boracay blues

i had the perfect boracay post tucked away somewhere in my head, but it doesn't want to come out somehow. It had perfect descriptions of sunsets that i only saw in movies and having dinners by the beach under a full moon and serenaded by dreadlocked dudes playing percussions. I wanted to tell you how I was so tempted to just build sandcastles for a living just so I could move there. I wanted to tell you how I felt so insecure about shopping for a bathing suit before going to boracay but when I got there, it didnt really matter what you wore because everything else failed in comparison to the beauty of the place. I wanted to tell you that I didn't mind that Boracay was too commercialized because if you wanted isolation, Boracay isn't the place for you but if you wanted a romantic spot that you can share with a hundred other people, then it is the perfect place

But I think I'll let the pictures tell the story because I'm not feeling so eloquent right now


of course, we have to start taking pictures in the airport pa lang


Someday, that will be me. Or maybe that's just wishful thinking


Beach Bums (I don't mind being one forever)


This was our home in Boracay. Don't be fooled by the name, it's actually a really nice hotel


It wasn't romantic, but it was introspective


Posing at Puka Beach - the mostest bueatifulest place we visited


mermaids anyone?


my favorite starfish


dinner by the beach...


the standard artistic picture (aka modeling a lifevest)

sandcastle makers

i just got home from boracay an hour ago
no pictures to upload yet
stories are still getting organized in my head
but i cannot let the day pass by without saying this

boracay is truly magical. i now understand why people fall in love with it

how i wish i could stay there and make a career out of building sandcastles in the beach and just asking for donations from tourists posing in front of it

alas, the real world awaits tomorrow

of boys and beaches

i'm heading to the beach tomorrow for the first time in 8 years

yes, i know i'm a loser. but somehow, the opportunity has never arisen before or i was just too broke or too lazy to arrange something with anyone. but the curse is going to be broken tomorrow morning as the whole office flies off to boracay, hopefully without carrying a single thought of work with us

which brings back memories of the last time i was at the beach. i don't remember exactly when (sometime around 8 years ago) or where (somwhere in between baguio and manila) or what happened (except for the pictures that i have)

but i do remember the feeling of excitement that i carried with me going to the beach and then the hopelessness that i took back with me to manila

for me to tell you the story of the guy i was hopelessly in love with at that time and how he subtly and gently let me down (i refuse to say broke my heart because fortunately, it never happened)and how we have remained good friends until now because he happened to marry my high school best friend and they have a gorgeous daughter together, would require a bottle of beer and much persuasion on your part

for me to tell you the story of another guy who took those wonderful pictures of me and who happened to break my heart into a million pieces years later and how we have remained civil and sometimes a bit friendly in spite of everything that happened, would require three bottles of beer, rum coke and a little bit of persuasion on your part (if i'm not yet drunk out of my mind)

for me to tell you the story of what i was thinking when i was looking out to sea (which was when will i ever find someone i can love and who will love me in return, which unfortunately is still the question in my head every other hour of the day) would require a cup of coffee and a willing ear

and for me to tell you why i associate beaches with boys and hopeless longings, would require an analysis of hollywood movies influence on my life and a brief analysis of my psyche

here's to new memories of new beaches (and just maybe, new boys)

dazed and confused

I don't know why, but my time away from the real world (aka locking myself in a world where the television is the be all and end all) has left me feeling dazed and confused. Everything seems to be moving slowly or maybe it's me that has gone slow motion. Words that used to flow smoothly through my lips are finding themselves stuck in my throat. Everytime I try to focus on the work at hand, my brain seems to refuse to focus and instead drifts away to a place it shouldn't go to at this moment. And instead of planning where I should go to next since I've been cooped in the house for a week, I'm already drifting off to my bed and thinking of all the things I want to do on my own

It's not as if I went through something remotely life changing. It's not as if I'm depressed because I have nothing to be depressed about. It's not as if I'm at a crossroads in my life because I like where I am now

So not knowing why I am dazed and confused has left me all the more dazed and confused

Bibliophile Meme

1. One book that changed your life.
Helen Keller's autobiography. I read it once a week when I was in elementary

2. One book you have read more than once.
All Tolkien books. I've read each one more than twice

3. One book you would want on a desert island.
Time Traveler's Wife

4. One book that made you laugh.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

5. One book that made you cry.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Yes, i was schizo when I was reading it

6. One book you wish had been written.
a book about the Fourth Age in Middle Earth. Yes, I'm a geek

7. One book you wish had never been written.
Around 80% of the chick lit stuff lying around

8. One book you are currently reading.
Orphan Pamuk's Snow. I just wish I had the time to finish it

9. One book you have been meaning to read.
Margaret Atwood's Penelopiad

Tag five people for this meme. I won’t be upset if you don’t do the meme. But the meme ghost might be.

You, You, Yes You, You Again and You

the birthday blues

i think there's a built-in mechanism within me that automatically switches to "depressed" whenever a birthday draws near

i long for the days when i used to count the days to my birthday, 3 months before. when the anticipation as to what that day would bring just about killed me. it wasn't really about the gifts, but finding out who truly cared to do something special of even just greet you.

isn't it such a cliche to feel this way now? somebody, slap some sense into me please?

Hi, just call me Ed

During the four days that we stayed in Cebu, and having visited almost 10 different coffee shops, not once did the baristas get my name right.

It was always, "Coffee for Eda/Ed"

Don't get me wrong, I didn't find it annoying. I actually found it endearingly amusing

Here's to you Cebu. The next time I visit, I hope it won't be for work, but for fun. I look forward to exploring you leisurely and thoroughly (okay, that didn't sound like it did in my head. but, you get my point)

And the next time I visit, may I take real pictures instead of taking snapshots of lamppost banners for clients (hence, the picture here)

10 weird things about me

I've been tagged twice, so here goes

1. I've made it my personal mission to collect mp3s like there's no tomorrow. Right now, they occupy 70% of my 80gig laptop. And i have countless burned mp3s. And they're all arranged by artist, alphabetically and by album.

2. I am so OC about organizing events and my computer files but my room looks like a heavy metal band trashed it. But as they say, there is order in chaos

3. I have this thing about getting on escalators. I can only get on the even numbered steps. Otherwise, I lose my balance and try to grab on to the nearest thing, which usually turn out to be strangers

4. I used to hate shopping for anything girly, like clothes, shoes, make-up. I would rather buy books or cds or techie stuff. But all that is slowly changing

5. I have bags within my bag. There's the kikay bag, the techie bag, the school supplies bag and the snack bag. I feel incomplete when one bag is missing.

6. i am so paranoid about forgetting to lock bathroom doors. It's my constant fear that I forgot to lock the door and then someone will walk in and see me doing my business. And I'm also scared of opening bathroom doors for fear that the person
inside forgot to lock their door

7. I am obsessed with getting the perfect body but too lazy to do anything about it. If I spent all my energy on actually working out instead of whining and stuffing my face, maybe I'd have a bod like Beyonce already

8. I used to have notebooks of my favorite celebrities back in high school (eg. eric fructuoso and hans montenegro)and i plastered my wall with posters of edward furlong and leonardo dicaprio. And I memorized all the albums of debbie gibson. And the choreography of paula abdul's opposites attract. In other words, I am such a fangirl

9. I am an introverted extrovert. I can talk like crazy, especially after I've had a dose of caffeine. But more often than not, if I had a choice, i would rather curl up with a book or my laptop or just lie down in bed and stare at the ceiling and make movies in my head

10. I cannot eat anything that has buko or gata in it because a few minutes after I eat that, there is a revolution in my tummy. And so I miss out on a great number of Bicolano dishes and drinking fresh buko juice. Or maybe I should just say to hell with it and i might lose a few pounds along the way

i tag whoever wants to get tagged

once again, my own words fail me

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's
(My heart, it beats for you)

- My Heart, Paramore

Jane Doe #251

for the past few nights, I've lain awake in my bed, thinking about what the police/media/crime scene investigators would deduce about me by just looking at my room if one day they discovered my body lying in a pool of blood

one thing's for sure. i will never be mistaken for a neat, control freak. maybe i should start cleaning up and staging the crime scene area

this is what i get from watching too much csi

the truth of the matter is...

i keep saying i miss you
when in fact, deep down, i really don't
and i know that you feel the same way

but can we keep up the pretense for a little while longer?
it sometimes is nice to hold on to the thought that someone cares enough to pretend to miss you

Let's Pretend I'm a Famous (or even semi-famous) Rocker

Got this from Aileen who got it from here

"The A.V. Club asks its favorite rockers, writers, comics, or whatevers to set their MP3 players to shuffle and comment on the first few tracks that come up—no cheating or skipping embarrassing tracks allowed."

So, let's pretend for a moment that I am someone famous...

1. "Hoodoo" by Muse
I discovered Muse because of their very very very addictive song "Starlight". This is a very haunting song about with a great classical piano riff and i think it's about a lost love. Or missed opportunities. Or voodoo. Or death. Or all of the above. For lyrics, click here. For the song, click here

2. "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell
A song that never fails to get me all choked up. And when they used this song during Emma Thompson's "breakdown" in Love Actually, I totally lost it. Lyrics here. Music here

3. "Madder" by Groove Armada
First time I heard this song actually. Haha. But Groove Armada is one of those groups that you love, even if you don't like their particular brand of music. I actually don't know how to classify them. Lyrics, music

4. "Letting the Cables Sleep" by Bush
Bush's Manila concert way back in 1996 0r 97 was my first ever rock concert. I came for Gavin Rossdale, I stayed for the music. And a shirtless Gavin Rossdale. If I'm not mistaken, this song was for a Cafe del Mar album. I miss Bush. And Gavin Rossdale aka Mr. Gwen Stefani. Lyrics, music

5. "Missing You" - Tyler Hilton version
No matter how much you hate his character in One Tree Hill, you have to admit Tyler has this sexy husky voice going on. And his straightforward cover of the John Waite song gives me goosebumps everything. Definitely on my list of cheesy songs I love. Lyrics, music

6. "Choose the One Who Loves You More" by Copeland
This is going to be my motto! Haha. Lyrics, music

7. "Emotions" by Beegees
I am not embarrassed to admit that this is in my playlist. I would be embarrassed if I had the Destiny's Child version. Lyrics, music

8. "What a Wonderful World" - Tony Bennet and KD Lang version
Probably one of the most covered songs in the history of cheesy and feel good music. This version sounds like most of the others. But it's still a nice song to listen to when you're feeling happy and in love and the world is a wonder...well you know. Lyrics, music

9. "Hear Me Out" by Frou Frou
A song for those people who stubbornly refuse to accept it's over. Here's hoping I don't become one of those. Lyrics, music

10. "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz
I used to be "married" to this guy. Where is he now? Anyways, I could never sing this song in a karaoke bar, but I always perk up when I hear this in random places or music players. Lyrics, music

Another one bites the dust

Things I learned/realized before, during and after my friend Trixie's wedding
(Sorry Jacs, borrowed your format...)

1. Do not decide at the last minute what you're going to wear. Otherwise, you'll end up scrambling through your limited wardrobe and texting colleagues at 1 in the morning to find out what goes with a floral blue skirt. And especially when you're emceeing the reception.

2. Again, don't cram for a gift. You will end up buying stuff they probably would not need.

3. Don't agree to emcee the reception unless you really really love the person asking you to do it. It's not an easy task. And don't you always make fun/criticize emcees? Karma is a bitch.

4. Don't wear shoes that you know from previous experience makes you slip. And not when it will strike at the most inopportune times. Like when you're holding your laptop.

5. Speaking of laptops, don't volunteer your laptop to be used for playback at the reception. No matter how cool you think it is to be carrying a laptop while wearing formal wear, it is still uncomfortable, inconvenient and darn heavy, especially when you're forced to commute afterwards.

6. Stop staring at your friend's/the bride's older brother who was your first ever high school crush and stop blushing everytime he tries to talk to you. Remember, he's married with 3 kids even though he still looks darn good. And don't forget that he knows how you felt during those days when you used to write your name with his surname.

7. It's only in movies that you actually meet someone interesting and with potential at weddings. In real life, you actually don't meet anyone. And you don't want to meet anyone after you've made a fool of yourself while emceeing the reception.

8. For the nth time, don't cram when writing your script for the reception. Otherwise, please see numbers 3 and 7

9. Pat yourself on the back for actually feeling happy for your friend instead of wailing and complaining over the fact that you're not in a relationship.

10. Don't hold back your tears when you see your friend walking down the aisle or when they kiss as they're declared husband and wife or when you hug her and realize she's actually married. Otherwise, you'd end up bawling your eyes out when you get home. Less embarrassing but more painful

and because i want you to laugh at my expense

probably my best picture ever...

one of the things i love about myself is that...

it doesn't take much to make me happy

a nice paper bag
a kopi bun
a cup of coffee
a corny joke
seeing cristiano ronaldo's face when i open my laptop
hearing a great song first thing in the morning (today it's mika's love today)
an extra 10 minute nap after i hit the snooze alarm

and im a happy camper already

not really stranger than fiction

this morning as i got out of bed, i felt a bit like harold krick, the main character in stranger than fiction, one of my favorite movies

i know that i will wake up not because of my alarm clock but because of a phone call from either my boss, an officemate or a client.
i know it will take me 15 minutes before i can force myself to trudge to the bathroom and do my morning rituals.
i know i will do all my morning rituals in the same, exact order that i've been doing it for the past two months.
i know it will take me approximately 30 minutes to get dressed and put on all sorts of stuff on my hair and make-up and then another 15 minutes to choose which bag to use for today and then literally dump all my things from my previous bag.
i know that i will sit on my bed for a minute just to convince myself that i should start my five minute walk to the office.
i know that as i go down the stairs, i will be met by the not so cute dog of my landlord and that he will growl for a few seconds before recognizing that i am one of the good guys.
i know that as i reach the corner of morato i will wage an internal battle with myself whether i should buy a cup of starbucks coffee or settle for kopiroti's cheaper but not necessarily better brewed kopi.
and i know that as i take the 3 flights of stairs to my office, my day will probably be spent in front of takeshi kaneshiro (aka my laptop).

oh, and when i opened the radio this morning, the very first song that i heard was Spoon's The Way We Get By which was the song riff they used in the movie I mentioned above

it's a sign that i need to get a life. or even shake up my routine a bit

This is so cool....

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

metal from the sky

a month or so of painstaking preparation
countless sleepless nights
loss of social life (which wasn't really there to begin with, come to think of it)
loss of hair due to frustration with anal-retentive client
loss of confidence in one's abilities coupled with surprising discoveries about one's capabilities

and then after...

my personal highlight of our big event wasn't the President's arrival or the kudos offered by happy clients nor the look of tired satisfaction on my colleague's faces

it all boiled down to an unfortunate freak accident

an hour or two after the President leaves, I open a door and down came the metal plate on top of my head
elated turned into dazed and confused and in tremendous amount of pain
and to my embarrassment afterwards, everyone from the site director to the janitor was fussing over me

the plus side, after an x-ray and a CT scan, it turned out to just be a contusion. and i got a much-needed four day rest

the minus side, i was so looking forward to an after event "party" which never materialized because of the whole mess

but i really am grateful that all screws are still present inside my head. or whatever is left of them

how has it come to this

that i feel like i can't function...
that i couldn't sleep a wink...
that my mind is in constant turmoil and in a state of agitation...

all because takeshi kaneshiro (aka my laptop) crashed

hay...the problems of the computer age are too much for me to handle

another sign that i might truly be meant for the single life

i spent 80% of the weekend by myself
and i can't remember feeling this happy and content in a long time

yes you

i was just lamenting to an officemate that i think i'll try not to like a certain guy or any guy at all because it all ends up in heartache (yes, drama queen i know) when suddenly this song starts to play...

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
- Coffee, Copeland

(thanks my own personal demi-goddess for introducing me to this band)

i may declare everyday that i'm through with love
i may cry at every turn over guys that unintentionally hurt/ignore me
i may hysterically laugh at the jokes the universe continually plays on me
i may get fed up with putting myself out there and not getting anything in return
i may get nauseatingly jealous of people who have seemingly found something rare

but at the end of the day...i think i'd still be willing to wait
hurry up a bit, will you?
a girl can only wait up to a certain point without turning totally cynical

maybe i should...

stop sticking my tongue out in pictures
it makes me look high school-ish
but it seems to darts out automatically when a camera is pointed at me

life is like itunes' party shuffle

...you have no control over what you're gonna get next


Oh all the days
That I have run
I sought to lose that cloud that's blacking out the sun
My train will come
Some one day soon
And when it comes I'll ride it bound from night to noon
- Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well, Mike Doughty


the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide
- lightning crashes, live


That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
- That It Would Be Good, Alanis Morisette


It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain
- Life is Wonderful, Jason Mraz


Now the skies could fall
Not even if my boss should call
The world it seems so very small
'Cause nothing even matters at all
- Nothing Even Matters, Lauryn Hill


Childlike no on understand
Jack knife in your sweaty hands
Some kind of innocence is
measured out in years
You don't know what it's like
to listen to you fears
- Hey Bulldog, The Beatles

make a wish

i wish you could transport yourself here and have 10 cups of coffee with me till we're too high to find the exit door because we're too busy dancing and giggling about the silliest things. i miss those days

i wish i had the ability to have only 3 hours of sleep but still look gorgeous and refreshed the next morning. But then even when I had 8 hours of sleep I still wasn't that so go figure

I wish I had enough money to decorate the little space in morato i call home. It doesnt feel like home to me because of all the furniture that's there that i didnt choose but comes with the package. The oversized armoire, the creaky bed, the humid air, those arent very conducive to reading a book, doing a handicraft or sort or even just staring off into space

i wish i could sit for an hour or two with bono and just pick his brain. and then afterwards he would grab his guitar and sing "walk on" to me while tears silently trickle down my cheek. a hallmark emo moment

i wish i would stop falling for guys who look my way but see an empty space or guys who love to look at pretty girls or guys who are emotionally unavailable or guys who seem nice but will eventually turn out to be jerks. Okay, i've already ruled out 60% of the male population, and 35% have a different preference. So good luck to me!

i wish i didnt disappoint you. you put me on a pedestal and now that you think i've fallen, you just can't hide your dismay and hurt huh? But you know what would make you cry even more? I love my life now. It's not perfect but it's a path that i've chosen on my own. Is it a tall order to tell you not to feel sad for me?

i wish i didn't have to deal with anal-retentive clients. it definitely takes out the fun in doing events. i dont mind the late nights, the cramming, the thousand details, as long as i dont have someone breathing down my neck

i wish i could sit in one corner the whole day and just finish 2-3 books that are supposed to be read but are now gathering dust and sitting forlornly on my bedstand

how about you? what do you wish for at this very moment?

cholesterol rocks!!!

i could whine on and on about anal-retentive corporation communication men and careless mistakes i've been making because of too much pressure from aforementioned men who are too busy covering their asses rather than trying to do a good job

but what i wanna say is...

tapa queen is positively sublime

thank you, o inventors of greasy and spicy food
you just made life a little more bearable

crush of the moment

"Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore"
- Starlight, Muse

Have you ever had a crush on a song? Whenever you hear it, you get all tingly inside, and not because you associate it with a certain someone. You long to hear it on the radio, even though you've got it always stored on your phone. And even though the vocalist isn't a gorgeous specimen, suddenly he seems incredibly attractive.

That's how I feel about this song

Now I don't know if it's a sign of desperation that I'm having crushes on songs...

i wish i could jump gracefully

but as it is, my jumping pictures are awkward and silly
but id rather jump with abandon
try it, it's therapeutic

i want hat!!!

it's amazing sometimes how single-minded children can be. when they really want something, they would ask for it continuously, regardless if they really need it or if they have any use for it

saturday afternoon was spent on a taxi ride with a little girl in the backseat endlessly begging for a hat that wasn't even cute to begin with. and as much as the little girl was witty, adorable and heartbreakingly aching for that stupid hat, her mom (my colleague) was adamant about not giving in to her demand because she knows it will just be a waste of money. she sulked, she pleaded, she shed crocodile tears, all to no avail. we tried to pacify her by making jokes of officemates' names, which to us was utterly hilarious, but to no avail. all she could say over and over was "I WANT HAT!"

which got me thinking, we never really get over that, as much as we'd like to think we've matured since that selfish phase. we still insist on demanding things from the universe even though every sign has pointed to us not getting them anytime soon. or we stubbornly hold on to hopes and dreams that we actually don't need or we know aren't good for us

and i know there are reasons why i haven't been granted every whim and fancy that i've desired. and maybe it will take me a lifetime to understand every one of those reasons. and i will continue sulking and pleading and crying supposedly real tears, until i finally learn my lesson, until the next tantrum

and our saturday ended with the little girl not getting what she wanted but thoroughly enjoying herself by the poolside of the intercon. there's a lesson there somwhere, i just have to figure it out

resolution # 423

"i think i've let myself make a fool of myself long enough
so as of today, february 8, 2007, 11:32PM, i am reverting back to the cynical, hopeless unromantic persona and veering away from the lovestruck, lovesick and foolish high school girl ghost that seemed to have temporarily taken over my body the past few weeks"

as i stand on the balcony and stare at that freakishly large moon that just begs to be looked at and i see the wisps of smoke obscure my already teary eyes, this is the resolution that i have come up with. i don't want to be reduced to one of those women that i used to look at with a mixture of pity and disdain

so i am putting my foot down on myself and hoping that this becomes one resolution i stick with

he asks, she says (but not really)

he asks: what's up
she says: (flippantly) the sky
what she wanted to say: you look very cute today. but of course you know that. i'm beginning to think you deliberately choose to look cute to torture me. but hey, what can i do?

he asks: are you ok?
she says: of course!
what she wanted to say : do i look like i'm okay? well, i try to pretend i am but somehow because im such a crybaby, obviously, you see that i'm not okay. im trying hard to be okay, but obviously, it isnt working. and lest your ego gets boosted to the highest heavens, you are just part of the reason im not okay, not the entire reason. but no, i'm not okay

he asks: can you help me with something
she says: it depends
what she wanted to say: i am this close to saying yes to almost anything. but that....don't you know what that is doing to me? do you have any idea how painful a proverbial knife to the heart is? at times i even feel this physical pain everytime the thought of you and....

he asks: (silence)
she says: are you ok? what's wrong
what she wanted to say: (or do) awww...you want a hug?

while my guitar gently screeches

I have to admit, I'm a frustrated rocker chick. Yes, I know that I can sing, but my voice isn't something that can knock someone's socks off. Yes, I do know a few chords or two but my playing is mediocre at best (and my wittle fingers can't make bars). And the songs that I wrote back in the days when I was brave enough to write now make me want to vomit.

But that doesn't stop me from fantasizing that I regularly play in a dark, dank and smoky bar, singing and playing my guitar out, releasing all the pent-up female angst that had been bubbling inside me. In my fantasies, I sing like Dido, look like Katie Holmes and I always get the guy, whether he be the bad-ass drummer or the emotionally untouchable record executive. And yes, I am extremely popular and filthy rich but I still prefer to play in those random bars because I don't want to lose my artistic sensibility and sell out to those bubblegum pop alternative machines. (it sometimes scares me that my "imagined life" is more vivid than the real one that i'm living in)

I know I would probably never have my own album or even record a song, because, after all, that isn't my real goal in life. I am happy with the way my life is turning out and i wouldnt want to have it suddenly and magically turn into a rock star life because i dont think i would be able to handle that (among other things). But I do have one goal that I plan to fulfill this year: to be able to perform somwhere, i dont care where or how, singing and playing the guitar at the same time. I've done both individually, but never at the same time, because I easily get flustered.

So I guess I have to learn more songs other than my trio of songs that I've already semi-mastered that drove people crazy when we were in Tagaytay. You can only listen to Linger, Oo and Stranded over and over again for so long

Until then, I'd just have to be content with a preemptive album cover...

That's why I hate surprises

Sometimes u need to be caught off guard to know the true extent of your feelings. You may not always like what you see. Honesty can be an ugly and cruel taskmaster. But at least you are now aware of what you really feel beyond what you allowed yourself to feel. And as I always like to say, I would rather have my illusions shattered in one blow than to prolong the agony of living under delusions.

I think the tougher question is,what do you do now that you know? Where do you go from here?

I'll let you know if I ever get the answers
And hopefully, this is the last thing I will say on this subject

no other way except up

how bad was my week, let me count the ways

1. i moved on my own. okay, this was supposedly good news because i have now officially become an independent adult. but going up and down 10 flights of stairs with your gazillion things with only your company driver to accompany you is no joke. and then learning that the said driver got sick for two days only worsened the feeling

2. and said gazillion things have still not been unpacked. why, you may ask? sheer laziness and lack of enthusiasm. plus i have this magical ability to know exactly where my things are in that mess, so my mind is kinda telling me, there's no hurry to unpack

3. i may have damaged a few relationships along the way because of stupidity, recklessness and utter lack of responsibility towards people i have come to regard as family. and i am too embarrassed to even attempt to mend them

4. i got locked out of my house the other night and had to spend the night alone at the office. again, stupidity is the cause. maybe i've been having such a bad week because my stupid gene is acting up again

5. all that confidence in myself that i've developed for the past few months have temporarily (i hope) gone on vacation. i feel awkward, unworthy, unpretty, stupid (there's the word again) and momentarily lost. or it may just be that time of the month

6. "but i'm in too deep. you know i'm such a fool for you. you got me wrapped around your finger...." - please don't let this be my song (note to self)


so my goal for next week is: STOP WHINING
as i told a friend a few nights ago, when you're this down, tomorrow definitely has to be better cause you can't go any other way except up

i'm heading off to tagaytay in a few hours and even though this is a company mandated planning, i sure am happy just to get out of manila for a few days and maybe, just maybe, i might find my mojo and juju back

the post-quarter life emo-ish rant

how to explain how i feel right now? forgive the mind vomit...

i feel like i cut off my arm to stop my hand from hurting

i feel the old festering wounds threatening to spit up like vomit and i can't do anything to stop it except to swallow it, therefore leaving this acidic, bitter taste in my mouth

i feel ashamed of all my shortcomings and letting down the people i have come to love and cherish but are now part of this book that i desperately want to close because i am afraid of turning the next page and seeing the list of all my transgressions

i feel like i am slowly achieving my dream but the elation is mixed with the guilt because in order to get there i would have to sacrifice some things i've never thought of giving up before

i feel this unbearable urge to act upon an unspoken attraction that i know will lead me to heartache down the road

i feel this need to go cold turkey on cutting them off from my life because if i know they're still there, all this confusion and turmoil inside me will go unresolved because i will still always rely on them even though i sometimes feel they're too far away in their own worlds for me to reach

i feel like the things i believed in strongly before are now held by a very weak thread and i am afraid to examine them closely because if they finally break, i would not know how to deal with the broken pieces

i feel like shutting my ears because i know the things i will hear are probably right but i am also afraid that they will finally sound empty to me and i just can't handle that

so yes, that is me, the big ball of energy, confusion and emotion that is now craving for things that are practically out of my reach

so ends the vomitting

today

i officially became an adult because i moved to a new house all by myself

i am even more smitten and feeling like a high school girl going all giggly

is the first time that i don't have much work on my plate and that scares the heck out of me

is the first time i left the house without any earrings and bracelets and i feel a bit naked

i've decided to let go of a lot of things to make room for other things that previously did not have space because of too much clutter, physically and metaphorically speaking

i am, once again, seriously starting my diet (until the next time i decide to, once again, throw caution to the wind)

is the day when i wanted to post but had nothing intelligent to say, hence this post

extremely beautiful and incredibly sad

If you saw a girl in the mrt last Sunday,with tears streaming down her face while reading a chocolate stained book while holdng a tupperware of strawberries and coffee beans,yes that was me.

and what got me bawling my eyes out was a book called extremely loud and incredibly close. as a friend said, what will tug at your heart is not just what was said but even moe so, what was left unsaid. and i also cry because i am amazed at how the writer captured pain, grief, and loss in such a beautiful way

i still have a few chapters to go, but already i am highly recommending this book. i am willing to lend it to you, chocolate stains and all...

what's been keeping me up again

(image by Jen and words by Stef)

DELL Rocks Eastwood City


On Jan. 25-27 from 6-9 p.m., Dell’s newest Contact Center takes Eastwood City by storm with a series of concerts featuring three of the hottest local bands today—Up Dharma Down, Orange and Lemons, and Rivermaya. The concerts coincide with DELL’s recruitment efforts as they expand their operations in the Philippines with a second site in Eastwood City’s cyber/commercial complex (their first center is in Mall of Asia).

Dell has been placing high value on making computers accessible to customers around the world—including businesses, institutional organizations and individuals—for more than two decades. Because of Dell’s direct model, technology is more accessible and affordable. With more than 75,000 employees worldwide, Dell operates in more than 50 countries. This global reach means that Dell’s direct approach is relevant across the board—all product lines, regions and customer segments.

Don’t mistake Dell’s Customer Contact Centers for call centers. Dell has a penchant for finding the best talent in the customer support industry. It offers vast career growth opportunities for its employees and a chance to make a real difference to themselves and to the world. It’s called the Total Value of working at Dell.

Interested applicants are encouraged to bring their resumes to one of the recruitment booths around the Eastwood Center Plaza during the concert. You can rock out to the music of Up Dharma Down, Orange and Lemons and Rivermaya while you’re at it, too.

commuter's tirade

i hate hate hate hate commuting
not that I'm a rich bitch who doesn't want to get dirty by sitting next to a sweaty man on the jeepney
it's just that i hate being stressed and harassed even before i get to start my work day
i dont think i even need to tell you that Filipino jeepney drivers are absolutely crazy (okay, hasty generalization, sorry). they swerve at the most inopportune times, they talk to fellow jeepney drivers in the middle of the street, they probably need to use motolite break fluid or something and they contribute like 80% to Manila's pollution. and dont even get me started on riding the MRT during rush hours...

i leave the house all poised and freshly washed and with a wide smile to greet the morning. But by the time i'm halfway through my commute, i feel awkward, sweaty and have a wide frown to greet the onslaught of fellow commuters trekking on the same road i am. Okay, it is partly my fault too because usually you will find me with 2-3 bags or one big, inconvenient bag and that really makes commuting even more difficult

So it is with great anticipation that I'm looking forward to not commuting anymore. No, i am not getting a car or deciding to waste my salary away by taking a taxi everyday. I have blessedly found a boarding house that is 10 houses away from my office. So aside from getting a bit of exercise everyday and saving up on commuting fare, i get to arrive at the office poised, freshly washed and with a sleepy smile on my face because i just got up a few minutes ago

The downside? Now i cant blame the perils of commuting for being late

now if only life was really a movie...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

a great way to start the week

i got locked in our bathroom for an hour this morning
put it down to one of those "what the crap was i thinking?" moments

it's already been clearly established by my housemates that our bathroom door is broken. and i was clearly warned not to lock that door, lest i get locked inside

but sure enough, as i sleepily trudged to the bathroom early this morning, i heard the inevitable click of the door and it slowly dawned on me that i was locked in, at 530 in the morning, and with one housemate away in Negros, and one away in dreamland.

if this had happened to me months ago, i would have just sat on the bowl and bawled my eyes out, then waited for my housemate to eventually wake up at around 7am

but this time around, i resolved to solve this stupid problem on my own. and true enough, the adage "kung di mo makuha sa santong dasalan, kunin sa santong pwersahan" (or something like that) proved true

it might not be a big deal for you, but for me it is a breakthrough

coffee coffee coffee

if you open up my body at this very moment, you would probably see, smell and feel caffeine running through my veins

coffee used to be a recreational activity for me. but now my brain has been re-wired to associate coffee with business meetings, working on my laptop, trying to find a coffee shop with free wifi

coffee used to be for having quiet but crazy conversations with friends or a contemplative "me" time or just simply basking in the addictive aroma and heady feeling that coffee gives me

im not complaining, because i would take coffee whatever way i can

but i do miss just staring off into space while sipping on a frapuccino. or reading a book while i let my cappuccino get cold. or marathon gab session with friends who dont know the meaning of segue while constantly getting brewed coffee refills

so the first chance i get, il spend the whole day just doing all of that. so are you up for a cup?

2006 is the year when...

...i finally learned to eat with chopsticks

...i became sure that i will forever be an alterna-rock girl, even when i cannot hear anymore

...i took a look at some of the things i always believed in and realized that i need to re-examine them because i dont know why i believed them in the first place

...i played "chasing cars" like crazy

...i finally came back to the career i tried to escape and now im truly fulfilled and satisfied

...a dream almost came true, until i came crashing down to earth painfully

...i got addicted to even more shows (battlestar galactica, heroes, jericho, how i met your mother, without a trace, arrested development, the office)

...i fell in crush with a guy who knows i exist but doesnt look my way and surprisingly, it's perfectly fine with me

...the photo op gods were good to me (steven curtis chapman, chris botti, joel houston)

...the odd wheel syndrome really got to me

...christmas and new year were spent eating take out food and being perfectly happy about it

here's to a great new year!!!

hibernation is...

lounging around the house, doing nothing but eat Christmas leftover food, reading cheesy crime/love story novels and doing massive marathons of crime procedural shows (Without a Trace, CSI and an occasional Buffy)

and then on the last few days of hibernation, panicking because you realize you've done nothing productive at all

what a great way to start the year!

happy holidays everyone!

blues clues

We're all as lonely as we wanted to be
- People Watching, Jack Johnson

"Loneliness is cooking for five people and then eating alone"
- me, crying over beef with brocolli a few nights ago

I don't know why December brings out the depression in people. It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. But because of our beauty/love/gift obsessed society, people who have none of the above tend to sing the blues instead of the hallelujahs.

Even I, the eternal cynical optimist (if there is such a thing) tend to drop a few tears when this time of the year comes around. And it depresses me when I feel depressed because I should know better than to listen to those stupid voices in my head that tell me I'm all alone. Hello, I have a God who showers me with grace and love, a family who loves me, friends who will be there for me if i need them, a job that i love, a roof over my head, etc etc etc. Why the heck should I feel sad just because I have no shopping money (due to laptop payments), i'm always an odd wheel (it's not their fault they're in love) or that the guy i like barely knows i'm alive (okay, that sounds too high school-ish) or because it is cool to be melancholic this time of the year

I'm a Christmas gal. I love the lights that line the street, the songs that make you sigh or bob your head or both. I go gaga over puto bumbong and bibingka. I sniff the Christmas air like it's a drug (but only till i realize that it's actually pollution im smelling, underneath that air). I think Christmas is wonderful. It's a reminder of just how much God loves us.

That is why I am convincing myself (and you too, if you are in the same funk) to snap out of this, because it is not doing me any good. Wouldnt you rather be happy and content than pining away for things that are out of your reach. Yes, easier said than done. But, it is still a choice (unless you're suffering from something clinical or psychological, then i suggest you get help) to be lonely or to be happy

And yes it sounds cliched and trite, but I will choose joy over everything else. Otherwise, it's all useless

dream list

it's that time of the year...

patience for slow and incompetent people. not everyone is perfect. and that definitely includes me

a full dental work-up so my chipped front tooth can finally be fixed (which was a result of a ghastly encounter with the stairs and the floor six years ago)

discipline and determination to go on a real diet and exercise program

different colored ballpens and post-its

confidence to talk to people i barely know and courage to talk to the people i do know who tend to dominate conversations

neil gaiman's fragile things

U2 on U2

a short, harmless fling

a best friend who's not married and who's not in japan

to be able to spend more time with my family

the ability to clean the house thoroughly

a cutesy laptop bag or envelope

a moleskin notebook

passion to fall in love with my God all over again

sitting in front of myself

I may not have gone where I intended to go,
but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -- Douglas Adams

For the past few weeks, Plaza San Ignacio in Intramuros has been my 3rd home away from home (next to my apartment and the office) because of an event i have there (which reminds me, i havent written about that event here...hmmmm)

But last Saturday afternoon, was the first time that I've been able to just sit there and not do any work, to just stare at the surroundings that is just overflowing with history and untold stories

I felt like I was in a different place, reading a book and sitting in front of a statue of a girl reading a book, feeling the rain drizzling on my face, hearing the horses' hooves as they passed behind me, pausing every once in a while to look at the ruins and wonder at what actually happened inside them hundreds of years ago

And I wonder, a few hundred years ago, who was sitting or standing in this exact spot and what he/she was thinking. Was he a Spaniard, wondering at the fates that brought him to this "godforsaken island"? Was he an Illustrado, trying to hold back tears at the thought of leaving these islands for a better life in another country? Was he an Indio, thinking about where his next meal will be coming from? (Come to think of it, even today, these exact internal dialogues could still be happening with the different people who pass by here)

This is what I love with hanging out in places that are outside buildings or anything airconditioned. You get to indulge the dreamer in you, the writer that has long since been dormant and is struggling to get out. Or you can just have temporary, momentary peace that has eluded you for a long time. And in that mental snapshot of that moment, at least everything looks dreamy or hopeful or whatever you want it to be.

And I am brought back to earth when the rain finally shows its full might after teasing me with a few measly drops. The mood has been broken, I shouldve taken shelter. But as I cinematically lift my face up to the sky, I say, I'm okay where I am right now, with the rain and all

And then I wonder if someone in the future will stand at that same spot and feel the ghost of the girl reading a book in front of the statue of the girl reading a book

top 7 reasons why i can't have children yet

don't get me wrong, i love kids and babies. but when it comes to having one of my own...that's another matter altogether.

1. i am still too selfish. i would rather watch my favorite tv show than take care of a crying, squealing baby.

2. when i take care of other people's kids, i can always give them back when they start crying. but when it's my own, then i cant pass them off to other people. and i have no idea how to make a crying baby stop.

3. i dont know how to wrap gifts or to put plastic covers on books and notebooks. and im too lazy to learn

4. i havent been able to save money in the bank. not even a peso. and we all know that babies need a lot of money even if they dont have the vaguest concept of what money is

5. i dont know how to discipline. when a kid demands something from me, i immediately give in because i hate seeing them throw tantrums or cry or be mad at me for any reason. and i sometimes bribe kids into liking me.

6. i'm still very much a kid myself

7. i have such a low threshold for pain. childbirth scares the heck out of me. so there

anywhere but here

it's been a while since i've played this game, since ive been thoroughly happy and satisfied with the way my life has been going lately. and i still am happy. i feel like this is where i belong

but there are days, when you have a pounding headache, when your body seems to be rebelling against you, when no matter how little you eat you cant seem to fit into your old jeans, when you're getting frustrated with love (or the lack of), when people keep saying your event is interesting and that they will go but no one seems to be actually going, when you just want to curl up with your music and your tv shows and your books in a cozy room somwhere in baguio

yes, it's one of those days

so...anywhere but here

i want to sit in a cafe in italy, sip three shots of espresso, quietly read a book that will cause the people around me to look at me and say, hmmm, she seems interesting

i want to walk along the cobbled streets of greece and go to the ancient ruined temples and listen to the echoes of long ago

i want to walk down the streets of new york, walking slowly, drinking in all the sights, not minding the people who are hurriedly walking past me, cursing me for walking slowly. i wanna stare at that bright monstrosity of a tree at rockefeller center

i want to swim in the blue waters of palawan, never mind that the water might be freezing. i want to bury my feet in the sand and watch pretty girls and gorgeous men as they walk by. but i will not wear a bikini. at least not yet

i want to browse through all the booksales in the greater manila area. and have enough money to buy a book from each

i want to drink a big chill strawberry kiwi fruit shake

i want too much. sigh

random thought for today

sometimes i wish i could fall in love (and get my heart broken eventually) if only to totally relate to the emo-ish alterna-love songs that i always listen to

two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
sing me a rainbow it’s sunny again
swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
could I keep dreaming for a little while longer

when you’re searching your soul
when you’re searching for pleasure
how often, pain is all you find
but when you’re coasting along and nobody’s trying too hard
you can turn around and like where you are

- when im thinking about you, the sundays

just because

because of a gazillion doses of bioflu and tuseran (burning questions: why do cough syrups have to taste so vile? and why the heck do some people get addicted to it?) i feel like i'm floating somewhere in space looking down at me forcing myself to work

because of an intense buffy (gads, how i miss this show) and battlestar galactica (people, please start watching!) marathon, i am now so tempted to cancel all other appointments and just stay at home and watch all night, a throwback to my tv addiction days. hi i'm ida and i'm a tv-holic

because klite 103.5 is going off-air by dec 15, i have now decided to forsake radio and just stick to my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player and i dont mind waiting in line or going on long commutes as long as my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player has life

because i was not able to go to baguio this weekend and people forgot to bring me pasalubong (okay, i forgot that guys are incapable of doing thoughtful things for people other than their girlfriends), i am now craving for any strawberry-ish food, but i know it's bad for my diet, so im feeling a bit cranky

because i still feel groggy, i am not capable of producing profound and insightful words and so you are stuck with reading these random thoughts for i feel bad looking at my blog and seeing that my last entry is november 29

because i woke up to this song this morning, this is my lss (can you guess the song?)

Ive willed, Ive walked, Ive read
Ive talked, I know, I know,
Ive been here before

a new lease on life

faith amidst doubt
obedience amidst temptation
peace and joy beyond circumstances
grace amidst guilt
love above all else

hi, i'm ida and i'm a klutz

it still amazes me sometimes that i am such a klutz
just last week, i sported three bandaids on my fingers because of numerous paper cuts
and my day isn't complete without a daily tripping on one or more steps of our three story house (i swear, i might actually really hurt myself one of these days)
and just yesterday, i almost decapitated a finger with our can opener and then later on, with the filing cabinet

i can blame tripping and falling on my inner ear infection, but what about the other "accidents"? i guess i really have to accept the reality that i will never be a model or a graceful dancer (aside from the fact that even if i had perfect balance, i still wouldnt be able to make a career with both)

but i guess i kinda like my klutziness, because i am constantly reminded of how imperfect i really am. which is not such a bad thing really. i would never be overconfident and even if i am, i will be brought crashing back to earth (literally)

and i dont mind being a constant source of amusement from the people around me, even the people i dont know. because when you are sprawled on the pavement, the only thing you can do is laugh because crying will not do you any good, really

so the next time you see me holding on to the escalator for dear life, or you see me with my skirt stuck in the door, don't worry, you can laugh along. i just wish you would help me first

an epiphany on a day that started out way too early

just when you think your body and brain cannot take it anymore and are already overloading with the gazillion things you have to do and think about, you realize that you still have the strength to push yourself a little more. and realizing that that strength is not your own is a very comforting thought and gives rest amidst everything

at this very moment, i can truly say that He is my strength

you dont need to apologize

me: I'm sorry I'm too short
Joel : No, I'm sorry I'm too tall

More on this later...I still can't find the words to describe it




me and Joel Houston from Hillsong United

stop stepping on me

i dont know what is it about me that makes people step on my toes all the time
and i dont mean that figuratively. i mean, literally step on my dainty feet!

for the past two days only, i got stepped on five times. and it's not just the normal, step on a pinky toe kind of pain. it's the "he's wearing leather shoes and weighs more than a hundred pounds and steps on my foot for five seconds" kind of agony. and it keeps happening wherever i go. on escalators, in jeepneys, in elevators, in the office, etc etc etc

and no matter how many times they say sorry, it doesnt minimize the pain unintentionally and unknowingly inflicted on me

oh wait, im still talking about my feet right?

Try Again by Keane

I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow

Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting

God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

whoever you think you are

there are things that are better left unsaid in person but should be said out loud whether in your head or in writing

so here goes...

i thank you for making me feel something i havent felt in a long time. a lot of people were telling me to stop feeling that way because it would end up in heartache. i could've listened to them and just put a wall between you and me. but, foolishly perhaps, i chose to risk a bit of pride and emotion and discovered the wonderful person you are and the man you are trying to become.

there were moments when i was so tempted to drop not-so-subtle hints but i restrained myself because i wouldnt know what to do anyways if you picked up on those hints and decided to do something

and im so thankful that you never did anything that would have caused me to misconstrue your intentions or lead me down a path that i also would have not known where to go. i shouldve been peeved that you didnt flirt or dropped pick-up lines but somehow wounded egos didnt figure into this equation

i think this is the first time ever that unrequited like/love did not end up in heartbreak. i never shed a single tear over you during this time, and if you really know me and my history, you would really be surprised. this doesnt mean that my feelings weren't that deep to begin with. i cant even explain to myself what i exactly feel, but i do know that a few weeks in, it went past the line of infatuation

but for now, i think i've decided to step back and rethink what i really want with my life, in terms of "boys" and relationships. and that means stop considering the possibilities, stop thinking about you constantly (and lately, it's been surprisingly possible) and to just look at you as a friend and not "the one". you didnt do anything wrong, i still think you're wonderful and amazing, and i guess that will never change

i guess what im trying to say here is, thank you, even though im pretty sure you dont know who you are and how you've "helped" me discover things about myself, even though you dont know you were actually helping

so there, ive said it. as that guy in love actually says after he declares his feelings for keira knightley through idiot boards, "enough. that's enough"

saturday afternoon blues

i've been playing "anywhere but here" in my mind lately, but still i end up in a place that is too "here". even my imagination has become boring

first thought that popped into my head

when i suddenly woke up after a two hour nap while sitting at the office conference table at 5AM on a sunday morning:

"Crap, I didn't bring a toothbrush! How can I ride a jeep home?"

Hygiene, not the fact that i just spent the night in the office, alone, is the foremost thing in my mind. Go figure

this is what's been keeping me up late at night

for more information, please click HERE

wake up songs

for the past week, i've been keeping track of the first songs that i hear when i woke up and
trying to figure out if they, in any way, affects my life, or even the rest of my day. let's

see...

MONDAY - John Mayer's Waiting for the World to Change
it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

should we just stand idly by and wait for a monumental shift in the world's paradigm so that
we can finally do the ideal things that we've always wanted to do? If so, I think the battle
has already been lost. I think I would just go ahead and do what I think is right and then
just wait for the world to catch up with me


TUESDAY – Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I’ve missed having someone to say this to. Well, truth be told, I’ve never felt this way
about anyone. I’ve never had that overwhelming feeling for someone that would make me just
want to give everything up and be with that person. And honestly, I don’t think I should
have that ever because love shouldn’t be that selfish right? Well, a few moments of
“disappearing” from the world should suffice.

WEDNESDAY – 311’s Amber
You ought to know what brings me here
You glide through my head blind to fear
And I know why
Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
Whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

I should have been afraid because I know this was never going to lead to anything. I didn’t
exactly throw caution to the wind, but for once, I did allow myself to like someone without
any expectations whatsoever. And it was nice, because it’s always nice to slowly discover
the facets of an amazing person. And even though the things I’ve been “allowed” to see
barely scratches the surface of a complicated persona, I will be patient and wait for it to
crack. And again, no expectations. I just hope I’m not just deluding myself

THURSDAY – Michael Stipe’s In The Sun
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

Hmmm…nothing comes to mind. Except that I haven’t had nightmares in a long time and that’s a relief. Haha. Moving on…

FRIDAY – The Calling’s Adrienne
Oh, Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, Used me up

This is such a fun song to sing, especially when you’re full of bitterness and angst over an
ex. Which I am not, thank God. I’m glad that by God’s grace, I have this amazing ability to
bounce back emotionally and not to have this bitter taste in my mouth. It’s a superhero-type
ability, I swear. But still, this is such a fun song to sing!

laughing at the planets

retrograde - Of or relating to the brief, regularly occurring, apparently backward movement of a planetary body in its orbit as viewed against the fixed stars, caused by the differing orbital velocities of Earth and the body observed

my former boss firmly believes that during the retrograde period, a lot of things go wrong, particularly when it comes to all forms of communication. while i do not believe in stuff like that, my day yesterday was a study in murphy's law. from forgetting to turn off the rice cooker at the apartment, to forgetting to bring the directions to the interview we were going to, to discovering that the 1500+ database that i got is practically useless and other small stuff that if you put together adds up to one absolutely crazy day

and how do you deal with a day like that? do i cry my eyes out? do i bitch and moan? do i consider jumping off a 3 story building just to injure myself and earn myself a relaxing day at the hospital?

i laugh like crazy

it's a solution that has worked for me the past weeks. whenever i get pressured, i laugh at the silliest things, from ancient jokes (what do you get when beth tamayo marries kenny loggins) to inane comments that turn into full-blown laughing fits (green peace = green peas) to just laughing at the stupid and foolish mistakes that you've been making the whole day

laughter takes the edge off. it doesnt correct your mistakes but it gives you a fresh perspective on your limitations as a human being. and weirdly enough, laughing at my boo-boos makes me want to strive better the next time. and laughing somehow gives me a sense of hope that tomorrow is a new day and things can get better

so yes, laughter really is the best medicine. well, at least in my case. try it, maybe it will work for you too

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

bridges that need to be crossed

yesterday, i unexpectedly crossed a bridge that surprisingly was easy to cross

i'm not a particularly brave person, literally and emotionally. just like every other person, i would rather run away from something, escape into a reality that is more comfortable and pleasing, and just put that something in a box and open it only when everything is fine and dandy

risk is not in my vocabulary

but for the past few months, i feel that i have suddenly gone into territories that would have scared the heck out of me last year. i've suddenly taken on challenges that i swore i would never go back to. i've even risked a bit of my heart for something that i know wouldnt amount to something that would last forever. i've started to see myself differently from what i've been used to. and i'm slowly allowing myself to dream of things that i've previously labeled unattainable

in other words, i'm trying to be a "brave little toaster"

i cannot yet put into words what i felt yesterday, upon being gently confronted by something that i've come to deal with surprisingly well. as hugh grant put it, it was "surreal but nice". but this i know, i am glad that i am slowly evolving into a person that would face things head on instead of running. it involves more tears and heartbreak along the way, but i know that i will come out a better person because of it, and hopefully others would too

there are still a lot of monsters i'd rather lock in the drawer than confront, but i think it will get easier, one dementor at a time. and knowing that i dont even have to conquer these things on my own, because someone else has won the battle for me, is truly a comfort in moments when i feel like i'm losing it

so i will sleep tight tonight knowing that one ghost has been purged and laid to rest. on to the next ones.