a new lease on life

faith amidst doubt
obedience amidst temptation
peace and joy beyond circumstances
grace amidst guilt
love above all else

hi, i'm ida and i'm a klutz

it still amazes me sometimes that i am such a klutz
just last week, i sported three bandaids on my fingers because of numerous paper cuts
and my day isn't complete without a daily tripping on one or more steps of our three story house (i swear, i might actually really hurt myself one of these days)
and just yesterday, i almost decapitated a finger with our can opener and then later on, with the filing cabinet

i can blame tripping and falling on my inner ear infection, but what about the other "accidents"? i guess i really have to accept the reality that i will never be a model or a graceful dancer (aside from the fact that even if i had perfect balance, i still wouldnt be able to make a career with both)

but i guess i kinda like my klutziness, because i am constantly reminded of how imperfect i really am. which is not such a bad thing really. i would never be overconfident and even if i am, i will be brought crashing back to earth (literally)

and i dont mind being a constant source of amusement from the people around me, even the people i dont know. because when you are sprawled on the pavement, the only thing you can do is laugh because crying will not do you any good, really

so the next time you see me holding on to the escalator for dear life, or you see me with my skirt stuck in the door, don't worry, you can laugh along. i just wish you would help me first

an epiphany on a day that started out way too early

just when you think your body and brain cannot take it anymore and are already overloading with the gazillion things you have to do and think about, you realize that you still have the strength to push yourself a little more. and realizing that that strength is not your own is a very comforting thought and gives rest amidst everything

at this very moment, i can truly say that He is my strength

you dont need to apologize

me: I'm sorry I'm too short
Joel : No, I'm sorry I'm too tall

More on this later...I still can't find the words to describe it




me and Joel Houston from Hillsong United

stop stepping on me

i dont know what is it about me that makes people step on my toes all the time
and i dont mean that figuratively. i mean, literally step on my dainty feet!

for the past two days only, i got stepped on five times. and it's not just the normal, step on a pinky toe kind of pain. it's the "he's wearing leather shoes and weighs more than a hundred pounds and steps on my foot for five seconds" kind of agony. and it keeps happening wherever i go. on escalators, in jeepneys, in elevators, in the office, etc etc etc

and no matter how many times they say sorry, it doesnt minimize the pain unintentionally and unknowingly inflicted on me

oh wait, im still talking about my feet right?

Try Again by Keane

I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow

Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting

God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

whoever you think you are

there are things that are better left unsaid in person but should be said out loud whether in your head or in writing

so here goes...

i thank you for making me feel something i havent felt in a long time. a lot of people were telling me to stop feeling that way because it would end up in heartache. i could've listened to them and just put a wall between you and me. but, foolishly perhaps, i chose to risk a bit of pride and emotion and discovered the wonderful person you are and the man you are trying to become.

there were moments when i was so tempted to drop not-so-subtle hints but i restrained myself because i wouldnt know what to do anyways if you picked up on those hints and decided to do something

and im so thankful that you never did anything that would have caused me to misconstrue your intentions or lead me down a path that i also would have not known where to go. i shouldve been peeved that you didnt flirt or dropped pick-up lines but somehow wounded egos didnt figure into this equation

i think this is the first time ever that unrequited like/love did not end up in heartbreak. i never shed a single tear over you during this time, and if you really know me and my history, you would really be surprised. this doesnt mean that my feelings weren't that deep to begin with. i cant even explain to myself what i exactly feel, but i do know that a few weeks in, it went past the line of infatuation

but for now, i think i've decided to step back and rethink what i really want with my life, in terms of "boys" and relationships. and that means stop considering the possibilities, stop thinking about you constantly (and lately, it's been surprisingly possible) and to just look at you as a friend and not "the one". you didnt do anything wrong, i still think you're wonderful and amazing, and i guess that will never change

i guess what im trying to say here is, thank you, even though im pretty sure you dont know who you are and how you've "helped" me discover things about myself, even though you dont know you were actually helping

so there, ive said it. as that guy in love actually says after he declares his feelings for keira knightley through idiot boards, "enough. that's enough"

saturday afternoon blues

i've been playing "anywhere but here" in my mind lately, but still i end up in a place that is too "here". even my imagination has become boring

first thought that popped into my head

when i suddenly woke up after a two hour nap while sitting at the office conference table at 5AM on a sunday morning:

"Crap, I didn't bring a toothbrush! How can I ride a jeep home?"

Hygiene, not the fact that i just spent the night in the office, alone, is the foremost thing in my mind. Go figure

this is what's been keeping me up late at night

for more information, please click HERE

wake up songs

for the past week, i've been keeping track of the first songs that i hear when i woke up and
trying to figure out if they, in any way, affects my life, or even the rest of my day. let's

see...

MONDAY - John Mayer's Waiting for the World to Change
it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

should we just stand idly by and wait for a monumental shift in the world's paradigm so that
we can finally do the ideal things that we've always wanted to do? If so, I think the battle
has already been lost. I think I would just go ahead and do what I think is right and then
just wait for the world to catch up with me


TUESDAY – Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I’ve missed having someone to say this to. Well, truth be told, I’ve never felt this way
about anyone. I’ve never had that overwhelming feeling for someone that would make me just
want to give everything up and be with that person. And honestly, I don’t think I should
have that ever because love shouldn’t be that selfish right? Well, a few moments of
“disappearing” from the world should suffice.

WEDNESDAY – 311’s Amber
You ought to know what brings me here
You glide through my head blind to fear
And I know why
Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
Whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

I should have been afraid because I know this was never going to lead to anything. I didn’t
exactly throw caution to the wind, but for once, I did allow myself to like someone without
any expectations whatsoever. And it was nice, because it’s always nice to slowly discover
the facets of an amazing person. And even though the things I’ve been “allowed” to see
barely scratches the surface of a complicated persona, I will be patient and wait for it to
crack. And again, no expectations. I just hope I’m not just deluding myself

THURSDAY – Michael Stipe’s In The Sun
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

Hmmm…nothing comes to mind. Except that I haven’t had nightmares in a long time and that’s a relief. Haha. Moving on…

FRIDAY – The Calling’s Adrienne
Oh, Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, Used me up

This is such a fun song to sing, especially when you’re full of bitterness and angst over an
ex. Which I am not, thank God. I’m glad that by God’s grace, I have this amazing ability to
bounce back emotionally and not to have this bitter taste in my mouth. It’s a superhero-type
ability, I swear. But still, this is such a fun song to sing!

laughing at the planets

retrograde - Of or relating to the brief, regularly occurring, apparently backward movement of a planetary body in its orbit as viewed against the fixed stars, caused by the differing orbital velocities of Earth and the body observed

my former boss firmly believes that during the retrograde period, a lot of things go wrong, particularly when it comes to all forms of communication. while i do not believe in stuff like that, my day yesterday was a study in murphy's law. from forgetting to turn off the rice cooker at the apartment, to forgetting to bring the directions to the interview we were going to, to discovering that the 1500+ database that i got is practically useless and other small stuff that if you put together adds up to one absolutely crazy day

and how do you deal with a day like that? do i cry my eyes out? do i bitch and moan? do i consider jumping off a 3 story building just to injure myself and earn myself a relaxing day at the hospital?

i laugh like crazy

it's a solution that has worked for me the past weeks. whenever i get pressured, i laugh at the silliest things, from ancient jokes (what do you get when beth tamayo marries kenny loggins) to inane comments that turn into full-blown laughing fits (green peace = green peas) to just laughing at the stupid and foolish mistakes that you've been making the whole day

laughter takes the edge off. it doesnt correct your mistakes but it gives you a fresh perspective on your limitations as a human being. and weirdly enough, laughing at my boo-boos makes me want to strive better the next time. and laughing somehow gives me a sense of hope that tomorrow is a new day and things can get better

so yes, laughter really is the best medicine. well, at least in my case. try it, maybe it will work for you too

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

bridges that need to be crossed

yesterday, i unexpectedly crossed a bridge that surprisingly was easy to cross

i'm not a particularly brave person, literally and emotionally. just like every other person, i would rather run away from something, escape into a reality that is more comfortable and pleasing, and just put that something in a box and open it only when everything is fine and dandy

risk is not in my vocabulary

but for the past few months, i feel that i have suddenly gone into territories that would have scared the heck out of me last year. i've suddenly taken on challenges that i swore i would never go back to. i've even risked a bit of my heart for something that i know wouldnt amount to something that would last forever. i've started to see myself differently from what i've been used to. and i'm slowly allowing myself to dream of things that i've previously labeled unattainable

in other words, i'm trying to be a "brave little toaster"

i cannot yet put into words what i felt yesterday, upon being gently confronted by something that i've come to deal with surprisingly well. as hugh grant put it, it was "surreal but nice". but this i know, i am glad that i am slowly evolving into a person that would face things head on instead of running. it involves more tears and heartbreak along the way, but i know that i will come out a better person because of it, and hopefully others would too

there are still a lot of monsters i'd rather lock in the drawer than confront, but i think it will get easier, one dementor at a time. and knowing that i dont even have to conquer these things on my own, because someone else has won the battle for me, is truly a comfort in moments when i feel like i'm losing it

so i will sleep tight tonight knowing that one ghost has been purged and laid to rest. on to the next ones.