of boys and beaches

i'm heading to the beach tomorrow for the first time in 8 years

yes, i know i'm a loser. but somehow, the opportunity has never arisen before or i was just too broke or too lazy to arrange something with anyone. but the curse is going to be broken tomorrow morning as the whole office flies off to boracay, hopefully without carrying a single thought of work with us

which brings back memories of the last time i was at the beach. i don't remember exactly when (sometime around 8 years ago) or where (somwhere in between baguio and manila) or what happened (except for the pictures that i have)

but i do remember the feeling of excitement that i carried with me going to the beach and then the hopelessness that i took back with me to manila

for me to tell you the story of the guy i was hopelessly in love with at that time and how he subtly and gently let me down (i refuse to say broke my heart because fortunately, it never happened)and how we have remained good friends until now because he happened to marry my high school best friend and they have a gorgeous daughter together, would require a bottle of beer and much persuasion on your part

for me to tell you the story of another guy who took those wonderful pictures of me and who happened to break my heart into a million pieces years later and how we have remained civil and sometimes a bit friendly in spite of everything that happened, would require three bottles of beer, rum coke and a little bit of persuasion on your part (if i'm not yet drunk out of my mind)

for me to tell you the story of what i was thinking when i was looking out to sea (which was when will i ever find someone i can love and who will love me in return, which unfortunately is still the question in my head every other hour of the day) would require a cup of coffee and a willing ear

and for me to tell you why i associate beaches with boys and hopeless longings, would require an analysis of hollywood movies influence on my life and a brief analysis of my psyche

here's to new memories of new beaches (and just maybe, new boys)

dazed and confused

I don't know why, but my time away from the real world (aka locking myself in a world where the television is the be all and end all) has left me feeling dazed and confused. Everything seems to be moving slowly or maybe it's me that has gone slow motion. Words that used to flow smoothly through my lips are finding themselves stuck in my throat. Everytime I try to focus on the work at hand, my brain seems to refuse to focus and instead drifts away to a place it shouldn't go to at this moment. And instead of planning where I should go to next since I've been cooped in the house for a week, I'm already drifting off to my bed and thinking of all the things I want to do on my own

It's not as if I went through something remotely life changing. It's not as if I'm depressed because I have nothing to be depressed about. It's not as if I'm at a crossroads in my life because I like where I am now

So not knowing why I am dazed and confused has left me all the more dazed and confused

Bibliophile Meme

1. One book that changed your life.
Helen Keller's autobiography. I read it once a week when I was in elementary

2. One book you have read more than once.
All Tolkien books. I've read each one more than twice

3. One book you would want on a desert island.
Time Traveler's Wife

4. One book that made you laugh.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close

5. One book that made you cry.
Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Yes, i was schizo when I was reading it

6. One book you wish had been written.
a book about the Fourth Age in Middle Earth. Yes, I'm a geek

7. One book you wish had never been written.
Around 80% of the chick lit stuff lying around

8. One book you are currently reading.
Orphan Pamuk's Snow. I just wish I had the time to finish it

9. One book you have been meaning to read.
Margaret Atwood's Penelopiad

Tag five people for this meme. I won’t be upset if you don’t do the meme. But the meme ghost might be.

You, You, Yes You, You Again and You

the birthday blues

i think there's a built-in mechanism within me that automatically switches to "depressed" whenever a birthday draws near

i long for the days when i used to count the days to my birthday, 3 months before. when the anticipation as to what that day would bring just about killed me. it wasn't really about the gifts, but finding out who truly cared to do something special of even just greet you.

isn't it such a cliche to feel this way now? somebody, slap some sense into me please?

Hi, just call me Ed

During the four days that we stayed in Cebu, and having visited almost 10 different coffee shops, not once did the baristas get my name right.

It was always, "Coffee for Eda/Ed"

Don't get me wrong, I didn't find it annoying. I actually found it endearingly amusing

Here's to you Cebu. The next time I visit, I hope it won't be for work, but for fun. I look forward to exploring you leisurely and thoroughly (okay, that didn't sound like it did in my head. but, you get my point)

And the next time I visit, may I take real pictures instead of taking snapshots of lamppost banners for clients (hence, the picture here)

10 weird things about me

I've been tagged twice, so here goes

1. I've made it my personal mission to collect mp3s like there's no tomorrow. Right now, they occupy 70% of my 80gig laptop. And i have countless burned mp3s. And they're all arranged by artist, alphabetically and by album.

2. I am so OC about organizing events and my computer files but my room looks like a heavy metal band trashed it. But as they say, there is order in chaos

3. I have this thing about getting on escalators. I can only get on the even numbered steps. Otherwise, I lose my balance and try to grab on to the nearest thing, which usually turn out to be strangers

4. I used to hate shopping for anything girly, like clothes, shoes, make-up. I would rather buy books or cds or techie stuff. But all that is slowly changing

5. I have bags within my bag. There's the kikay bag, the techie bag, the school supplies bag and the snack bag. I feel incomplete when one bag is missing.

6. i am so paranoid about forgetting to lock bathroom doors. It's my constant fear that I forgot to lock the door and then someone will walk in and see me doing my business. And I'm also scared of opening bathroom doors for fear that the person
inside forgot to lock their door

7. I am obsessed with getting the perfect body but too lazy to do anything about it. If I spent all my energy on actually working out instead of whining and stuffing my face, maybe I'd have a bod like Beyonce already

8. I used to have notebooks of my favorite celebrities back in high school (eg. eric fructuoso and hans montenegro)and i plastered my wall with posters of edward furlong and leonardo dicaprio. And I memorized all the albums of debbie gibson. And the choreography of paula abdul's opposites attract. In other words, I am such a fangirl

9. I am an introverted extrovert. I can talk like crazy, especially after I've had a dose of caffeine. But more often than not, if I had a choice, i would rather curl up with a book or my laptop or just lie down in bed and stare at the ceiling and make movies in my head

10. I cannot eat anything that has buko or gata in it because a few minutes after I eat that, there is a revolution in my tummy. And so I miss out on a great number of Bicolano dishes and drinking fresh buko juice. Or maybe I should just say to hell with it and i might lose a few pounds along the way

i tag whoever wants to get tagged

once again, my own words fail me

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is your's
(My heart, it beats for you)

- My Heart, Paramore

Jane Doe #251

for the past few nights, I've lain awake in my bed, thinking about what the police/media/crime scene investigators would deduce about me by just looking at my room if one day they discovered my body lying in a pool of blood

one thing's for sure. i will never be mistaken for a neat, control freak. maybe i should start cleaning up and staging the crime scene area

this is what i get from watching too much csi

the truth of the matter is...

i keep saying i miss you
when in fact, deep down, i really don't
and i know that you feel the same way

but can we keep up the pretense for a little while longer?
it sometimes is nice to hold on to the thought that someone cares enough to pretend to miss you

Let's Pretend I'm a Famous (or even semi-famous) Rocker

Got this from Aileen who got it from here

"The A.V. Club asks its favorite rockers, writers, comics, or whatevers to set their MP3 players to shuffle and comment on the first few tracks that come up—no cheating or skipping embarrassing tracks allowed."

So, let's pretend for a moment that I am someone famous...

1. "Hoodoo" by Muse
I discovered Muse because of their very very very addictive song "Starlight". This is a very haunting song about with a great classical piano riff and i think it's about a lost love. Or missed opportunities. Or voodoo. Or death. Or all of the above. For lyrics, click here. For the song, click here

2. "Both Sides Now" by Joni Mitchell
A song that never fails to get me all choked up. And when they used this song during Emma Thompson's "breakdown" in Love Actually, I totally lost it. Lyrics here. Music here

3. "Madder" by Groove Armada
First time I heard this song actually. Haha. But Groove Armada is one of those groups that you love, even if you don't like their particular brand of music. I actually don't know how to classify them. Lyrics, music

4. "Letting the Cables Sleep" by Bush
Bush's Manila concert way back in 1996 0r 97 was my first ever rock concert. I came for Gavin Rossdale, I stayed for the music. And a shirtless Gavin Rossdale. If I'm not mistaken, this song was for a Cafe del Mar album. I miss Bush. And Gavin Rossdale aka Mr. Gwen Stefani. Lyrics, music

5. "Missing You" - Tyler Hilton version
No matter how much you hate his character in One Tree Hill, you have to admit Tyler has this sexy husky voice going on. And his straightforward cover of the John Waite song gives me goosebumps everything. Definitely on my list of cheesy songs I love. Lyrics, music

6. "Choose the One Who Loves You More" by Copeland
This is going to be my motto! Haha. Lyrics, music

7. "Emotions" by Beegees
I am not embarrassed to admit that this is in my playlist. I would be embarrassed if I had the Destiny's Child version. Lyrics, music

8. "What a Wonderful World" - Tony Bennet and KD Lang version
Probably one of the most covered songs in the history of cheesy and feel good music. This version sounds like most of the others. But it's still a nice song to listen to when you're feeling happy and in love and the world is a wonder...well you know. Lyrics, music

9. "Hear Me Out" by Frou Frou
A song for those people who stubbornly refuse to accept it's over. Here's hoping I don't become one of those. Lyrics, music

10. "The Remedy" by Jason Mraz
I used to be "married" to this guy. Where is he now? Anyways, I could never sing this song in a karaoke bar, but I always perk up when I hear this in random places or music players. Lyrics, music

Another one bites the dust

Things I learned/realized before, during and after my friend Trixie's wedding
(Sorry Jacs, borrowed your format...)

1. Do not decide at the last minute what you're going to wear. Otherwise, you'll end up scrambling through your limited wardrobe and texting colleagues at 1 in the morning to find out what goes with a floral blue skirt. And especially when you're emceeing the reception.

2. Again, don't cram for a gift. You will end up buying stuff they probably would not need.

3. Don't agree to emcee the reception unless you really really love the person asking you to do it. It's not an easy task. And don't you always make fun/criticize emcees? Karma is a bitch.

4. Don't wear shoes that you know from previous experience makes you slip. And not when it will strike at the most inopportune times. Like when you're holding your laptop.

5. Speaking of laptops, don't volunteer your laptop to be used for playback at the reception. No matter how cool you think it is to be carrying a laptop while wearing formal wear, it is still uncomfortable, inconvenient and darn heavy, especially when you're forced to commute afterwards.

6. Stop staring at your friend's/the bride's older brother who was your first ever high school crush and stop blushing everytime he tries to talk to you. Remember, he's married with 3 kids even though he still looks darn good. And don't forget that he knows how you felt during those days when you used to write your name with his surname.

7. It's only in movies that you actually meet someone interesting and with potential at weddings. In real life, you actually don't meet anyone. And you don't want to meet anyone after you've made a fool of yourself while emceeing the reception.

8. For the nth time, don't cram when writing your script for the reception. Otherwise, please see numbers 3 and 7

9. Pat yourself on the back for actually feeling happy for your friend instead of wailing and complaining over the fact that you're not in a relationship.

10. Don't hold back your tears when you see your friend walking down the aisle or when they kiss as they're declared husband and wife or when you hug her and realize she's actually married. Otherwise, you'd end up bawling your eyes out when you get home. Less embarrassing but more painful

and because i want you to laugh at my expense

probably my best picture ever...

one of the things i love about myself is that...

it doesn't take much to make me happy

a nice paper bag
a kopi bun
a cup of coffee
a corny joke
seeing cristiano ronaldo's face when i open my laptop
hearing a great song first thing in the morning (today it's mika's love today)
an extra 10 minute nap after i hit the snooze alarm

and im a happy camper already

not really stranger than fiction

this morning as i got out of bed, i felt a bit like harold krick, the main character in stranger than fiction, one of my favorite movies

i know that i will wake up not because of my alarm clock but because of a phone call from either my boss, an officemate or a client.
i know it will take me 15 minutes before i can force myself to trudge to the bathroom and do my morning rituals.
i know i will do all my morning rituals in the same, exact order that i've been doing it for the past two months.
i know it will take me approximately 30 minutes to get dressed and put on all sorts of stuff on my hair and make-up and then another 15 minutes to choose which bag to use for today and then literally dump all my things from my previous bag.
i know that i will sit on my bed for a minute just to convince myself that i should start my five minute walk to the office.
i know that as i go down the stairs, i will be met by the not so cute dog of my landlord and that he will growl for a few seconds before recognizing that i am one of the good guys.
i know that as i reach the corner of morato i will wage an internal battle with myself whether i should buy a cup of starbucks coffee or settle for kopiroti's cheaper but not necessarily better brewed kopi.
and i know that as i take the 3 flights of stairs to my office, my day will probably be spent in front of takeshi kaneshiro (aka my laptop).

oh, and when i opened the radio this morning, the very first song that i heard was Spoon's The Way We Get By which was the song riff they used in the movie I mentioned above

it's a sign that i need to get a life. or even shake up my routine a bit

This is so cool....

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

metal from the sky

a month or so of painstaking preparation
countless sleepless nights
loss of social life (which wasn't really there to begin with, come to think of it)
loss of hair due to frustration with anal-retentive client
loss of confidence in one's abilities coupled with surprising discoveries about one's capabilities

and then after...

my personal highlight of our big event wasn't the President's arrival or the kudos offered by happy clients nor the look of tired satisfaction on my colleague's faces

it all boiled down to an unfortunate freak accident

an hour or two after the President leaves, I open a door and down came the metal plate on top of my head
elated turned into dazed and confused and in tremendous amount of pain
and to my embarrassment afterwards, everyone from the site director to the janitor was fussing over me

the plus side, after an x-ray and a CT scan, it turned out to just be a contusion. and i got a much-needed four day rest

the minus side, i was so looking forward to an after event "party" which never materialized because of the whole mess

but i really am grateful that all screws are still present inside my head. or whatever is left of them

how has it come to this

that i feel like i can't function...
that i couldn't sleep a wink...
that my mind is in constant turmoil and in a state of agitation...

all because takeshi kaneshiro (aka my laptop) crashed

hay...the problems of the computer age are too much for me to handle

another sign that i might truly be meant for the single life

i spent 80% of the weekend by myself
and i can't remember feeling this happy and content in a long time

yes you

i was just lamenting to an officemate that i think i'll try not to like a certain guy or any guy at all because it all ends up in heartache (yes, drama queen i know) when suddenly this song starts to play...

There's a love that transcends
All that we've known of ourselves
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
Well it's got to be strong to touch my heart
Through its shell
And I'll wait for it to come
I'll wait for it to come
- Coffee, Copeland

(thanks my own personal demi-goddess for introducing me to this band)

i may declare everyday that i'm through with love
i may cry at every turn over guys that unintentionally hurt/ignore me
i may hysterically laugh at the jokes the universe continually plays on me
i may get fed up with putting myself out there and not getting anything in return
i may get nauseatingly jealous of people who have seemingly found something rare

but at the end of the day...i think i'd still be willing to wait
hurry up a bit, will you?
a girl can only wait up to a certain point without turning totally cynical

maybe i should...

stop sticking my tongue out in pictures
it makes me look high school-ish
but it seems to darts out automatically when a camera is pointed at me