured since that selfish phase. we still insist on demanding things from the universe even though every sign has pointed to us not getting them anytime soon. or we stubbornly hold on to hopes and dreams that we actually don't need or we know aren't good for us

and i know there are reasons why i haven't been granted every whim and fancy that i've desired. and maybe it will take me a lifetime to understand every one of those reasons. and i will continue sulking and pleading and crying supposedly real tears, until i finally learn my lesson, until the next tantrum

and our saturday ended with the little girl not getting what she wanted but thoroughly enjoying herself by the poolside of the intercon. there's a lesson there somwhere, i just have to figure it out

resolution # 423

2007-02-09T21:46:00.000+08:00

"i think i've let myself make a fool of myself long enough
so as of today, february 8, 2007, 11:32PM, i am reverting back to the cynical, hopeless unromantic persona and veering away from the lovestruck, lovesick and foolish high school girl ghost that seemed to have temporarily taken over my body the past few weeks"

as i stand on the balcony and stare at that freakishly large moon that just begs to be looked at and i see the wisps of smoke obscure my already teary eyes, this is the resolution that i have come up with. i don't want to be reduced to one of those women that i used to look at with a mixture of pity and disdain

so i am putting my foot down on myself and hoping that this becomes one resolution i stick with

he asks, she says (but not really)

2007-02-07T18:42:00.000+08:00

he asks: what's up
she says: (flippantly) the sky
what she wanted to say: you look very cute today. but of course you know that. i'm beginning to think you deliberately choose to look cute to torture me. but hey, what can i do?

he asks: are you ok?
she says: of course!
what she wanted to say : do i look like i'm okay? well, i try to pretend i am but somehow because im such a crybaby, obviously, you see that i'm not okay. im trying hard to be okay, but obviously, it isnt working. and lest your ego gets boosted to the highest heavens, you are just part of the reason im not okay, not the entire reason. but no, i'm not okay

he asks: can you help me with something
she says: it depends
what she wanted to say: i am this close to saying yes to almost anything. but that....don't you know what that is doing to me? do you have any idea how painful a proverbial knife to the heart is? at times i even feel this physical pain everytime the thought of you and....

he asks: (silence)
she says: are you ok? what's wrong
what she wanted to say: (or do) awww...you want a hug?

while my guitar gently screeches

2007-02-06T09:48:00.000+08:00

I have to admit, I'm a frustrated rocker chick. Yes, I know that I can sing, but my voice isn't something that can knock someone's socks off. Yes, I do know a few chords or two but my playing is mediocre at best (and my wittle fingers can't make bars). And the songs that I wrote back in the days when I was brave enough to write now make me want to vomit.

But that doesn't stop me from fantasizing that I regularly play in a dark, dank and smoky bar, singing and playing my guitar out, releasing all the pent-up female angst that had been bubbling inside me. In my fantasies, I sing like Dido, look like Katie Holmes and I always get the guy, whether he be the bad-ass drummer or the emotionally untouchable record executive. And yes, I am extremely popular and filthy rich but I still prefer to play in those random bars because I don't want to lose my artistic sensibility and sell out to those bubblegum pop alternative machines. (it sometimes scares me that my "imagined life" is more vivid than the real one that i'm living in)

I know I would probably never have my own album or even record a song, because, after all, that isn't my real goal in life. I am happy with the way my life is turning out and i wouldnt want to have it suddenly and magically turn into a rock star life because i dont think i would be able to handle that (among other things). But I do have one goal that I plan to fulfill this year: to be able to perform somwhere, i dont care where or how, singing and playing the guitar at the same time. I've done both individually, but never at the same time, because I easily get flustered.

So I guess I have to learn more songs other than my trio of songs that I've already semi-mastered that drove people crazy when we were in Tagaytay. You can only listen to Linger, Oo and Stranded over and over again for so long

Until then, I'd just have to be content with a preemptive album cover...

That's why I hate surprises

2007-02-05T08:07:00.000+08:00

Sometimes u need to be caught off guard to know the true extent of your feelings. You may not always like what you see. Honesty can be an ugly and cruel taskmaster. But at least you are now aware of what you really feel beyond what you allowed yourself to feel. And as I always like to say, I would rather have my illusions shattered in one blow than to prolong the agony of living under delusions.

I think the tougher question is,what do you do now that you know? Where do you go from here?

I'll let you know if I ever get the answers
And hopefully, this is the last thing I will say on this subject

no other way except up

2007-02-02T23:58:00.000+08:00

how bad was my week, let me count the ways

1. i moved on my own. okay, this was supposedly good news because i have now officially become an independent adult. but going up and down 10 flights of stairs with your gazillion things with only your company driver to accompany you is no joke. and then learning that the said driver got sick for two days only worsened the feeling

2. and said gazillion things have still not been unpacked. why, you may ask? sheer laziness and lack of enthusiasm. plus i have this magical ability to know exactly where my things are in that mess, so my mind is kinda telling me, there's no hurry to unpack

3. i may have damaged a few relationships along the way because of stupidity, recklessness and utter lack of responsibility towards people i have come to regard as family. and i am too embarrassed to even attempt to mend them

4. i got locked out of my house the other night and had to spend the night alone at the office. again, stupidity is the cause. maybe i've been having such a bad week because my stupid gene is acting up again

5. all that confidence in myself that i've developed for the past few months have temporarily (i hope) gone on vacation. i feel awkward, unworthy, unpretty, stupid (there's the word again) and momentarily lost. or it may just be that time of the month

6. "but i'm in too deep. you know i'm such a fool for you. you got me wrapped around your finger...." - please don't let this be my song (note to self)

so my goal for next week is: STOP WHINING
as i told a friend a few nights ago, when you're this down, tomorrow definitely has to be better cause you can't go any other way except up

i'm heading off to tagaytay in a few hours and even though this is a company mandated planning, i sure am happy just to get out of manila for a few days and maybe, just maybe, i might find my mojo and juju back

the post-quarter life emo-ish rant

2007-01-31T23:14:00.000+08:00

how to explain how i feel right now? forgive the mind vomit...

i feel like i cut off my arm to stop my hand from hurting

i feel the old festering wounds threatening to spit up like vomit and i can't do anything to stop it except to swallow it, therefore leaving this acidic, bitter taste in my mouth

i feel ashamed of all my shortcomings and letting down the people i have come to love and cherish but are now part of this book that i desperately want to close because i am afraid of turning the next page and seeing the list of all my transgressions

i feel like i am slowly achieving my dream but the elation is mixed with the guilt because in order to get there i would have to sacrifice some things i've never thought of giving up before

i feel this unbearable urge to act upon an unspoken attraction that i know will lead me to heartache down the road

i feel this need to go cold turkey on cutting them off from my life because if i know they're still there, all this confusion and turmoil inside me will go unresolved because i will still always rely on them even though i sometimes feel they're too far away in their own worlds for me to reach

i feel like the things i believed in strongly before are now held by a very weak thread and i am afraid to examine them closely because if they finally break, i would not know how to deal with the broken pieces

i feel like shutting my ears because i know the things i will hear are probably right but i am also afraid that they will finally sound empty to me and i just can't handle that

so yes, that is me, the big ball of energy, confusion and emotion that is now craving for things that are practically out of my reach

so ends the vomitting

today

2007-01-30T16:08:00.000+08:00

i officially became an adult because i moved to a new house all by myself

i am even more smitten and feeling like a high school girl going all giggly

is the first time that i don't have much work on my plate and that scares the heck out of me

is the first time i left the house without any earrings and bracelets and i feel a bit naked

i've decided to let go of a lot of things to make room for other things that previously did not have space because of too much clutter, physically and metaphorically speaking

i am, once again, seriously starting my diet (until the next time i decide to, once again, throw caution to the wind)

is the day when i wanted to post but had nothing intelligent to say, hence this post

extremely beautiful and incredibly sad

2007-01-25T08:19:00.000+08:00

If you saw a girl in the mrt last Sunday,with tears streaming down her face while reading a chocolate stained book while holdng a tupperware of strawberries and coffee beans,yes that was me.

and what got me bawling my eyes out was a book called extremely loud and incredibly close. as a friend said, what will tug at your heart is not just what was said but even moe so, what was left unsaid. and i also cry because i am amazed at how the writer captured pain, grief, and loss in such a beautiful way

i still have a few chapters to go, but already i am highly recommending this book. i am willing to lend it to you, chocolate stains and all...

what's been keeping me up again

2007-01-24T10:04:00.000+08:00

(image by Jen and words by Stef)

DELL Rocks Eastwood City

On Jan. 25-27 from 6-9 p.m., Dell’s newest Contact Center takes Eastwood City by storm with a series of concerts featuring three of the hottest local bands today—Up Dharma Down, Orange and Lemons, and Rivermaya. The concerts coincide with DELL’s recruitment efforts as they expand their operations in the Philippines with a second site in Eastwood City’s cyber/commercial complex (their first center is in Mall of Asia).

Dell has been placing high value on making computers accessible to customers around the world—including businesses, institutional organizations and individuals—for more than two decades. Because of Dell’s direct model, technology is more accessible and affordable. With more than 75,000 employees worldwide, Dell operates in more than 50 countries. This global reach means that Dell’s direct approach is relevant across the board—all product lines, regions and customer segments.

Don’t mistake Dell’s Customer Contact Centers for call centers. Dell has a penchant for finding the best talent in the customer support industry. It offers vast career growth opportunities for its employees and a chance to make a real difference to themselves and to the world. It’s called the Total Value of working at Dell.

Interested applicants are encouraged to bring their resumes to one of the recruitment booths around the Eastwood Center Plaza during the concert. You can rock out to the music of Up Dharma Down, Orange and Lemons and Rivermaya while you’re at it, too.

commuter's tirade

2007-01-17T17:35:00.000+08:00

i hate hate hate hate commuting
not that I'm a rich bitch who doesn't want to get dirty by sitting next to a sweaty man on the jeepney
it's just that i hate being stressed and harassed even before i get to start my work day
i dont think i even need to tell you that Filipino jeepney drivers are absolutely crazy (okay, hasty generalization, sorry). they swerve at the most inopportune times, they talk to fellow jeepney drivers in the middle of the street, they probably need to use motolite break fluid or something and they contribute like 80% to Manila's pollution. and dont even get me started on riding the MRT during rush hours...

i leave the house all poised and freshly washed and with a wide smile to greet the morning. But by the time i'm halfway through my commute, i feel awkward, sweaty and have a wide frown to greet the onslaught of fellow commuters trekking on the same road i am. Okay, it is partly my fault too because usually you will find me with 2-3 bags or one big, inconvenient bag and that really makes commuting even more difficult

So it is with great anticipation that I'm looking forward to not commuting anymore. No, i am not getting a car or deciding to waste my salary away by taking a taxi everyday. I have blessedly found a boarding house that is 10 houses away from my office. So aside from getting a bit of exercise everyday and saving up on commuting fare, i get to arrive at the office poised, freshly washed and with a sleepy smile on my face because i just got up a few minutes ago

The downside? Now i cant blame the perils of commuting for being late

now if only life was really a movie...

2007-01-16T22:32:00.000+08:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.

But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

a great way to start the week

2007-01-15T09:44:00.000+08:00

i got locked in our bathroom for an hour this morning
put it down to one of those "what the crap was i thinking?" moments

it's already been clearly established by my housemates that our bathroom door is broken. and i was clearly warned not to lock that door, lest i get locked inside

but sure enough, as i sleepily trudged to the bathroom early this morning, i heard the inevitable click of the door and it slowly dawned on me that i was locked in, at 530 in the morning, and with one housemate away in Negros, and one away in dreamland.

if this had happened to me months ago, i would have just sat on the bowl and bawled my eyes out, then waited for my housemate to eventually wake up at around 7am

but this time around, i resolved to solve this stupid problem on my own. and true enough, the adage "kung di mo makuha sa santong dasalan, kunin sa santong pwersahan" (or something like that) proved true

it might not be a big deal for you, but for me it is a breakthrough

coffee coffee coffee

2007-01-11T21:19:00.000+08:00

if you open up my body at this very moment, you would probably see, smell and feel caffeine running through my veins

coffee used to be a recreational activity for me. but now my brain has been re-wired to associate coffee with business meetings, working on my laptop, trying to find a coffee shop with free wifi

coffee used to be for having quiet but crazy conversations with friends or a contemplative "me" time or just simply basking in the addictive aroma and heady feeling that coffee gives me

im not complaining, because i would take coffee whatever way i can

but i do miss just staring off into space while sipping on a frapuccino. or reading a book while i let my cappuccino get cold. or marathon gab session with friends who dont know the meaning of segue while constantly getting brewed coffee refills

so the first chance i get, il spend the whole day just doing all of that. so are you up for a cup?

2006 is the year when...

2007-01-02T17:55:00.000+08:00

...i finally learned to eat with chopsticks

...i became sure that i will forever be an alterna-rock girl, even when i cannot hear anymore

...i took a look at some of the things i always believed in and realized that i need to re-examine them because i dont know why i believed them in the first place

...i played "chasing cars" like crazy

...i finally came back to the career i tried to escape and now im truly fulfilled and satisfied

...a dream almost came true, until i came crashing down to earth painfully

...i got addicted to even more shows (battlestar galactica, heroes, jericho, how i met your mother, without a trace, arrested development, the office)

...i fell in crush with a guy who knows i exist but doesnt look my way and surprisingly, it's perfectly fine with me

...the photo op gods were good to me (steven curtis chapman, chris botti, joel houston)

...the odd wheel syndrome really got to me

...christmas and new year were spent eating take out food and being perfectly happy about it

here's to a great new year!!!

hibernation is...

2006-12-31T07:42:00.000+08:00

lounging around the house, doing nothing but eat Christmas leftover food, reading cheesy crime/love story novels and doing massive marathons of crime procedural shows (Without a Trace, CSI and an occasional Buffy)

and then on the last few days of hibernation, panicking because you realize you've done nothing productive at all

what a great way to start the year!

happy holidays everyone!

blues clues

2006-12-21T10:04:00.000+08:00

We're all as lonely as we wanted to be
- People Watching, Jack Johnson

"Loneliness is cooking for five people and then eating alone"
- me, crying over beef with brocolli a few nights ago

I don't know why December brings out the depression in people. It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. But because of our beauty/love/gift obsessed society, people who have none of the above tend to sing the blues instead of the hallelujahs.

Even I, the eternal cynical optimist (if there is such a thing) tend to drop a few tears when this time of the year comes around. And it depresses me when I feel depressed because I should know better than to listen to those stupid voices in my head that tell me I'm all alone. Hello, I have a God who showers me with grace and love, a family who loves me, friends who will be there for me if i need them, a job that i love, a roof over my head, etc etc etc. Why the heck should I feel sad just because I have no shopping money (due to laptop payments), i'm always an odd wheel (it's not their fault they're in love) or that the guy i like barely knows i'm alive (okay, that sounds too high school-ish) or because it is cool to be melancholic this time of the year

I'm a Christmas gal. I love the lights that line the street, the songs that make you sigh or bob your head or both. I go gaga over puto bumbong and bibingka. I sniff the Christmas air like it's a drug (but only till i realize that it's actually pollution im smelling, underneath that air). I think Christmas is wonderful. It's a reminder of just how much God loves us.

That is why I am convincing myself (and you too, if you are in the same funk) to snap out of this, because it is not doing me any good. Wouldnt you rather be happy and content than pining away for things that are out of your reach. Yes, easier said than done. But, it is still a choice (unless you're suffering from something clinical or psychological, then i suggest you get help) to be lonely or to be happy

And yes it sounds cliched and trite, but I will choose joy over everything else. Otherwise, it's all useless

dream list

2006-12-19T12:38:00.000+08:00

it's that time of the year...

patience for slow and incompetent people. not everyone is perfect. and that definitely includes me

a full dental work-up so my chipped front tooth can finally be fixed (which was a result of a ghastly encounter with the stairs and the floor six years ago)

discipline and determination to go on a real diet and exercise program

different colored ballpens and post-its

confidence to talk to people i barely know and courage to talk to the people i do know who tend to dominate conversations

neil gaiman's fragile things

U2 on U2

a short, harmless fling

a best friend who's not married and who's not in japan

to be able to spend more time with my family

the ability to clean the house thoroughly

a cutesy laptop bag or envelope

a moleskin notebook

passion to fall in love with my God all over again

sitting in front of myself

2006-12-12T17:27:00.000+08:00

I may not have gone where I intended to go,
but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -- Douglas Adams

For the past few weeks, Plaza San Ignacio in Intramuros has been my 3rd home away from home (next to my apartment and the office) because of an event i have there (which reminds me, i havent written about that event here...hmmmm)

But last Saturday afternoon, was the first time that I've been able to just sit there and not do any work, to just stare at the surroundings that is just overflowing with history and untold stories

I felt like I was in a different place, reading a book and sitting in front of a statue of a girl reading a book, feeling the rain drizzling on my face, hearing the horses' hooves as they passed behind me, pausing every once in a while to look at the ruins and wonder at what actually happened inside them hundreds of years ago

And I wonder, a few hundred years ago, who was sitting or standing in this exact spot and what he/she was thinking. Was he a Spaniard, wondering at the fates that brought him to this "godforsaken island"? Was he an Illustrado, trying to hold back tears at the thought of leaving these islands for a better life in another country? Was he an Indio, thinking about where his next meal will be coming from? (Come to think of it, even today, these exact internal dialogues could still be happening with the different people who pass by here)

This is what I love with hanging out in places that are outside buildings or anything airconditioned. You get to indulge the dreamer in you, the writer that has long since been dormant and is struggling to get out. Or you can just have temporary, momentary peace that has eluded you for a long time. And in that mental snapshot of that moment, at least everything looks dreamy or hopeful or whatever you want it to be.

And I am brought back to earth when the rain finally shows its full might after teasing me with a few measly drops. The mood has been broken, I shouldve taken shelter. But as I cinematically lift my face up to the sky, I say, I'm okay where I am right now, with the rain and all

And then I wonder if someone in the future will stand at that same spot and feel the ghost of the girl reading a book in front of the statue of the girl reading a book

top 7 reasons why i can't have children yet

2006-12-08T10:18:00.000+08:00

don't get me wrong, i love kids and babies. but when it comes to having one of my own...that's another matter altogether.

1. i am still too selfish. i would rather watch my favorite tv show than take care of a crying, squealing baby.

2. when i take care of other people's kids, i can always give them back when they start crying. but when it's my own, then i cant pass them off to other people. and i have no idea how to make a crying baby stop.

3. i dont know how to wrap gifts or to put plastic covers on books and notebooks. and im too lazy to learn

4. i havent been able to save money in the bank. not even a peso. and we all know that babies need a lot of money even if they dont have the vaguest concept of what money is

5. i dont know how to discipline. when a kid demands something from me, i immediately give in because i hate seeing them throw tantrums or cry or be mad at me for any reason. and i sometimes bribe kids into liking me.

6. i'm still very much a kid myself

7. i have such a low threshold for pain. childbirth scares the heck out of me. so there

anywhere but here

2006-12-06T17:41:00.000+08:00

it's been a while since i've played this game, since ive been thoroughly happy and satisfied with the way my life has been going lately. and i still am happy. i feel like this is where i belong

but there are days, when you have a pounding headache, when your body seems to be rebelling against you, when no matter how little you eat you cant seem to fit into your old jeans, when you're getting frustrated with love (or the lack of), when people keep saying your event is interesting and that they will go but no one seems to be actually going, when you just want to curl up with your music and your tv shows and your books in a cozy room somwhere in baguio

yes, it's one of those days

so...anywhere but here

i want to sit in a cafe in italy, sip three shots of espresso, quietly read a book that will cause the people around me to look at me and say, hmmm, she seems interesting

i want to walk along the cobbled streets of greece and go to the ancient ruined temples and listen to the echoes of long ago

i want to walk down the streets of new york, walking slowly, drinking in all the sights, not minding the people who are hurriedly walking past me, cursing me for walking slowly. i wanna stare at that bright monstrosity of a tree at rockefeller center

i want to swim in the blue waters of palawan, never mind that the water might be freezing. i want to bury my feet in the sand and watch pretty girls and gorgeous men as they walk by. but i will not wear a bikini. at least not yet

i want to browse through all the booksales in the greater manila area. and have enough money to buy a book from each

i want to drink a big chill strawberry kiwi fruit shake

i want too much. sigh

random thought for today

2006-12-05T16:23:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish i could fall in love (and get my heart broken eventually) if only to totally relate to the emo-ish alterna-love songs that i always listen to

two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
sing me a rainbow it’s sunny again
swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
could I keep dreaming for a little while longer

when you’re searching your soul
when you’re searching for pleasure
how often, pain is all you find
but when you’re coasting along and nobody’s trying too hard
you can turn around and like where you are

- when im thinking about you, the sundays

just because

2006-12-04T14:58:00.000+08:00

because of a gazillion doses of bioflu and tuseran (burning questions: why do cough syrups have to taste so vile? and why the heck do some people get addicted to it?) i feel like i'm floating somewhere in space looking down at me forcing myself to work

because of an intense buffy (gads, how i miss this show) and battlestar galactica (people, please start watching!) marathon, i am now so tempted to cancel all other appointments and just stay at home and watch all night, a throwback to my tv addiction days. hi i'm ida and i'm a tv-holic

because klite 103.5 is going off-air by dec 15, i have now decided to forsake radio and just stick to my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player and i dont mind waiting in line or going on long commutes as long as my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player has life

because i was not able to go to baguio this weekend and people forgot to bring me pasalubong (okay, i forgot that guys are incapable of doing thoughtful things for people other than their girlfriends), i am now craving for any strawberry-ish food, but i know it's bad for my diet, so im feeling a bit cranky

because i still feel groggy, i am not capable of producing profound and insightful words and so you are stuck with reading these random thoughts for i feel bad looking at my blog and seeing that my last entry is november 29

because i woke up to this song this morning, this is my lss (can you guess the song?)

Ive willed, Ive walked, Ive read
Ive talked, I know, I know,
Ive been here before

a new lease on life

2006-11-29T10:30:00.000+08:00

faith amidst doubt
obedience amidst temptation
peace and joy beyond circumstances
grace amidst guilt
love above all else

hi, i'm ida and i'm a klutz

2006-11-27T17:54:00.000+08:00

it still amazes me sometimes that i am such a klutz
just last week, i sported three bandaids on my fingers because of numerous paper cuts
and my day isn't complete without a daily tripping on one or more steps of our three story house (i swear, i might actually really hurt myself one of these days)
and just yesterday, i almost decapitated a finger with our can opener and then later on, with the filing cabinet

i can blame tripping and falling on my inner ear infection, but what about the other "accidents"? i guess i really have to accept the reality that i will never be a model or a graceful dancer (aside from the fact that even if i had perfect balance, i still wouldnt be able to make a career with both)

but i guess i kinda like my klutziness, because i am constantly reminded of how imperfect i really am. which is not such a bad thing really. i would never be overconfident and even if i am, i will be brought crashing back to earth (literally)

and i dont mind being a constant source of amusement from the people around me, even the people i dont know. because when you are sprawled on the pavement, the only thing you can do is laugh because crying will not do you any good, really

so the next time you see me holding on to the escalator for dear life, or you see me with my skirt stuck in the door, don't worry, you can laugh along. i just wish you would help me first

an epiphany on a day that started out way too early

2006-11-24T04:42:00.000+08:00

just when you think your body and brain cannot take it anymore and are already overloading with the gazillion things you have to do and think about, you realize that you still have the strength to push yourself a little more. and realizing that that strength is not your own is a very comforting thought and gives rest amidst everything

at this very moment, i can truly say that He is my strength

you dont need to apologize

2006-11-22T07:32:00.000+08:00

me: I'm sorry I'm too short
Joel : No, I'm sorry I'm too tall

More on this later...I still can't find the words to describe it

me and Joel Houston from Hillsong United

stop stepping on me

2006-11-20T19:44:00.000+08:00

i dont know what is it about me that makes people step on my toes all the time
and i dont mean that figuratively. i mean, literally step on my dainty feet!

for the past two days only, i got stepped on five times. and it's not just the normal, step on a pinky toe kind of pain. it's the "he's wearing leather shoes and weighs more than a hundred pounds and steps on my foot for five seconds" kind of agony. and it keeps happening wherever i go. on escalators, in jeepneys, in elevators, in the office, etc etc etc

and no matter how many times they say sorry, it doesnt minimize the pain unintentionally and unknowingly inflicted on me

oh wait, im still talking about my feet right?

Try Again by Keane

2006-11-20T17:49:00.000+08:00

I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow

Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting

God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

whoever you think you are

2006-11-18T17:06:00.000+08:00

there are things that are better left unsaid in person but should be said out loud whether in your head or in writing

so here goes...

i thank you for making me feel something i havent felt in a long time. a lot of people were telling me to stop feeling that way because it would end up in heartache. i could've listened to them and just put a wall between you and me. but, foolishly perhaps, i chose to risk a bit of pride and emotion and discovered the wonderful person you are and the man you are trying to become.

there were moments when i was so tempted to drop not-so-subtle hints but i restrained myself because i wouldnt know what to do anyways if you picked up on those hints and decided to do something

and im so thankful that you never did anything that would have caused me to misconstrue your intentions or lead me down a path that i also would have not known where to go. i shouldve been peeved that you didnt flirt or dropped pick-up lines but somehow wounded egos didnt figure into this equation

i think this is the first time ever that unrequited like/love did not end up in heartbreak. i never shed a single tear over you during this time, and if you really know me and my history, you would really be surprised. this doesnt mean that my feelings weren't that deep to begin with. i cant even explain to myself what i exactly feel, but i do know that a few weeks in, it went past the line of infatuation

but for now, i think i've decided to step back and rethink what i really want with my life, in terms of "boys" and relationships. and that means stop considering the possibilities, stop thinking about you constantly (and lately, it's been surprisingly possible) and to just look at you as a friend and not "the one". you didnt do anything wrong, i still think you're wonderful and amazing, and i guess that will never change

i guess what im trying to say here is, thank you, even though im pretty sure you dont know who you are and how you've "helped" me discover things about myself, even though you dont know you were actually helping

so there, ive said it. as that guy in love actually says after he declares his feelings for keira knightley through idiot boards, "enough. that's enough"

saturday afternoon blues

2006-11-18T15:11:00.000+08:00

i've been playing "anywhere but here" in my mind lately, but still i end up in a place that is too "here". even my imagination has become boring

first thought that popped into my head

2006-11-12T05:38:00.000+08:00

when i suddenly woke up after a two hour nap while sitting at the office conference table at 5AM on a sunday morning:

"Crap, I didn't bring a toothbrush! How can I ride a jeep home?"

Hygiene, not the fact that i just spent the night in the office, alone, is the foremost thing in my mind. Go figure