the post-quarter life emo-ish rant

how to explain how i feel right now? forgive the mind vomit...

i feel like i cut off my arm to stop my hand from hurting

i feel the old festering wounds threatening to spit up like vomit and i can't do anything to stop it except to swallow it, therefore leaving this acidic, bitter taste in my mouth

i feel ashamed of all my shortcomings and letting down the people i have come to love and cherish but are now part of this book that i desperately want to close because i am afraid of turning the next page and seeing the list of all my transgressions

i feel like i am slowly achieving my dream but the elation is mixed with the guilt because in order to get there i would have to sacrifice some things i've never thought of giving up before

i feel this unbearable urge to act upon an unspoken attraction that i know will lead me to heartache down the road

i feel this need to go cold turkey on cutting them off from my life because if i know they're still there, all this confusion and turmoil inside me will go unresolved because i will still always rely on them even though i sometimes feel they're too far away in their own worlds for me to reach

i feel like the things i believed in strongly before are now held by a very weak thread and i am afraid to examine them closely because if they finally break, i would not know how to deal with the broken pieces

i feel like shutting my ears because i know the things i will hear are probably right but i am also afraid that they will finally sound empty to me and i just can't handle that

so yes, that is me, the big ball of energy, confusion and emotion that is now craving for things that are practically out of my reach

so ends the vomitting