blues clues

We're all as lonely as we wanted to be
- People Watching, Jack Johnson

"Loneliness is cooking for five people and then eating alone"
- me, crying over beef with brocolli a few nights ago

I don't know why December brings out the depression in people. It's supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. But because of our beauty/love/gift obsessed society, people who have none of the above tend to sing the blues instead of the hallelujahs.

Even I, the eternal cynical optimist (if there is such a thing) tend to drop a few tears when this time of the year comes around. And it depresses me when I feel depressed because I should know better than to listen to those stupid voices in my head that tell me I'm all alone. Hello, I have a God who showers me with grace and love, a family who loves me, friends who will be there for me if i need them, a job that i love, a roof over my head, etc etc etc. Why the heck should I feel sad just because I have no shopping money (due to laptop payments), i'm always an odd wheel (it's not their fault they're in love) or that the guy i like barely knows i'm alive (okay, that sounds too high school-ish) or because it is cool to be melancholic this time of the year

I'm a Christmas gal. I love the lights that line the street, the songs that make you sigh or bob your head or both. I go gaga over puto bumbong and bibingka. I sniff the Christmas air like it's a drug (but only till i realize that it's actually pollution im smelling, underneath that air). I think Christmas is wonderful. It's a reminder of just how much God loves us.

That is why I am convincing myself (and you too, if you are in the same funk) to snap out of this, because it is not doing me any good. Wouldnt you rather be happy and content than pining away for things that are out of your reach. Yes, easier said than done. But, it is still a choice (unless you're suffering from something clinical or psychological, then i suggest you get help) to be lonely or to be happy

And yes it sounds cliched and trite, but I will choose joy over everything else. Otherwise, it's all useless

dream list

it's that time of the year...

patience for slow and incompetent people. not everyone is perfect. and that definitely includes me

a full dental work-up so my chipped front tooth can finally be fixed (which was a result of a ghastly encounter with the stairs and the floor six years ago)

discipline and determination to go on a real diet and exercise program

different colored ballpens and post-its

confidence to talk to people i barely know and courage to talk to the people i do know who tend to dominate conversations

neil gaiman's fragile things

U2 on U2

a short, harmless fling

a best friend who's not married and who's not in japan

to be able to spend more time with my family

the ability to clean the house thoroughly

a cutesy laptop bag or envelope

a moleskin notebook

passion to fall in love with my God all over again

sitting in front of myself

I may not have gone where I intended to go,
but I think I have ended up where I needed to be. -- Douglas Adams

For the past few weeks, Plaza San Ignacio in Intramuros has been my 3rd home away from home (next to my apartment and the office) because of an event i have there (which reminds me, i havent written about that event here...hmmmm)

But last Saturday afternoon, was the first time that I've been able to just sit there and not do any work, to just stare at the surroundings that is just overflowing with history and untold stories

I felt like I was in a different place, reading a book and sitting in front of a statue of a girl reading a book, feeling the rain drizzling on my face, hearing the horses' hooves as they passed behind me, pausing every once in a while to look at the ruins and wonder at what actually happened inside them hundreds of years ago

And I wonder, a few hundred years ago, who was sitting or standing in this exact spot and what he/she was thinking. Was he a Spaniard, wondering at the fates that brought him to this "godforsaken island"? Was he an Illustrado, trying to hold back tears at the thought of leaving these islands for a better life in another country? Was he an Indio, thinking about where his next meal will be coming from? (Come to think of it, even today, these exact internal dialogues could still be happening with the different people who pass by here)

This is what I love with hanging out in places that are outside buildings or anything airconditioned. You get to indulge the dreamer in you, the writer that has long since been dormant and is struggling to get out. Or you can just have temporary, momentary peace that has eluded you for a long time. And in that mental snapshot of that moment, at least everything looks dreamy or hopeful or whatever you want it to be.

And I am brought back to earth when the rain finally shows its full might after teasing me with a few measly drops. The mood has been broken, I shouldve taken shelter. But as I cinematically lift my face up to the sky, I say, I'm okay where I am right now, with the rain and all

And then I wonder if someone in the future will stand at that same spot and feel the ghost of the girl reading a book in front of the statue of the girl reading a book

top 7 reasons why i can't have children yet

don't get me wrong, i love kids and babies. but when it comes to having one of my own...that's another matter altogether.

1. i am still too selfish. i would rather watch my favorite tv show than take care of a crying, squealing baby.

2. when i take care of other people's kids, i can always give them back when they start crying. but when it's my own, then i cant pass them off to other people. and i have no idea how to make a crying baby stop.

3. i dont know how to wrap gifts or to put plastic covers on books and notebooks. and im too lazy to learn

4. i havent been able to save money in the bank. not even a peso. and we all know that babies need a lot of money even if they dont have the vaguest concept of what money is

5. i dont know how to discipline. when a kid demands something from me, i immediately give in because i hate seeing them throw tantrums or cry or be mad at me for any reason. and i sometimes bribe kids into liking me.

6. i'm still very much a kid myself

7. i have such a low threshold for pain. childbirth scares the heck out of me. so there

anywhere but here

it's been a while since i've played this game, since ive been thoroughly happy and satisfied with the way my life has been going lately. and i still am happy. i feel like this is where i belong

but there are days, when you have a pounding headache, when your body seems to be rebelling against you, when no matter how little you eat you cant seem to fit into your old jeans, when you're getting frustrated with love (or the lack of), when people keep saying your event is interesting and that they will go but no one seems to be actually going, when you just want to curl up with your music and your tv shows and your books in a cozy room somwhere in baguio

yes, it's one of those days

so...anywhere but here

i want to sit in a cafe in italy, sip three shots of espresso, quietly read a book that will cause the people around me to look at me and say, hmmm, she seems interesting

i want to walk along the cobbled streets of greece and go to the ancient ruined temples and listen to the echoes of long ago

i want to walk down the streets of new york, walking slowly, drinking in all the sights, not minding the people who are hurriedly walking past me, cursing me for walking slowly. i wanna stare at that bright monstrosity of a tree at rockefeller center

i want to swim in the blue waters of palawan, never mind that the water might be freezing. i want to bury my feet in the sand and watch pretty girls and gorgeous men as they walk by. but i will not wear a bikini. at least not yet

i want to browse through all the booksales in the greater manila area. and have enough money to buy a book from each

i want to drink a big chill strawberry kiwi fruit shake

i want too much. sigh

random thought for today

sometimes i wish i could fall in love (and get my heart broken eventually) if only to totally relate to the emo-ish alterna-love songs that i always listen to

two-minute hailstorm then melts into rain
sing me a rainbow it’s sunny again
swallows overhead while the traffic snarls below
could I keep dreaming for a little while longer

when you’re searching your soul
when you’re searching for pleasure
how often, pain is all you find
but when you’re coasting along and nobody’s trying too hard
you can turn around and like where you are

- when im thinking about you, the sundays

just because

because of a gazillion doses of bioflu and tuseran (burning questions: why do cough syrups have to taste so vile? and why the heck do some people get addicted to it?) i feel like i'm floating somewhere in space looking down at me forcing myself to work

because of an intense buffy (gads, how i miss this show) and battlestar galactica (people, please start watching!) marathon, i am now so tempted to cancel all other appointments and just stay at home and watch all night, a throwback to my tv addiction days. hi i'm ida and i'm a tv-holic

because klite 103.5 is going off-air by dec 15, i have now decided to forsake radio and just stick to my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player and i dont mind waiting in line or going on long commutes as long as my kick-ass new phone/mp3 player has life

because i was not able to go to baguio this weekend and people forgot to bring me pasalubong (okay, i forgot that guys are incapable of doing thoughtful things for people other than their girlfriends), i am now craving for any strawberry-ish food, but i know it's bad for my diet, so im feeling a bit cranky

because i still feel groggy, i am not capable of producing profound and insightful words and so you are stuck with reading these random thoughts for i feel bad looking at my blog and seeing that my last entry is november 29

because i woke up to this song this morning, this is my lss (can you guess the song?)

Ive willed, Ive walked, Ive read
Ive talked, I know, I know,
Ive been here before

a new lease on life

faith amidst doubt
obedience amidst temptation
peace and joy beyond circumstances
grace amidst guilt
love above all else

hi, i'm ida and i'm a klutz

it still amazes me sometimes that i am such a klutz
just last week, i sported three bandaids on my fingers because of numerous paper cuts
and my day isn't complete without a daily tripping on one or more steps of our three story house (i swear, i might actually really hurt myself one of these days)
and just yesterday, i almost decapitated a finger with our can opener and then later on, with the filing cabinet

i can blame tripping and falling on my inner ear infection, but what about the other "accidents"? i guess i really have to accept the reality that i will never be a model or a graceful dancer (aside from the fact that even if i had perfect balance, i still wouldnt be able to make a career with both)

but i guess i kinda like my klutziness, because i am constantly reminded of how imperfect i really am. which is not such a bad thing really. i would never be overconfident and even if i am, i will be brought crashing back to earth (literally)

and i dont mind being a constant source of amusement from the people around me, even the people i dont know. because when you are sprawled on the pavement, the only thing you can do is laugh because crying will not do you any good, really

so the next time you see me holding on to the escalator for dear life, or you see me with my skirt stuck in the door, don't worry, you can laugh along. i just wish you would help me first

an epiphany on a day that started out way too early

just when you think your body and brain cannot take it anymore and are already overloading with the gazillion things you have to do and think about, you realize that you still have the strength to push yourself a little more. and realizing that that strength is not your own is a very comforting thought and gives rest amidst everything

at this very moment, i can truly say that He is my strength

you dont need to apologize

me: I'm sorry I'm too short
Joel : No, I'm sorry I'm too tall

More on this later...I still can't find the words to describe it




me and Joel Houston from Hillsong United

stop stepping on me

i dont know what is it about me that makes people step on my toes all the time
and i dont mean that figuratively. i mean, literally step on my dainty feet!

for the past two days only, i got stepped on five times. and it's not just the normal, step on a pinky toe kind of pain. it's the "he's wearing leather shoes and weighs more than a hundred pounds and steps on my foot for five seconds" kind of agony. and it keeps happening wherever i go. on escalators, in jeepneys, in elevators, in the office, etc etc etc

and no matter how many times they say sorry, it doesnt minimize the pain unintentionally and unknowingly inflicted on me

oh wait, im still talking about my feet right?

Try Again by Keane

I fell asleep on a late night train
I missed my stop and I went round again
Why would I want to see you now?
To fix it up, make it up somehow

Baby I'll try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

What I was isn't what I am
I'd change back but I don't know if I can

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

But I was made the way I am
I'm not a stone; I'm just a man
Lay down your arms and I will lay down mine
Rip back the time that we've been wasting

God I wish you could see me now
You'd pick me up and you'd sort me out

Still I'll try, try again, try again
Baby I die every night, every time

whoever you think you are

there are things that are better left unsaid in person but should be said out loud whether in your head or in writing

so here goes...

i thank you for making me feel something i havent felt in a long time. a lot of people were telling me to stop feeling that way because it would end up in heartache. i could've listened to them and just put a wall between you and me. but, foolishly perhaps, i chose to risk a bit of pride and emotion and discovered the wonderful person you are and the man you are trying to become.

there were moments when i was so tempted to drop not-so-subtle hints but i restrained myself because i wouldnt know what to do anyways if you picked up on those hints and decided to do something

and im so thankful that you never did anything that would have caused me to misconstrue your intentions or lead me down a path that i also would have not known where to go. i shouldve been peeved that you didnt flirt or dropped pick-up lines but somehow wounded egos didnt figure into this equation

i think this is the first time ever that unrequited like/love did not end up in heartbreak. i never shed a single tear over you during this time, and if you really know me and my history, you would really be surprised. this doesnt mean that my feelings weren't that deep to begin with. i cant even explain to myself what i exactly feel, but i do know that a few weeks in, it went past the line of infatuation

but for now, i think i've decided to step back and rethink what i really want with my life, in terms of "boys" and relationships. and that means stop considering the possibilities, stop thinking about you constantly (and lately, it's been surprisingly possible) and to just look at you as a friend and not "the one". you didnt do anything wrong, i still think you're wonderful and amazing, and i guess that will never change

i guess what im trying to say here is, thank you, even though im pretty sure you dont know who you are and how you've "helped" me discover things about myself, even though you dont know you were actually helping

so there, ive said it. as that guy in love actually says after he declares his feelings for keira knightley through idiot boards, "enough. that's enough"

saturday afternoon blues

i've been playing "anywhere but here" in my mind lately, but still i end up in a place that is too "here". even my imagination has become boring

first thought that popped into my head

when i suddenly woke up after a two hour nap while sitting at the office conference table at 5AM on a sunday morning:

"Crap, I didn't bring a toothbrush! How can I ride a jeep home?"

Hygiene, not the fact that i just spent the night in the office, alone, is the foremost thing in my mind. Go figure

this is what's been keeping me up late at night

for more information, please click HERE

wake up songs

for the past week, i've been keeping track of the first songs that i hear when i woke up and
trying to figure out if they, in any way, affects my life, or even the rest of my day. let's

see...

MONDAY - John Mayer's Waiting for the World to Change
it's not that we don't care,
we just know that the fight ain't fair
so we keep on waiting
waiting on the world to change

should we just stand idly by and wait for a monumental shift in the world's paradigm so that
we can finally do the ideal things that we've always wanted to do? If so, I think the battle
has already been lost. I think I would just go ahead and do what I think is right and then
just wait for the world to catch up with me


TUESDAY – Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I’ve missed having someone to say this to. Well, truth be told, I’ve never felt this way
about anyone. I’ve never had that overwhelming feeling for someone that would make me just
want to give everything up and be with that person. And honestly, I don’t think I should
have that ever because love shouldn’t be that selfish right? Well, a few moments of
“disappearing” from the world should suffice.

WEDNESDAY – 311’s Amber
You ought to know what brings me here
You glide through my head blind to fear
And I know why
Whoa, amber is the color of your energy
Whoa, shades of gold displayed naturally

I should have been afraid because I know this was never going to lead to anything. I didn’t
exactly throw caution to the wind, but for once, I did allow myself to like someone without
any expectations whatsoever. And it was nice, because it’s always nice to slowly discover
the facets of an amazing person. And even though the things I’ve been “allowed” to see
barely scratches the surface of a complicated persona, I will be patient and wait for it to
crack. And again, no expectations. I just hope I’m not just deluding myself

THURSDAY – Michael Stipe’s In The Sun
I know I would apologize if I could see your eyes
’cause when you showed me myself I became someone else
But I was caught in between all you wish for and all you need
I picture you fast asleep
A nightmare comes
You can’t keep awake

Hmmm…nothing comes to mind. Except that I haven’t had nightmares in a long time and that’s a relief. Haha. Moving on…

FRIDAY – The Calling’s Adrienne
Oh, Adrienne, I thought I knew you
Once again, you used me, used me
Adrienne, I should have left you
Long before you used me, Used me up

This is such a fun song to sing, especially when you’re full of bitterness and angst over an
ex. Which I am not, thank God. I’m glad that by God’s grace, I have this amazing ability to
bounce back emotionally and not to have this bitter taste in my mouth. It’s a superhero-type
ability, I swear. But still, this is such a fun song to sing!

laughing at the planets

retrograde - Of or relating to the brief, regularly occurring, apparently backward movement of a planetary body in its orbit as viewed against the fixed stars, caused by the differing orbital velocities of Earth and the body observed

my former boss firmly believes that during the retrograde period, a lot of things go wrong, particularly when it comes to all forms of communication. while i do not believe in stuff like that, my day yesterday was a study in murphy's law. from forgetting to turn off the rice cooker at the apartment, to forgetting to bring the directions to the interview we were going to, to discovering that the 1500+ database that i got is practically useless and other small stuff that if you put together adds up to one absolutely crazy day

and how do you deal with a day like that? do i cry my eyes out? do i bitch and moan? do i consider jumping off a 3 story building just to injure myself and earn myself a relaxing day at the hospital?

i laugh like crazy

it's a solution that has worked for me the past weeks. whenever i get pressured, i laugh at the silliest things, from ancient jokes (what do you get when beth tamayo marries kenny loggins) to inane comments that turn into full-blown laughing fits (green peace = green peas) to just laughing at the stupid and foolish mistakes that you've been making the whole day

laughter takes the edge off. it doesnt correct your mistakes but it gives you a fresh perspective on your limitations as a human being. and weirdly enough, laughing at my boo-boos makes me want to strive better the next time. and laughing somehow gives me a sense of hope that tomorrow is a new day and things can get better

so yes, laughter really is the best medicine. well, at least in my case. try it, maybe it will work for you too

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone wrong?"
Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than one night."
-- Charles M. Schulz, Charlie Brown in "Peanuts"

bridges that need to be crossed

yesterday, i unexpectedly crossed a bridge that surprisingly was easy to cross

i'm not a particularly brave person, literally and emotionally. just like every other person, i would rather run away from something, escape into a reality that is more comfortable and pleasing, and just put that something in a box and open it only when everything is fine and dandy

risk is not in my vocabulary

but for the past few months, i feel that i have suddenly gone into territories that would have scared the heck out of me last year. i've suddenly taken on challenges that i swore i would never go back to. i've even risked a bit of my heart for something that i know wouldnt amount to something that would last forever. i've started to see myself differently from what i've been used to. and i'm slowly allowing myself to dream of things that i've previously labeled unattainable

in other words, i'm trying to be a "brave little toaster"

i cannot yet put into words what i felt yesterday, upon being gently confronted by something that i've come to deal with surprisingly well. as hugh grant put it, it was "surreal but nice". but this i know, i am glad that i am slowly evolving into a person that would face things head on instead of running. it involves more tears and heartbreak along the way, but i know that i will come out a better person because of it, and hopefully others would too

there are still a lot of monsters i'd rather lock in the drawer than confront, but i think it will get easier, one dementor at a time. and knowing that i dont even have to conquer these things on my own, because someone else has won the battle for me, is truly a comfort in moments when i feel like i'm losing it

so i will sleep tight tonight knowing that one ghost has been purged and laid to rest. on to the next ones.