yes you

i was just lamenting to an officemate that i think i'll try not to like a certain guy or any guy at all because it all ends up in heartache (yes, drama queen i know) when suddenly this song starts to play...

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
- Coffee, Copeland

(thanks my own personal demi-goddess for introducing me to this band)

i may declare everyday that i'm through with love
i may cry at every turn over guys that unintentionally hurt/ignore me
i may hysterically laugh at the jokes the universe continually plays on me
i may get fed up with putting myself out there and not getting anything in return
i may get nauseatingly jealous of people who have seemingly found something rare

but at the end of the day...i think i'd still be willing to wait
hurry up a bit, will you?
a girl can only wait up to a certain point without turning totally cynical

maybe i should...

stop sticking my tongue out in pictures
it makes me look high school-ish
but it seems to darts out automatically when a camera is pointed at me

life is like itunes' party shuffle

...you have no control over what you're gonna get next


Oh all the days
That I have run
I sought to lose that cloud that's blacking out the sun
My train will come
Some one day soon
And when it comes I'll ride it bound from night to noon
- Looking at the World from the Bottom of a Well, Mike Doughty


the angel opens her eyes
pale blue colored iris,
presents the circle
and puts the glory out to hide
- lightning crashes, live


That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
- That It Would Be Good, Alanis Morisette


It takes some silence to make sound
It takes a loss before you found it
And it takes a road to go nowhere
It takes a toll to make you care
It takes a hole to make a mountain
- Life is Wonderful, Jason Mraz


Now the skies could fall
Not even if my boss should call
The world it seems so very small
'Cause nothing even matters at all
- Nothing Even Matters, Lauryn Hill


Childlike no on understand
Jack knife in your sweaty hands
Some kind of innocence is
measured out in years
You don't know what it's like
to listen to you fears
- Hey Bulldog, The Beatles

make a wish

i wish you could transport yourself here and have 10 cups of coffee with me till we're too high to find the exit door because we're too busy dancing and giggling about the silliest things. i miss those days

i wish i had the ability to have only 3 hours of sleep but still look gorgeous and refreshed the next morning. But then even when I had 8 hours of sleep I still wasn't that so go figure

I wish I had enough money to decorate the little space in morato i call home. It doesnt feel like home to me because of all the furniture that's there that i didnt choose but comes with the package. The oversized armoire, the creaky bed, the humid air, those arent very conducive to reading a book, doing a handicraft or sort or even just staring off into space

i wish i could sit for an hour or two with bono and just pick his brain. and then afterwards he would grab his guitar and sing "walk on" to me while tears silently trickle down my cheek. a hallmark emo moment

i wish i would stop falling for guys who look my way but see an empty space or guys who love to look at pretty girls or guys who are emotionally unavailable or guys who seem nice but will eventually turn out to be jerks. Okay, i've already ruled out 60% of the male population, and 35% have a different preference. So good luck to me!

i wish i didnt disappoint you. you put me on a pedestal and now that you think i've fallen, you just can't hide your dismay and hurt huh? But you know what would make you cry even more? I love my life now. It's not perfect but it's a path that i've chosen on my own. Is it a tall order to tell you not to feel sad for me?

i wish i didn't have to deal with anal-retentive clients. it definitely takes out the fun in doing events. i dont mind the late nights, the cramming, the thousand details, as long as i dont have someone breathing down my neck

i wish i could sit in one corner the whole day and just finish 2-3 books that are supposed to be read but are now gathering dust and sitting forlornly on my bedstand

how about you? what do you wish for at this very moment?

cholesterol rocks!!!

i could whine on and on about anal-retentive corporation communication men and careless mistakes i've been making because of too much pressure from aforementioned men who are too busy covering their asses rather than trying to do a good job

but what i wanna say is...

tapa queen is positively sublime

thank you, o inventors of greasy and spicy food
you just made life a little more bearable

crush of the moment

"Starlight
I will be chasing a starlight
Until the end of my life
I don't know if it's worth it anymore"
- Starlight, Muse

Have you ever had a crush on a song? Whenever you hear it, you get all tingly inside, and not because you associate it with a certain someone. You long to hear it on the radio, even though you've got it always stored on your phone. And even though the vocalist isn't a gorgeous specimen, suddenly he seems incredibly attractive.

That's how I feel about this song

Now I don't know if it's a sign of desperation that I'm having crushes on songs...

i wish i could jump gracefully

but as it is, my jumping pictures are awkward and silly
but id rather jump with abandon
try it, it's therapeutic

i want hat!!!

it's amazing sometimes how single-minded children can be. when they really want something, they would ask for it continuously, regardless if they really need it or if they have any use for it

saturday afternoon was spent on a taxi ride with a little girl in the backseat endlessly begging for a hat that wasn't even cute to begin with. and as much as the little girl was witty, adorable and heartbreakingly aching for that stupid hat, her mom (my colleague) was adamant about not giving in to her demand because she knows it will just be a waste of money. she sulked, she pleaded, she shed crocodile tears, all to no avail. we tried to pacify her by making jokes of officemates' names, which to us was utterly hilarious, but to no avail. all she could say over and over was "I WANT HAT!"

which got me thinking, we never really get over that, as much as we'd like to think we've matured since that selfish phase. we still insist on demanding things from the universe even though every sign has pointed to us not getting them anytime soon. or we stubbornly hold on to hopes and dreams that we actually don't need or we know aren't good for us

and i know there are reasons why i haven't been granted every whim and fancy that i've desired. and maybe it will take me a lifetime to understand every one of those reasons. and i will continue sulking and pleading and crying supposedly real tears, until i finally learn my lesson, until the next tantrum

and our saturday ended with the little girl not getting what she wanted but thoroughly enjoying herself by the poolside of the intercon. there's a lesson there somwhere, i just have to figure it out

resolution # 423

"i think i've let myself make a fool of myself long enough
so as of today, february 8, 2007, 11:32PM, i am reverting back to the cynical, hopeless unromantic persona and veering away from the lovestruck, lovesick and foolish high school girl ghost that seemed to have temporarily taken over my body the past few weeks"

as i stand on the balcony and stare at that freakishly large moon that just begs to be looked at and i see the wisps of smoke obscure my already teary eyes, this is the resolution that i have come up with. i don't want to be reduced to one of those women that i used to look at with a mixture of pity and disdain

so i am putting my foot down on myself and hoping that this becomes one resolution i stick with

he asks, she says (but not really)

he asks: what's up
she says: (flippantly) the sky
what she wanted to say: you look very cute today. but of course you know that. i'm beginning to think you deliberately choose to look cute to torture me. but hey, what can i do?

he asks: are you ok?
she says: of course!
what she wanted to say : do i look like i'm okay? well, i try to pretend i am but somehow because im such a crybaby, obviously, you see that i'm not okay. im trying hard to be okay, but obviously, it isnt working. and lest your ego gets boosted to the highest heavens, you are just part of the reason im not okay, not the entire reason. but no, i'm not okay

he asks: can you help me with something
she says: it depends
what she wanted to say: i am this close to saying yes to almost anything. but that....don't you know what that is doing to me? do you have any idea how painful a proverbial knife to the heart is? at times i even feel this physical pain everytime the thought of you and....

he asks: (silence)
she says: are you ok? what's wrong
what she wanted to say: (or do) awww...you want a hug?

while my guitar gently screeches

I have to admit, I'm a frustrated rocker chick. Yes, I know that I can sing, but my voice isn't something that can knock someone's socks off. Yes, I do know a few chords or two but my playing is mediocre at best (and my wittle fingers can't make bars). And the songs that I wrote back in the days when I was brave enough to write now make me want to vomit.

But that doesn't stop me from fantasizing that I regularly play in a dark, dank and smoky bar, singing and playing my guitar out, releasing all the pent-up female angst that had been bubbling inside me. In my fantasies, I sing like Dido, look like Katie Holmes and I always get the guy, whether he be the bad-ass drummer or the emotionally untouchable record executive. And yes, I am extremely popular and filthy rich but I still prefer to play in those random bars because I don't want to lose my artistic sensibility and sell out to those bubblegum pop alternative machines. (it sometimes scares me that my "imagined life" is more vivid than the real one that i'm living in)

I know I would probably never have my own album or even record a song, because, after all, that isn't my real goal in life. I am happy with the way my life is turning out and i wouldnt want to have it suddenly and magically turn into a rock star life because i dont think i would be able to handle that (among other things). But I do have one goal that I plan to fulfill this year: to be able to perform somwhere, i dont care where or how, singing and playing the guitar at the same time. I've done both individually, but never at the same time, because I easily get flustered.

So I guess I have to learn more songs other than my trio of songs that I've already semi-mastered that drove people crazy when we were in Tagaytay. You can only listen to Linger, Oo and Stranded over and over again for so long

Until then, I'd just have to be content with a preemptive album cover...

That's why I hate surprises

Sometimes u need to be caught off guard to know the true extent of your feelings. You may not always like what you see. Honesty can be an ugly and cruel taskmaster. But at least you are now aware of what you really feel beyond what you allowed yourself to feel. And as I always like to say, I would rather have my illusions shattered in one blow than to prolong the agony of living under delusions.

I think the tougher question is,what do you do now that you know? Where do you go from here?

I'll let you know if I ever get the answers
And hopefully, this is the last thing I will say on this subject

no other way except up

how bad was my week, let me count the ways

1. i moved on my own. okay, this was supposedly good news because i have now officially become an independent adult. but going up and down 10 flights of stairs with your gazillion things with only your company driver to accompany you is no joke. and then learning that the said driver got sick for two days only worsened the feeling

2. and said gazillion things have still not been unpacked. why, you may ask? sheer laziness and lack of enthusiasm. plus i have this magical ability to know exactly where my things are in that mess, so my mind is kinda telling me, there's no hurry to unpack

3. i may have damaged a few relationships along the way because of stupidity, recklessness and utter lack of responsibility towards people i have come to regard as family. and i am too embarrassed to even attempt to mend them

4. i got locked out of my house the other night and had to spend the night alone at the office. again, stupidity is the cause. maybe i've been having such a bad week because my stupid gene is acting up again

5. all that confidence in myself that i've developed for the past few months have temporarily (i hope) gone on vacation. i feel awkward, unworthy, unpretty, stupid (there's the word again) and momentarily lost. or it may just be that time of the month

6. "but i'm in too deep. you know i'm such a fool for you. you got me wrapped around your finger...." - please don't let this be my song (note to self)


so my goal for next week is: STOP WHINING
as i told a friend a few nights ago, when you're this down, tomorrow definitely has to be better cause you can't go any other way except up

i'm heading off to tagaytay in a few hours and even though this is a company mandated planning, i sure am happy just to get out of manila for a few days and maybe, just maybe, i might find my mojo and juju back